Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues

by Carole Robin

We put the “almost”s in parentheses because, having lived in academia, we are used to being cautious about sweeping statements. But after two glasses of wine, we drop the “almost.”

“Feedback is the breakfast of champions.”

Sticking with your reality is more complicated than you might imagine, as there are actually three different areas of understanding, or realiti...

The first reality is Sanjay’s intent, which was that he wanted everybody to “take a team perspective.” That first area is what only Sanjay knows. This includes his needs, motives, emotions, and intentions.

The second reality is his behavior, and that is the area they both see. It consists of Sanjay’s words, tone, gestures, facial expressions, and the like.

The third reality is the impact of his behavior on Elena, and that’s the area in which Elena is an expert; it comprises her ...

In describing this model, we tell our students to imagine a tennis net between the first and second “realities”—that is, between intent and behavior. In tennis, you can’t play in the other’s court, and the same is true with feedback. You have to stay on your side of the net.

I am not sure I understand why the net is between intent and behavior.

They don’t stick with their reality but go over the net in making attributions about the other. People say, “You just don’t want to cooperate,” “You want to dominate this discussion!” “I feel that you only think about yourself,” or “I feel like you don’t care.”

One should always say ‘I’, and never say ‘you’ in these situations. The two should never be combined, either.

Adults often fall into the trap of thinking that they know other people’s motives and intentions. But unless they’ve explicitly told us, what we surmise is only our hunch. Their intentions are their reality, not ours. Furthermore, it’s rare that the intentions themselves are the problem.

Rather, the problem is with their behavior, and there can be many reasons why a person, even with the best of intentions, acts in ways that another person might find problematic.

impasse.

There’s another advantage if Elena gives feedback based on her reality: Sanjay is more likely to explain why he acted as he did.

In raising her issue before she has written Sanjay off entirely, Elena has given him a gift.

“Joe, in the meeting today, I noticed that you were mainly talking about your area and not responding to others’ concerns. If you want other people to take your issues seriously, you need to do that for them as well.”

feedback on problematic behavior is positive, because behavior is something we can change, and feedback on it is an opportunity to improve.

Quite simply, you’re better off knowing than not.

I need to talk, because I’m getting increasingly frustrated by what’s happening in the group. Some of it is with my peers, but some of it is with you, and I’d really like to work it out.”

“it’s not a capital crime, but I feel annoyed, and it’s beginning to interfere with my enjoyment on the job.”

“Yes, I noticed that a couple of times,” Sanjay responded. “And I’m sorry.” “You noticed it and didn’t say anything? That’s even more disappointing.”

you’re the leader, and so you’re the role model. And when you don’t say anything, you normalize it.

being a team player doesn’t mean we lose our identity or that the different contributions that people make aren’t acknowledged. I’m committed for a lot of reasons, and it would help if my contributions were recognized.”

my intent in giving you all of this feedback is to point out ways in which your behavior is affecting me negatively and to do that early enough for it not to turn into a big deal. It is precisely because I care as much as I do about our relationship that I feel compelled to have this conversation.”

feedback is a gift.

“feedback sandwich,”

starting with something positive (to soften up the other person), then saying something negative, and ending with something positive so they will feel good.

this approach rarely works.

I’m trying not to be defensive because I don’t see myself as a judgmental person. But clearly, I’m doing something that’s giving you that impression. What am I doing?”

You’ve said that you want members to hold each other accountable. Do you really want that? And if you do, is there a way that I could have done it that might have appeared less judgmental?” This might lead to a rich discussion between the two of them.

“I don’t know if this is right or not, but I was struck by the fact that you seemed hesitant to confront members when they only advocated for their area. I wonder how you feel about conflict, and again I want to say that even though this feels a bit risky to ask, my intention here is to be helpful to you.”

If we can disagree on tasks, can’t we disagree on people’s behaviors, too? And, Sanjay, in this discussion, do you feel attacked by me? I’m asking because I’m frankly a little nervous about how you might be taking this. Should I have said nothing or been less direct?”

the feedback model. She (a) described her own reality (“I don’t see myself that way”) without explaining or justifying herself; (b) acknowledged that Sanjay’s reaction was his; and (c) asked for the behavior that gave him that impression.

Pandora!

She’s turned an accusation into a mutual learning experience. Although conceptually simple, it’s not always easy to do.

“Can you tell me more about what you mean? I’ve never missed a practice or a game, and I happily play anywhere in the lineup you place me. That’s what commitment means to me. But obviously I’m doing something that makes you think I’m not committed. What is it?”

sometimes feedback comes in very ugly wrapping—but that doesn’t mean there’s not a gift inside.

you can only know two of the three realities, receiving feedback is essential to being more effective. You need to know the third—the impact of your behavior.

Is David’s interrupting good or bad? That’s actually a useless question. Interrupting is useful with Carole because she sees it as a sign of engagement, and it’s dysfunctional with Donald because he experiences it as disrespectful.

In ensuing conversations, he told Donald that it had not been his intention to be disrespectful and he’d heard the impact it had on Donald. David said that he would really try not to interrupt but asked Donald for a little forgiveness when he forgot. On that basis, they were able to build a positive work relationship.

feedback says as much about the giver as the receiver.

feedback starts a conversation. It doesn’t end it.

When you own your part in a disagreement, it often makes it easier for the other person to own theirs. Together, you can search for a solution that more closely fits each person’s needs.

Building relationships where each person feels free to give and ask for feedback is key both to preventing pinches from becoming crunches and to helping each person develop in new and more effective ways. Truly, when people care for each other and their intent is to convey that, feedback is a gift.

“I care enough to say the very worst.” Even if the person to whom you are giving feedback is momentarily taken aback, when done with genuine care and in service of the relationship, feedback is always a gift for which to be grateful.

reasons you might have difficulty giving feedback. (Note that some of them overlap with ways we give away influence.)

Giving feedback in too-general terms. For example, being indirect, being nonspecific about the actual behavior, or sugarcoating the impact so the receiver misses your point.

Withholding/downplaying feedback out of a need to be well thought of or respected. Needing to be liked, seen as a “nice person.” Wanting to please others.

pay lip service to accepting the feedback but not take it in?

Do I? I try to take feedback to heart, but it may not get to me in full the first time I hear it. It may take me a while or I may have to hear similar feedback several times to fully understand it.

successfully dealing with difficult issues can actually strengthen a relationship.

The opposite has also been true in my experience. The inability to provide or receive feedback can damage the relationship.

Disputes get messy as people react with defensiveness, denial, resistance, and retaliation.

careen