Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues

by Carole Robin

They didn’t state their feelings:

They played the blame game:

They didn’t attempt to understand each other:

The two friends were not in a space where they were managing their emotions particularly well, and their feelings could easily have escalated into a level of damage from which the relationship might never have recovered. This is why we feel so strongly that you must own your emotions or they will own you. By “owning,” we’re not suggesting suppressing, which is what each of them did. Rather, owning and managing emotions is about expressing them, but doing so in productive ways.

most people have a tendency to first go to their head, to try to understand what’s going on logically, before paying attention to their own or someone else’s feelings. It’s a hard habit to break.

cowering

we can’t selectively numb emotions, for “when we numb anger, sadness, and fear, we also numb gratitude, love, and joy.”

To this day, Carole knows those seven men would follow her anywhere. Had this happened during her first year on the job, when she had less credibility and confidence, it is unlikely the outcome would have been as good.

“How do you know how I feel? Only I know how I feel.”

“I’m feeling bad that you’re hurting.”

Even when people do express feelings, they tend to downplay their intensity.

Not infrequently, it’s only when an emotion passes a threshold of seven that people notice or report it. While low-level feelings might not be worth exp...

We also “leak” emotions, through sharpness of tone or facial expressions of disdain, which results in even more dysfunctional exchanges,

logjam.

“I feel bad about how I’ve been responding to you this evening. It’s just been so hard for me to hear your unhappiness. Everything is not always so rosy for me either.”

anger is a second-order emotion and there are usually more vulnerable feelings beneath it. If either Mia or Aniyah were aware of this, could they have stopped to ask themselves, “What am I so upset about? What is making me so angry?”

False pride locks you into a rigid stance and often leads to giving up control of what will happen. Often just catching yourself by recognizing that it is your ego at play is enough.

As we have discussed before, when two people are stuck, it is sometimes important to step back and ask, “What’s going on? Can we get out of this?”

“This evening’s conversation isn’t like the ones we used to have. In the past, I felt a real caring and closeness that I’m missing. I’d like to have that again. What about you?”

when you’re aware of feelings in real time, you have more choices on how to proceed.

All three options require vulnerability, which is challenging when you’re feeling hurt and misunderstood. But as they say, no risk, no reward.

When I have been hurt by another, I find it hard to let go of my resentment.

Letting pinches build up

maybe it’s not worth it. Maybe they should just retreat. They’re at a key decision point, and how they move forward has everything to do with their commitment to each other, their ability to handle this difficult situation, and whether their relationship is worth possibly more conflict.