Addicted After All (Addicted, #5)

by Krista Ritchie

I love how he makes me feel normal. How my brain isn’t some vast deep filthy wasteland to him. In his eyes, I’m some kind of perfect.

“What’s so funny?” My smile is full-blown. From cheek to cheek. “I’ve always loved you, you know,” I breathe. I can’t stop staring at her. She’s been through every piece of my life with me. And it’s overwhelming and incomprehensible. The universe that I want to be in is the one where Lily walks through that shower door. Every time. She opens her mouth to speak, but emotions pummel her first. She wipes her eyes, which is silly and adorable since beads of water roll down her cheeks from the showerhead. “I have something in my eye,” she mumbles. “Sure,” I whisper. Then I draw her closer, kiss right outside her lips, and just hold her for a second. It’s like embracing the happiest parts of yourself. I can’t quite explain what it feels like—but I’m certain it’s somewhere near heaven.

A light bursts in my brain, bright and beautiful. I’m not as evil as I thought I’d be. Lo said as much. “I love you,” I tell him. He’s my teammate. My sidekick. The person I want to tag in for every tough moment in my life. My very own Scott Summers.

“I’m rooting for you, just so you know.” He breaks into a laugh, his eyes welling with tears—like it’s the first time he’s heard those words. In this context, I realize that it most likely is. My heart swells. Yep, I’m rooting for you, Loren Hale. You got this.

Seas of people create paths, just so that I can pass through. I’ve never been anything more than a nuisance. I expect glares to drill into me. But they just nod and smile. It’s been like this all night. I feel different. Older. Stronger. I carry more confidence in my gait, and I wonder, if all this time, I just needed to believe in myself. And then I’d receive this response. It overwhelms me in ways I can’t explain.

I decided, early on, that I won’t lie for anything anymore. It’s not healthy. It’s not worth the pain. And if I want to live my life as a better, more whole person, this is what I have to do. It’s like I can breathe with every sentence. I’m no longer dreading my future. For the first time, I yearn for tomorrow and cherish yesterday and live for today. It’s peace that no one will take from me.

I shake my head. “All you have to do is tell her. Just say it, bro. You’d rather the position go to me than her.” He thinks he’s subjecting me to hell, but he’s not. It’s not unbearable. This is where I was always supposed to be. “I can’t fucking choose her over you, or vice versa.” Darkness sweeps over his face like a passing storm. It’s like this is a sin he refuses to commit. “It’s not a sin,” I tell him outright. “I’m not going to hate you for choosing a better life for the girl you love. I’m not that fucking guy.” Not anymore.

She does one cartwheel, and her skirt flies up to her waist. Revealing underwear that says…I roll my eyes. But the similar underwear reminds me of Lily. Beside the chocolate fountain, Lil holds a stick with a banana. A smile overtakes me. It’s an old trick of ours. Act like you’re contemplating dipping a piece of food into the fountain, when you’re just killing time. I peel my gaze off her and onto my brother. He’s trying to suppress a rare smile of his own, completely infatuated with Daisy. She’s on the fourth cartwheel and gathered more attention from people. When she does a handstand, people watch her. A few board members shake their head in disapproval. I LOVE RYKE MEADOWS is upside down. I catch a few people snapping photos with their camera phones. That was expected. “Your name is on her ass,” I state blankly. “I’m so fucking in love with her,” is all he says. And I believe every word. When she drops her feet, she takes a small bow, and a couple guys clap. Probably for showing her ass. I shoot them a look, but that doesn’t stop them from ogling Daisy. It irritates me, but that feeling vanishes the moment Daisy locks eyes with my brother. The moment she runs straight out of the ballroom with the biggest, brightest smile. She’s a ball of light that Ryke is going to catch up to. I can see it in his eyes. And he’s off behind her.

I wait for them to exit onto the street. It’s something Daisy would do. And maybe three minutes pass before a platinum-blonde girl sprints out of the hotel and into the parking lot. She removes her shirt and her skirt as she races forward. We’re only on the third floor, so I make out her overpowering smile. It’s like watching someone break free. And my brother—he runs after her. I know everyone thinks he chased Daisy to stop her. They were nodding in approval about it as he left, but he wasn’t. As soon as he falls in line with Daisy, he runs by her side. “They’re going to last,” Lily says with a hopeful nod. Yeah. They just might.

Lo glares at the sky like why, God, why? Our son wiggles in a navy-blue sling across Lo’s chest, and he rocks him a little. I have to catch myself from staring too hard. Lo holding Moffy in the sling has topped the cuteness charts. Even Celebrity Crush featured photos of them calling Lo “one of the hottest celebrity dads.” It’s undeniable.

When I slip into my father’s den, I am washed deeper in memories. The leather couch, the dark wooden cabinets, organized desk, computer hutch, flat-screen television—it’s the home of a night I’ll never forget. I was fourteen, and I’d just fought with my father in that same hallway. When I returned to the den, Lily was waiting timidly on the couch, our sci-fi show paused on the TV. We’d always been more than just friends. We were best friends. She had all of me by then. I had most of her. And I let Lily drown my pain with a kiss. And then something more. I lost my virginity here. Right here. In the torment of my fucked up childhood. For years, I avoided this den. Like it contained every calloused feeling from that night. I can walk through it now and not be pulled under. I believe this.

“You always think you’re the bad guy, Lo. But you’re not.” His head hangs. “You’re fucking not.” He buries his face in his bent knees again. This time, my joints work, and I sit beside my brother. I wrap my arm around his tense shoulder that shudders with his body.

“Do you want to talk over coffee?” I ask. “Maybe in the break room?” Without hesitation, Willow nods—and her eyes well with tears. Relieved. She’s relieved. There was a chance that I could’ve slammed a door in her face. Told her to hop on a bus back to Maine. I didn’t. I won’t. After truly knowing Ryke, I can’t fathom shutting the door on a sibling. It’s a bond that’s different than a friendship. One that hurts more if it breaks, but when it’s whole, it means everything.

“You and me and Maximoff, we’re going to make new beginnings.” I add, “With no sad endings.” His smile lights up his face. I love that it returned one more time. “No sad endings, love. Those aren’t meant for us.” Good. I’m ready for a happy one.

Then Lo faces his brother. Ryke stiffens in his chair, his brows hardening in confusion as he watches Lo. Lo…the guy who used to run away from bullies, who shouted insults until his throat burned, who always fell down in the end—he stands upright with magnetic confidence that pulls us all in.

“Love,” I breathe, my heart aching. I hug her closer, melding her small, wiry frame to my body. And my lips brush her ear. “You and me.” She chokes on a laugh. “Lily and Lo.” My chest swells. “We’re going to make it in the end.” I smile wide because I can see it now. God, I can see it. It’s closer than I ever realized.

I shake my head a little. “I want to fuck you.” “Funny, I want to fuck you,” he retorts. I laugh weakly into an even weaker smile. “It’s true,” he says in a playful tone. “My best friend—” he pinches my cheeks “—has turned me on since I hit puberty. I love everything about her, and there’s not one day that I go without thinking, I’d like to fuck that girl.” He lowers his lips, those beautiful pink lips to mine, a breath away, and whispers, “So there.”

The moment I drop my hand, Lo returns, and I perk up as I see who he’s brought with him. Maximoff Hale. Our baby, dressed in a red onesie that says: Avenger in Training. His little tufts of dark brown hair are smoothed down, and he sleeps in Lo’s arms with his mouth open. We no longer poke at him to ensure that he’s alive. Lo is holding our son. The baby that we created together. Half of him and half of me. It’s the most beautiful image my brain has ever received. And I’m afraid of turning it into something dirtier. So I swiftly roll onto my stomach and hide beneath the comforter.

“Lo,” I say softly. “Yeah?” “An addict will always be an addict?” There is no changing that, I think. He’s so quiet that I end up peeking at him with one eye. He stares at me with such intensity, stealing my breath. “Did you ever dream that we’d be cured or something?” he asks. My other eye opens. “No,” I whisper. “Did you?” He shakes his head. “I knew from the beginning that we’d be addicted after all.” His amber eyes bore straight through me. “I just didn’t know whether we’d be at a better place than we were before.” We are. I don’t even have to say the words. He knows the answer too. We’re at the best place we’ve ever been, reaching a stasis together. It’s beautiful up here, and even if I fear falling, it’s nice to know I’ve been down that road before. And I can always walk to the top again. Lo leans over our son to kiss me tenderly on the lips, a chaste kiss, but one full of lifelong promise. I let it guide me to sleep.

summer. There was a time where I had no idea who Daisy Calloway was. But I know her now. She’s my exuberant little sister, and I’ve grown to love her more than blood. I love her as a friend, and I selfishly don’t want to let her go.

He bites his lips to keep more emotions at bay. A lump lodges in my throat. I see my best friend, a young Loren Hale who has so many muddled and warring sentiments swirling around him. The pain of living. It’s in Garrison’s eyes.

I can’t even imagine Lo finding his way here at seventeen, saying these guttural, painful things to absolve himself. Loren Hale walked in agony for another half decade. He’d be happy to learn that he saved someone from that today.

Willow is off-limits. Lo said to keep an eye on any “creepy guys” and mentioned that if a Captain America fanatic hits on her, he’s clearly not good enough. Willow deservers Scott Summers and above. It was the most overprotective, cutest superhero reference he’s used in a while.

Maybe in another life, I was cupid and foretold every relationship there ever was. I smile at that thought. I prophesied them all except my very own.

He’s the most compassionate person I’ve ever met. Without asking, he helped me stay sober for years on end. He became friends with a lonely girl who needed one. He watched over her when no one else did. He will always be the biggest hero in my world.

“Sometimes the person we think we’ll become is the person we already are, and the person we truly become is the person we least expect.”

I’d been terrified of becoming my father for years. It’s why I never wanted to take Hale Co. It’s why I pulled against everything he threw at me. And all that time, I was already him. But I’m not my father anymore. I’ve become a better version of the person I once was. Someone I can stand to be around, someone I can live with.

Am I ready to marry the man who has my entire soul? The nervous anxiety subsides. I am. But it’s not until my dad opens the door that I fully believe I’m marrying him. That this is my wedding day. October 10th. On our terms. At long, long last.

He is ice and scotch, sharp and dizzying—breathtakingly gorgeous. And when he looks at me, I see those thousands of memories course through his gaze. The seven-year-old us performing a backyard ceremony. The nine-year-old us racing around his father’s mansion. The fifteen-year-old us flipping through comic books on his bed. We have consumed each other from day one. And we truly never let go.

Connor picks up where he left off. “I speak for everyone here today,” he tells us, “when I say that you two—Lily and Loren—are the strongest people we’ve all ever had the honor to meet.” My eyes well. What? Lo squeezes my hand. Connor remains stoic, his grin genuine and heartfelt. “You both have spent years praising all of us for our talents and our strengths, but you were too blinded by your own foibles to even realize how much we’ve revered you. For years, we’ve watched you fight for this future, for each other, and you’ve conquered a larger battle in your lifetime than most of us will ever come to see.” I feel the tears roll down my cheeks, my chin trembling. I never ever believed someone could say something like that to us. This is a dream, but I know it’s not. Because Lo squeezes my hand again, his eyes misted too. And Connor says, “You are our heroes, and today, we are grateful to celebrate your love and your life together.”

“If someone ever asks how long we’ve spent together, I’d say for as long as my mind stretches back. I can’t tell you the day that I fell in love with you because there wasn’t a single day that I didn’t.” My voice shakes with more joy than I’ve ever known. “You have the purest parts of my heart, and I’m certain that in every alternate universe, I’m always, always in love with you.”

His chest rises with mine, our breath matched. Exhale for exhale. Inhale for inhale. He leans close like he aches to kiss me. His arms wrap around my waist. And in his sweetly edged voice, he tells me, “Nearly every day of our lives you’ve wondered one thing.” Sex darts into my brain. And his smile lights up his face, knowing full-well the dirty paths of my mind. “You’ve wondered when your superpowers will kick in.” His words flush my thoughts, and I focus on his intense, passionate gaze. “Have they?” I ask softly. “According to your timeline,” he says, “they’ve been present as far as your mind stretches back.” His lips rise. “Lily Calloway…all this time, your superpower has been loving me.” Tears cloud my eyes, and they don’t stop, especially as he adds, “And you’ll be happy to know that I’m not mortal.” “You aren’t?” I choke. “No.” He shakes his head, brushing away the wetness beneath my eyes. “Because my superpower is the love that I have for you. It’s out of this world, extraordinary, incomprehensible kind of love. And no one and nothing on this earth comes close to it.” My heart is so full that I can hardly breathe.

Our lips meet at the same moment, expressing the words we’ve spoken. Our bodies attract like magnets that’ve met for an unquantifiable time. In the very happiest moment of my life I learn three things: I am strong. I have powers. And my soul meets Loren Hale’s in every kiss. When the ...

I could’ve been on my honeymoon this week, but Lily and I decided not to have one. We’ve spent years alone together, and the moments where we’re living with our friends, with the people we love, and our son—those are the ones that feel like something special. We don’t need to be in an exotic country or on the ocean to experience that. We just need to be home.

He looks at me again. “I think about what would’ve happened if I just left you there.” “I’ll tell you, bro, so you can stop torturing yourself.” I don’t break his gaze. “I would’ve woken up the next morning, kick-started the day with some Baileys, then switched to whiskey and bourbon. Every hour, every damn day, and I would’ve taken down the only girl I’ve ever loved with me.” His nose flares as he restrains his emotion. “You saved me, and the way I see it, Rose saved Lily.” In rehab, the counselors told me that I was a real asshole—that I said unconscionable things to people, and that no one should be around me when they’re in a bad place. But I needed someone. Without support, it’d be too hard to stand up and too easy to fall down. Ryke’s one decision changed my world. “When I think back to that day, or what I can remember,” I tell Ryke, “I don’t usually think about what a fucking asshole I was. I’m just grateful for the kind of guy you were then and the one you are now.” I flash him a half-smile. “I love you, man.”

There are small moments where I still fear for him. Struggles he may face, mistakes I know he’ll make, but I just remind myself something that I never even considered a year ago. I remind myself that he has us. And back then, I would’ve pitied him for landing a shit like me. But I’m not a shit. I’m not worthless or pathetic. If my son ever trips, I have no doubt that I can carry him as far as he needs to go. I love my child unconditionally, the way that I love my wife, and I will praise him. I will cherish him. And I will adore him. I’ll give him everything that we were starved of.

“I’m supposed to give you presents on your birthday,” she murmurs, “not the other way around.” “You’ve given me enough to last a hundred more birthdays, love.” At twenty-five, I am in desperate love with a girl who desperately loves me back. There is nothing more that I want than to experience life with her. She touches Moffy’s tiny fingers, and she skims his cheek with a gentle, caring brush of her thumb. My family. My wife. My son. Never did I think I’d be the recipient of fragile, precious things. Every single part of me is alive today. And it’ll be tomorrow. I’m not dying in my own body anymore. I am truly living. Peace courses through me. It’s the quiet that I never thought existed. And the heaven that I never believed was meant for me. Lily and I—we may have started our relationship as pretend. But for as long as I can remember, our love has always been real.