Diary of a Void

by Emi Yagi

It didn’t take long for me to realize that something was happening inside me. As I lay there, I felt an occasional pain like menstrual cramps, but the pain soon started growing intense and more frequent. I checked my underwear, and it looked like I was bleeding. All of this was new to me, like nothing I’d ever experienced before.

In a cold sweat, completely unable to speak, I called to her in my mind—not as a believer, but as a peer. Mary. Dear Mary. I have to say it. I have no idea how you did it. I can’t even imagine what you were going through, having a baby with only a carpenter for a husband and a pony or something. I know the angels and the wise men showed up after that, but I’m pretty sure you would have preferred a nurse or an ob-gyn, right? Wait, did you have those back then? God, it must have been really cold, though. A December birth? Well, I don’t know. Maybe December is actually pretty hot in Palestine. Sorry, I really should know more about you.

Having a baby isn’t easy. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. It’s been two thousand years, and it’s the same old story, right? Anyway, you should come and visit sometime.

I actually looked into daycare. Into a few different programs and different kinds of support. I’m doing a little better than last time, right? I guess I figured I might as well make the most of my situation. Even if it is just a lie. The world’s what we make it, right? Even if it’s just us, on our own—with the whole world against us.

I’m following a mom on Instagram who had a boy last May, right when I had Sorato. I save all the photos and videos she posts, then show them to people when they ask to see my baby. Thanks to her, Sorato keeps getting bigger all the time. The other day, he learned how to pull himself up. He has a stuffed sea lion that makes noise when you shake it, and he loves the thing to death, but he loves music more than anything. You should see him shake his little tush every time he hears his favorite song.

“That’s right, I just got back. I agree. I think this is a great place to work. Everyone in my section has been really helpful. Thanks to them, I can leave a little after five to pick up my son from daycare.”

I’m not married, so I don’t have a husband. And I still haven’t told my parents about the baby. Fortunately, Sorato’s been a real angel, so I haven’t had any issues. He doesn’t even cry at night.

Yeah, I’d love to have another baby. Maybe by the time I’m thirty-seven.