More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Carole Robin
Read between
February 20 - April 25, 2021
They took some important steps, though they will need repeated iterations, with reciprocal risk-taking and vulnerability, for the relationship to continue to grow. But they learned how to disclose to each other and began to experience some of the benefits.
The difference between being curious and being intrusive can be a very fine line. If you believe someone really wants to get to know you and has told you why, you’re likely to experience their questions as less invasive.
It is important to give the other person space, as Ben did in both conversations. He was careful to express genuine interest without being coercive,
Reciprocity is a crucial element in self-disclosure, but whose job is it to disclose first? Even though the more we disclose, the more control we have over how we are seen, we have to consider how much more difficult it is when issues of status or perceived status are in play.
Unfortunately, gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic background also create status distinctions. Expecting someone who might already feel one-down to initiate self-disclosure is a lot to ask. It’s only logical that such disclosures come with a relatively higher feeling of risk. This is especially the case with people from marginalized groups, such as women in male-dominated fields and people of color.
higher-status people are often unaware that their role makes it hard for people to disclose to them.
Those in a higher-power-and-status position need to not only be aware of this dynamic but also disclose to a greater degree than they would with someone of equal status.
status difference
“I just need to tell you that I’m having a hard time performing up to standard. I’m going through a very difficult divorce.” John had gone through a divorce himself and, sensing that Darryl might want to talk, said, “Let’s get out of the office for a while. I have to buy new speakers and could use your expertise. We can get some lunch while we’re at it.” John used the time to let Darryl talk about the problems in his marriage and shared some of his own experience. Darryl later reported how much this meant to him, that he felt understood and supported and came to think of John as much more than
...more
As relationships develop, people come to have growing expectations of each other. And while reaching out and responding to the other’s needs is an essential part of building a stronger relationship, setting boundaries is also crucial. Different boundaries might be needed at different points in a developing relationship. You have to identify, surface, and successfully resolve these boundary concerns when they arise.
Showing acceptance (“I can really understand why you would react that way”)
You are leading with your self-disclosure to encourage theirs and, by doing so, deepening the relationship.
for relationships to endure, influence must be balanced and matched.
The cycle of self-disclosure, support, trust, and then further disclosure is an important underpinning of balance. As each person gets to know the other better, they use that knowledge to further the process.
hurl
pell-mell
Establishing What Feels Fair
Societal values, background, and personal history all influence the way someone assesses the costs and benefits in a relationship.
It is crucial that each person be clear about what they want as well as knowing what the other wants.
Rebalancing: Clarify Wants, Then Reassess
Unfortunately, we tend to judge the “appropriateness” of the needs and complaints raised by others from the perspective of our own needs and values.
each person in a relationship has a responsibility to ensure that not only their own costs and benefits are in balance but the other person’s are as well.
He could have named his fear of losing an arrangement that was working well for him and then temporarily set that interest aside in order to help Maddie explore her frustration. His curiosity would have allowed him to understand his partner better and increase the chance that she would feel fully understood. Showing that you understand what the other is feeling is a form of giving someone what they need.
When we can discuss our needs and dissatisfactions, we’re more likely to develop a solution that works for everyone. Not always easy.
diatribe
The second step in rebalancing, once you’ve clarified wants, is to reassess whatever arrangements you’ve made in the past. Agreements that feel right at one point in time don’t necessarily work as well later on.
When individuals become locked into past agreements, they run the risk that their own growth, and the growth of their relationship, will stall. The best relationships continue to evolve as each person discovers new needs, seeks different benefits, and learns to deal with and let go of prior limitations. Problems arise, though, when people grow at different rates and in different directions, producing strain on the relationship. The danger is that one or both stop growing to avoid conflict.
when this imbalance happens, the only productive way forward is to directly face these changes, understand their impact, and jointly explore how to address them. Reassessing relationship agreements isn’t simple. It’s apt to result in change, and change often triggers resistance: How is this going to turn out? Will I have to give up something that is really important to me or incur a cost I’m not prepared to pay? It also brings unpredictability (How are you going to respond?) and perhaps guilt or recrimination (Why did we not do this before?).
a larger and more fundamental issue was their difficulty influencing each other in the face of contentious issues.
When someone (generally a woman) quits their job to become a stay-at-home parent, the balance of power in the relationship shifts.
Influence discrepancies exist in most relationships, though minor ones are rarely a barrier to talking honestly and coming to an effective solution. However, a significant difference in influence often results in a dysfunctional cycle.
She also lost influence by letting Adam’s logical arguments rule the day, superseding the value of her feelings, and by buying into his position that they’d made an agreement and that was that.
a meta-level discussion.
“Can we talk about why we can’t talk?” They needed to temporarily set aside the content of their disagreement to discuss what was b...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
ability to process how we communicate and problem-solve is one of the most crucial competencies in building deep relationships.
While David and Carole were writing this book, they had multiple opportunities to practice what they preach. David would constantly come up with new content ideas that he wanted to discuss. Carole’s first thought was usually, Oh no, here he goes again—we’re trying to take stuff out of the manuscript, and he keeps adding to it! At these times she had three choices. The first was to say, “No, we’re not doing that.” The second was to say, “Okay, I’m too tired and have lost my patience, so you just do it.” The third, which is what she most often chose, was to manage her irritation and consider his
...more
If you don’t double down on commitment when conflicts arise, you are less likely to have a good outcome, which then makes it harder to commit further. Suddenly, you are in a negatively reinforcing loop. On the other hand, the very act of demonstrating commitment can begin an important positively reinforcing loop. The more we commit and invest, the more rewarding the outcome is likely to be, and the better the outcome, the easier it is to commit more.
although it’s easier for the one with more influence to initiate the change. And, as challenging as it might be for the lower-influence person to take the initiative, it is possible. The first step is for Maddie to stop giving away the power that she has. People give influence away all the time, often without realizing they are doing so.
TEN WAYS YOU GIVE AWAY INFLUENCE Assuming that your needs are secondary to the other’s Not listening to your feelings Letting yourself be interrupted Backing down when someone disagrees with you Avoiding conflict—not disagreeing with the other, keeping things nice Not giving feedback, assuming the problem is probably yours Being concerned about being liked/approved of and seeing that as most important Minimizing the importance of your comments Not taking credit for your accomplishments Not pointing out a problem unless you have a solution
the single most limiting one is the fear of conflict—believing that conflict is a sign of a flawed relationship and/or that once unleashed, disagreements will escalate and permanently damage or even destroy the relationship.
discussions can be damaging if handled poorly. Yet the solution isn’t to avoid them. You need an important set of competencies to productively raise and resolve disagreements.
When you guilt-trip me, it makes me want to hang out even less.”
People often claim, as Jessica did, that they withhold critical feedback out of kindness, for the sake of the other person. But is it really for the other’s sake or for our own?
One of the ways that Jessica trapped herself was that she didn’t pay enough attention to her growing frustration. Instead, she downplayed her emotions,
“Own your feelings or they will own you.”
a “pinch”—a
a shorthand way of saying, “Hey, this isn’t a capital offense, but it’s bothering me.” Pinches are inevitable in any relationship.
These aren’t major conflicts; some of them pass, but others get under your skin and, if not dealt with, can grow into sizable problems—what we’d call
a “crunch.”
When a relationship first develops, both parties are on their best behavior. But as they get to know each other, one person inevitably does something that rubs the other the wrong way.
