Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues

by Carole Robin

difference between being defensive and having to defend oneself.

defensiveness

can block your ability to hear feedback, or you might too quickly dismiss that feedback with explanations, even if you heard it.

when you feel defensive, it’s not that extreme; you can still hear and deal with what someone is telling you. Acknowledge the feeling, and hold back your tendency to rebut. Instead, try to understand what the other is saying. Set aside the need to “be right.” The most important issue at that moment is the feedback that the other is giving—not defending your identity or ego.

If you see that the other is totally emotionally flooded, you can say, “I’m concerned. If I were in your shoes, I might feel overwhelmed. Is that going on for you? Would it help to take a break and come back to this later?” Again, do come back to it. If it’s having that much impact on the other, it must be important.

Try to see the value in their struggle, and don’t back off, but join them. If they say, “Wait a minute, I don’t do that all the time,” you might respond by saying, “That’s right, you don’t, but you did it here and there [naming specific behavioral incidents], and it bothers me/is not meeting your goals/is costly to you.”

the key determining factor for both relationship development and individual growth is an ability to learn.

they also discussed how they wanted to relate to each other. Elena asked whether the way she was giving Sanjay feedback felt like an attack and whether she should not be as direct. Sanjay’s saying that was not the case freed up their interactions.

Accepting the validity of someone’s feedback also doesn’t mean you must act on it. Feedback is information for you to decide what to do with. It’s data with which to expand your choices.

feedback is a gift—but just because someone gives you a gift, it doesn’t mean you’re required to use it. This may not be the best time to take action. Seeing feedback as data that informs and expands our choices—not a requirement for change—makes it easier to hear and consider.

What might you do at these four stages that hinders effective problem resolution? Getting the other person to take the feedback seriously Sharing all the issues Resolution Repair

R < D × V × F. The R is for “resistance to change.” In order for change to happen, the product of the other three variables has to be larger than the resistance. The D stands for “dissatisfaction,” meaning you need to be aware of the cost of your present behavior. The V stands for “vision,” meaning you need to see the benefit of new behavior and believe that the result will be worth the effort, and the F stands for “first steps,” meaning you believe you can acquire new skills that make change easier.

bantered

clench

flippantly

There’s a big difference between personality and behavior. Personality is extremely difficult to change—if you’re an extrovert, you’re unlikely to become introverted no matter how hard you try. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on leaving more space for others to speak, which is a behavior.

he’s a doctor, an occupation where giving advice is not only routine but historically expected. The medical setting also stresses rationality, which requires keeping emotions in check. So it’s not all that surprising that he doesn’t disclose a lot of his feelings to his daughter.

When someone engages in habitual behaviors, as Phil did, others learn to adapt, thereby reinforcing them.

reticence

When you conclude too quickly that a certain set of behaviors is “the way that person is and will always be,” you might be doing them an injustice. Instead, try to understand all the factors that perpetuate that pattern of behavior.

expressed her feelings (in words, tone, and nonverbal signals)

love him so much, she often thought, and he drives me so crazy. Because she felt internally blocked, her feelings came out muddled and unclear.

Phil heard her request about advice-giving as if he had to stop it completely. Often when you want somebody to modify a behavior, you don’t have something that extreme in mind. As one of our colleagues often points out, it might be easier to think of this as a dial to be turned down a bit as opposed to a switch to be turned off.

“Thanks for agreeing to walk and talk, Dad. I know you aren’t big on this kind of stuff, so I appreciate it.” Phil just shrugged, so Rachel added, “This is really hard for me.” “What’s so hard? Just spit it out.” “I’m afraid what I want to say to you is going to hurt your feelings, and I don’t want to do that,” she said. “I’m also afraid that if I don’t say this to you, it’s going to hurt our relationship.”

Rachel decided to let the first comment slide.

we have to talk about how we can work this out. Just to be clear, I am not asking you to change your personality. It is your actions, your behaviors, that are the issue. And those you can control.”

feedback worked because both giver and receiver shared the same sense of joint responsibility to move into a problem-solving conversation.

Denial

Defensiveness

Explanations/excuses

Retaliating

Blaming

Putting the other down

Questioning motives

When someone puts up these barriers, they’re not really hearing the message. The feedback giver will often back away (as Rachel considered doing) or refrain from offering feedback in the future.

What seems like an infuriating loop is actually an opportunity: You can point it out right as it’s happening. “Sam, this is what I am talking about.”

“I’m going to give this one more try. And I am desperate to have you hear me. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t love you as much as I do and I didn’t care as much as I do about our relationship. Can we sit down over there on that flat rock and try again?”

“Okay, I’m starting to get that you want me to listen to you more. Even though I think I am listening.” “Yes, Dad, but the issue is not whether you are listening to me, it’s whether I’m feeling heard. Those are actually different.”

By ‘being heard,’ I mean are you really trying to understand me? Several times in the last week, I said that I was irritated. Not only did you not acknowledge that you heard that, but I didn’t hear that you were concerned about it or wanted to find out what was going on with me. We can’t work out our issues if we don’t try to understand each other.”

Going back to the Beckhard formula of R (resistance) < D × V × F, Rachel increased her father’s understanding of the cost he was paying by causing her unhappiness (the D for his dissatisfaction), helped him understand what could be better (showed him a vision—the V—for how it could be), and showed him more about how to get there (the F for “first steps”).

when she talked about what was important to her—she didn’t want him to shut down. She also wanted something we call “feeling emotionally met.” Being able to connect in this way with another is especially important when you’re at an impasse, where conflict and emotions are high and each person is having difficulty understanding the other.

There are two ways to think about meeting others emotionally. One is what they need to feel, and the other is what you need to do.

When people feel emotionally met, they feel fully heard, understood, seen, accepted, and not judged. That requires hearing beyond the word...

It is almost certain that he will regress and fall back on familiar patterns. What is crucial is that Rachel not give up. It’s a process of “two steps forward and one back,” and it’s important that she continue to acknowledge his progress, as she did when she told him she finally felt heard. Too often, we focus on what a person does wrong, forgetting how impactful positive reinforcement can be.

“Catch someone doing something right.” Ken Blanchard

Assuming change is easier than it is

Neglecting to use D × V × F (dissatisfaction × vision × first steps)

Wanting the change for your sake and not taking into account what the other wants

retort,

it’s like a minefield with you. I don’t know what to say that won’t make things worse.”

They let pinches build up: