Addicted After All (Addicted, #5)

by Krista Ritchie

Daisy has been through more than Lily and I ever imagined, and it’s these facts—the ones that I desperately needed—that make it easier to see his happiness with her. I never thought I’d pray to every fucking god to ensure that their relationship lasts. It’s not even a selfish want.

She’s too cool for me, and she’s my little sister. I don’t even think she realizes the effect she has on a lot of people. When she smiles, usually everyone does too. Maybe that’s why Daisy’s sadness hurts so much. It’s like watching a Care Bear cry.

“Dais…” Ryke whispers, squatting down, eye-level with her. The concern in his face clenches my heart in different ways. I’ve always wanted my sister to find someone that cares for her, so deeply, but I never thought that someone would be related to Loren Hale. I will always love that extra bond I share with Daisy, for however long her relationship does last. I’m rooting for them to go on forever.

Ryke holds her tightly, and her slender arms wrap around his bare chest. An impenetrable stone in a raging storm. That’s what Ryke Meadows has always been.

“Lily.” The sharp voice captures my attention. Lo stands above me. His amber-eyed focus is all mine to obtain. His features are deathly beautiful, the severely cut cheekbones and smooth Irish skin. I think: his baby is in me. It’s such a weird thought. But it sweeps me in an electric current, sparking each nerve and adding an extra beat to my heart.

The idea of a real bullet slicing through his skin nearly chokes the breath from my lungs. To lose Loren Hale is to lose my life. It’s these moments—of catastrophic change and brutal, ugly fatality—that I recognize how deeply I love him.

This is a new Loren Hale. One who has learned from all of his mistakes. One that understands right and wrong and every gray, messy part in between. It’s a better Loren, the version of himself that he has been fighting for all along. I’m so overwhelmed by his proclamation that I have to quickly wipe tears before they appear.

My eyes well with tears while my lips pull high. “Against the world, Loren Hale?” “Yeah,” he nods. “Against the world, Lily Calloway. I’m familiar with that battle.”

Rose said it was a rude present, but he took the time to scribble notes in the margins. Like the word bastard, he wrote: the best looking one is in your arms. A literal truth.

These feelings are crazy. I get to experience every fucked up emotion without a crutch. No Maker’s Mark. No Macallan or Jameson. I think I’m okay with that. Even when it hurts.

“Lily and Lo, predictions?” Lily’s green eyes flicker up to mine, and they tumble with so many fears and hesitations that I wish we were alone. In this solitary moment. So I could hold her. Shut out the rest of the world. Just us. No more noise. “A girl,” Lily breathes. It’s not what she wants. It’s what I want, but it’s going to hurt either way. “Boy,” I whisper. Her chest collapses, and she shakes her head at me like it won’t be a boy. It may be. Half of me will be happy for Lily. The other half will be scared shitless again. The parts of me that I love the most are the parts that belong to her.

When we’re out of earshot from the kitchen, Daisy walks backwards and she says, “Maximoff Hale. He’s going to have the coolest parents alive.” She holds her fist out to Lily, who actually smiles brightly now. It falters only a little when she glances at me—to make sure it’s okay. I hate that she worries about upsetting me. For smiling. I nod to her and try to relax. Lily fist-bumps her sister. Then Daisy raises her fist to me with a sunny expression that makes my life seem better than it is. I look up at my brother who meets my eyes. I get it. Why he loves her. She’s a light in a dark place. Even when she’s going through deep shit too. Daisy and Ryke are the definition of selfless. In comparison, I’m the monster, the asshole, the villain. But in Lily Calloway’s eyes I’m the hero. That has to count for something.

Lo passes me his iPod that’s connected to the stereo system. This is the best part of being the side passenger. I have complete control over the music. That and I’m in touching distance of Loren Hale.

I don’t want to lose him—it’s a realization that crushes my lungs. I don’t want to lose this kid that I never even wanted. He’s a piece of me and Lily, and most people would consider that a tainted, damaged thing. But the more I think about it—and the longer she carries our child—I recognize all of the good parts of us. They fucking exist. And there is a hope, a chance, that he could be more than what I am. That he could be better than me.

The sonogram pops up on the monitor, and Lily’s fingers tighten around mine, her collar protruding as she inhales. And slowly, I hear the beep, beep, beep of another heart. The relief almost buckles my legs. He’s okay.

I want him. Goddamn I want this kid more than I’ve wanted a lot of things in life. And I know it’s because he’s a part of us. I’d never want to destroy a piece of Lily. No matter if the road ahead will be rougher. Without her, it’d be unbearable. We’ve crossed a point where losing our son would hurt more than actually having him.

But she speaks before I can. “You’re relieved.” I shake my head and tilt her chin up. She frowns. “I’m happy,” I clarify. Despite all of my fears, I’m happy that he’s alive.

I raise my head, but I only meet Loren Hale’s gaze. He stares straight through me, like he is reaching right into my soul and piecing apart all of my intricate fears. What frightens me most: not knowing what my best friend feels. I’m about to approach him in the middle of the kitchen and collide with his hard, rigid body. But I don’t have to lift a foot. He walks to me. And he pulls my small frame to him, embracing me with two strong arms, a warm cocoon where my heart begins to slow. I rest my cheek on his chest, his body pressed along mine, and I shut my eyes. His hand lowers to the small of my back, and he dips his head. His lips to my ear, he whispers, “I’m not going anywhere.”

He hasn’t given up on us. It’s silly to think that’s a possibility anyway. It’s an irrational fear that I should never let cling to me. He is my soul. I am his. The moment we give up on each other is the moment that neither of us exists.

I peek from the crook of his bicep and make direct eye contact with a stern, severe man. Dark brown hair that’s grayed by the temples. A jaw as hard and intimidating as Ryke Meadows’ and a glower as deathly as Loren Hale’s. Jonathan Hale is the scariest parts of both his sons.

If I could, I’d disappear in my bedroom with Lily and try to get her to a better place than the one she’s at. I hate that she’s anxious, and I hate that she’s scared of herself. And I recognize what just happened—that she became aroused from someone other than me. It’s not a new development. Since she’s been pregnant, she’s gotten hot from almost everything. What’s different is that she’s starting to let her addiction fuck with her mind. Affect our relationship. I won’t let anything tear us apart. Especially not something we’ve both been fighting for so long.

Ryke would endure hell for eternity if it meant that I could go to heaven. Once upon a time, I think I would’ve let him. Not anymore. He deserves his paradise. So I’ll fight against my brother. I’ll fight against Lily and Daisy for this position. The winner is the loser. And this cage has my name on it.

Loren Hale is ice. Resilient isn’t a word attached to him. Beneath fire, he loses. Ryke is the one who outlasts him. He’s stone. But there is something within Lo, right now, that defies this. I reach out, my fingertips grazing his smooth skin along his cheek, brushing his parted lips. A feeling swirls inside of me—one where you know someone all your life, but in a singular moment they look strangely different. Like you’re unearthing a fragment of them that has never surfaced or been touched before. I see it—a piece of him uncloaked and unburied that has been hiding all this time. Strength that he never realized he had. My hand is magnetically drawn to his features, drifting to his neck.

Softly, I say, “You’re a man.” His lips rise. “You’re just now realizing this, Lily?” He licks his bottom one. It blazes my skin. “It’s just…you seem older,” I breathe. Stronger. Able to withstand things that the world throws at him. “Time will do that,” he murmurs, his mouth so very close to mine. Kiss me. “No,” I whisper. “It’s not time. It’s something else.” I inhale like our bodies have bound together, melded to him with no plan to separate. His eyes glow with realization, sensing what I mean. He’s not frightened of me or my addiction or his own. He has rebuilt every ounce of self-worth that his father took from him.

While they talk, I spot a magazine on a rack by the wall, a shirtless Zac Efron on the cover. I throb again, an ache that grows at the sight of two-dimensional abs. When did the star of High School Musical look like that? Jeez.

“They’re a good couple,” I say aloud. And then I turn back to Rose and Connor, leaning my arms against the ledge. “Why does the media insist on destroying something beautiful?”

Lo’s dark gray crew-neck fits him snuggly, an arrowhead necklace against his chest: a present I gave him for his twenty-first birthday some time ago. I can see the lines of his abs tightening beneath his shirt, especially as he begins to move his body to the song. Girls record him with fangirling giggles, their cellphones directed at my best friend. But his gaze is solely planted on me. When we were younger, Lo was the one who taught me how to dance. He’s always been able to move like no one is watching, like no one can harm him in this brief expanse of time.

Connor is too conceited. Rose is too high-strung. Daisy is too wild. Ryke is too aggressive. Lily is too awkward. I’m too hateful. Sam and Poppy are just right.

And then Rose huffs and switches to English, “Loren, you look scared. Maybe you should sit down.” Her voice is nicer than usual. I eye Connor. I look scared because your husband is domineering as hell. She suddenly adds, “You’re an antelope and he’s a lion.” I picture a lion chasing an antelope. And killing it for food.

I shift, pain intensifying in my gut, but it’s not from my ribs anymore. I can feel the type of torment Lily would experience if she heard these exact words. And the part that belongs to her is sunken with agony. The part that belongs to me is rattling with rage.

Jonathan takes over. “Your family is everyone in this fucking room,” he retorts. “We’re all bound together one way or another, and there will be a time when you need him.” He points at Ryke. “Or him.” He motions to me. “Just as they needed you tonight. So you want to be a selfish little fuck and paddle out on your own little lifeboat and leave everyone else to drown, so be it. You go do that, Samuel. Because when the rest of us are carrying lifejackets, we won’t throw you one.”

We were just playing pretend, but after we went through the “ceremony” in our backyard, I called Lily my wife on the boat. My dad even fed into it, telling me to “go get my wife for dinner” when Lily was taking too long in the shower. In our twenties, I never thought we’d be here again. With these feelings more intense than the first ones. With love more powerful. A bad day can overturn into a better one. And all we have to do is be with each other.

“Fly away with me, Lily Calloway?” She whispers, “Only if we make-believe that we never, ever have to grow up.” “There’s a problem with that, love,” I say, carrying her on my back across the deck. “What’s that?” she asks, and I picture her adorable crinkled brows. I’m smiling more than I have all night. “Our make-believe always turns out real.” From our pretend weddings, to our pretend relationship—in the end, it’s all become reality. And I would love to never, ever grow up with Lily Calloway. In one universe, we’ll be young forever.

“Lily,” Lo warns. “Lo,” I say back. “You have that look.” I blink. “The unsatisfied look?” “No, the one that says you’re about to do something bad.”

Daisy holds the phone near her mouth. “Can you speed?” “Sure,” he says without hesitation. “I always break this fucking law for you, sweetheart.”

“I have a confession to make,” Daisy pipes in, raising her hand as she sits on the sink. “When I was younger, I totally had a crush on Lo.” I end up smiling, and Ryke is staring at her like what the fuck? “Really?” I say. She nods. “I thought he was really hot.” “How young?” Ryke asks. “Twelve, thirteen, somewhere around there. He was my first crush.” A cool breeze washes over my hot anxiety as I begin to realize that I may not be so different from everyone else. It doesn’t extinguish all the bad parts, but it makes me feel a bit better in a way. Ryke stares at her with this hard, dark gaze. “My little brother was your first fucking crush.”

Lily is way too invested in Ryke and Daisy’s relationship, and I’m partly praying they stay together just to dodge the emotional fallout that’ll happen from Lily.

There’s something about Lily that makes all the terrible parts of me seem irrelevant. That makes a bad day momentary and a good one infinite. It’s love like this that’s worth living for.

Ryke shakes his head repeatedly. “You can’t…” he trails off and his jaw hardens. Irritation festers in my core, and I grit my teeth. “I can’t handle it?” He stays quiet, basically admitting that’s what he was going to say. “Yeah? Maybe I can’t, Ryke.” My leg bounces more. “But maybe I can. I should at least be given the chance to try.” I want to be better. God, more than anything. I want to be like him.

This birth should’ve scared me more, for when Maximoff comes. But I’m no longer saddled with these fears. I want this imperfect, perfect kid. Flaws and all. Because he’s a life I’m meant to give. Because he’s a part of Lily. And because—he’s my son.

“Lily Calloway,” I murmur, and she finally looks up at me. I love you. I don’t even have to say the words before her eyes well with tears. I breathe deeply, my muscles wound tight. Years and years with Lily, my best friend, rush through my veins. It’s a connection that spawned early on, from chasing her around a golf course and hiding underneath pillows on a yacht. From escaping to a bedroom and playing pretend behind a bar. From shutting out the world until it was just us. I open my mouth to say more, but it’s hard to put everything to words. A tear drips down her cheek. “I know.”

I’m not the kind of guy anyone wants to see give life. Nasty, harsh, spiteful—a bastard. But I’m employing my brother’s motto for this one: I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit. Maybe some people don’t deserve second chances. But I’m worthy of this moment and this girl and this life I live and the one I created. No one can tell me otherwise. Because the minute they place our baby on Lily’s chest is the minute that I feel a piece of me that I’d been keeping submerged. She’s already in tears, joy erupting through her features. And I feel all of it course inside. I’d been unwilling to let myself experience this. I’d been filling the hollow places with pain, and I’m done. I’m done with that torture.

Oh no. “He woke up.” I cringe at his shrieks and sit up at the same time as Lo. Lo gives me a look. “I thought that was the point.” He scoops Maximoff in his arms and pats his bottom as he rocks him. Our son hushes in seconds, his slate-gray eyes closing in a sleep, his little lips parted as he breathes. Lo wags his brows at me. “He loves me.”

I can’t help but smile, and I kiss Lo quickly on the lips. I want to say: you’re easily lovable, Loren Hale. But sadly, that’s not true for most people he meets. I fell in love with Lo like a little girl opening her heart to magic. It always seemed surreal until the moment it became true.

He climbs off the bed and looks down at me. “Lil.” “What?” I try to restrain my smile, biting my gums. It doesn’t work too well. “You can’t look at me like that every time I hold him. It’s driving me insane, and I can’t do anything about it for six weeks.” He says I have this “adorable happy glow” that makes him want to straddle me. But I have no sexual urges, for maybe the first time ever. I’m sore down below and the thought of something hard sounds too painful to consider. And thankfully my hormones are even back in check. I spring off the bed. “I can’t help it. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed.” “Like Magneto saving mutant-kind without destroying mankind, I know. You’ve told me.” I point a finger at him. “That is a damn good metaphor and I came up with it all on my own.”

“No cursing, Lily Martha Calloway.” I crinkle my nose. “I don’t like my full name.” “Don’t worry,” he says with that teasing look, “I’m going to make you a Hale soon.”

“Hey, little criminal,” I murmur. “So much for my getaway car, huh?” “Sorry about that.” I tug at the red sleeve of her Marvel PJs. “You should’ve worn black, you know.” She smiles. “All my favorite superheroes were supposed to protect me tonight, but I suppose I forgot the best one.” “If you say a DC character like Green Lantern, we’re no longer boyfriend-girlfriend,” I tease. She lifts her chin up at me. “I forgot you.” I try hard not to laugh. “That…is the most rom-com thing you’ve ever fucking said to me. Take it back.” She gapes. “I will not.” She hugs me tighter. I love being this close to her.

He should just tell me because we’re family. But he didn’t grow up with that sense of inclusion. The Calloway sisters did. I did because I had Lily. He had no one. I get that now.

“I love you,” he refutes, his gaze daggered on me. It takes me aback. Because Connor has admitted to only loving himself. To then loving Rose. No one else. But I know this isn’t sexual or romantic. It’s the kind of love that I have for my brother. The kind that Rose has for her sisters. He grimaces like the fact is hard for him to accept. “Lo, I don’t…love many people. But there is no manipulation in what I feel for you. The truth is, I gave you what I thought you needed, affection and praise, but I had no motives for it. I didn’t use you for anything.” I open my mouth to speak, but he raises his hand quickly. “Wait, let me finish.” His Adam’s apple bobs. “You’re my liability because I love you. The night you relapsed, I thought you were going to die.” He pauses. “…and that fact nearly crippled me. I couldn’t even drive, Lo.” He shakes his head like he doesn’t want to imagine that night. “I care about you, what happens to you, and it’s a weakness any way I look at it. Like your father once asked, what do I get out of it? I told him the truth. I get your friendship. That’s all I want.”

“You know I love you, right?” I ask him, fitting his little blue hat snug over his dark brown hair that’s grown in. He grabs onto my finger with both hands. And my melted heart starts to swell. “More than anything in the whole world…right up there with Loren Hale.” The warm air billows, and he lets out a tiny baby squeal, kicking his legs.