Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues

by Carole Robin

Experiences have the most value when you try to make sense out of them.

You might want to consider keeping a journal of what you learn from the “Deepen Your Learning” activities

How much should you offer to help your partner? Will they welcome the offer or be insulted? What if you want to take a break but your partner doesn’t?

Letting yourself be more fully known is crucial to developing exceptional relationships. Self-disclosure creates more opportunities to connect and increases trust. It is also enormously validating to be accepted for who you really are. That said, it’s not risk-free.

What happens if you’re authentic and open but then misunderstood? Or what if your openness overwhelms the other person? What role do emotions play in self-disclosure? What are you willing to risk in order to be better known?

the fear that the disclosure will result in judgment or rejection is very real. We all filter information through our own past experiences, some of which can be so significant they distort how we respond in the present.

Fear of disclosure can pop up anywhere along the arc of a relationship, because you share more as a relationship grows. However, the fear is particularly acute early on.

When the other person doesn’t know you well, they don’t have the context with which to understand the full meaning of your actions. Will they read more into what you’ve said or done than what’s there? Even worse, will they get locked into an opinion about you, or a judgment, and not take in any new disconfirming information?

“To know all is to for...

egregious.

You can’t share everything about yourself at once or too early in the process of becoming known.

not all situations allow the luxury of continued contact and a chance to adjust early impressions.

Particularly early on in a relationship, you may not know how the other’s reacting. They’re unlikely to say, “What you just said really bothered me.” Generally, all you have to go on is body language or tone, which can be ambiguous. Their furrowed brow could be a sign of disapproval—or maybe they’re just unhappy about something in their life and their reaction has nothing to do with you. The point is, it’s a risk. But there’s also risk in playing your cards too close to your vest; unfortunately, the closer I hold my cards, the closer you are likely to hold yours. You can’t get to deeper relationships without disclosure. So how much should you disclose? And when? There are no definitive answers to those questions, but in our experience, people are generally too cautious—they could be sharing more, sooner than they think.

Discretion may be the better part of valor, but most people err, like Elena, on the side of caution, causing the relationship to stagnate.

Consider three concentric rings that represent decreasing safety as you move out from the center. The smallest ring, in the middle, is the Zone of Comfort. This refers to what you say or do that you don’t think twice about and with which you feel completely safe. The outermost ring is the Zone of Danger—things you wouldn’t consider doing or saying given the high likelihood that the outcome would be negative. The ring between “Comfort” and “Danger” is known as the Zone of Learning and is where you are unsure about how another will respond. That is typically the zone in which people learn.

we suggest testing the waters by stretching into the zone of learning by 15 percent

you have to take into account the impact of your disclosures on the other person.

you have to gauge the situational appropriateness.

Sharing facts starts to build a larger picture of who we are but only goes so far. What tends to have more impact is sharing feelings. The important distinction is between cognitions (thoughts), which tell what is, and emotions (feelings), which tell how important it is.

we use “feelings” and “emotions” interchangeably in this book.)

Two people who experience the same event can have very different ...

The other benefit of emotions is that they actually give meaning to facts.

Feelings also can indicate the intensity of an experience.

to communicate well we must express thoughts/cognitions and feelings/emotions.

“I don’t need to go into more of the details right now, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your empathy.”

Elena’s two antennae, tuned to Sanjay’s reactions and her own, can inform her choices.

If emotions are so valuable, why do we downplay them? In many cultures, logic and rationality hold sway as the coin of the realm.

We also tend to stigmatize “being emotional” and are advised not to “wear our emotions on our sleeves.” Men, in particular, are socialized not to display emotion, while women who work in male-dominated environments often feel conflicted about how much emotion to show for fear of being seen as too sensitive and insufficiently tough, or as “dramatic.” Fortunately, norms are changing.

being in touch with one’s emotions and expressing them appropriately was a key determinant in leadership success. In the past, many men considered it taboo to express emotions, but nowadays, it is more acceptable—and even desirable. Still, many of these stereotypes persist.

Emotions sometimes appear contradictory, which also works against our willingness to share them.

Ambivalence

Hamlet’s quandary,

“to share, or not to share.”

Rather than trying to resolve the problem by deciding whether to go along or not, why not just name the dilemma? “Honey, I really appreciate what you’ve planned. It shows me how much you care that I’ve had a tough week. But I’m so exhausted and don’t want to go along just because of your effort. Could we figure out something that would work fo...

Sharing both sides of the quandary allows a fuller expression of the issues. The other learns more about not only what’s important to you but also what is blocking you. Yes, this disclosure increases your vulnerability, but that’s the price of potentially deepening the connection.

Very important. It is somewhat similar to a ‘Fair Balance’ statement.

“I feel”

can be used in two different ways—one useful, and one misleading. It can be used to express an emotion, as in “I feel upset by your comment,” or it can express a thought/cognition, as in “I feel like you want to dominate this conversation.”

use the term “feel” only to express an emotion.

There are two ways to tell whether your “I feel” statement is really expressing an emotion. The first is paying attention to the word that follows “I feel.” If that word isn’t an adjective describing an emotion (such as “sad” or “angry”), you should be skeptical.

You can also try a simple substitution. If you can replace “feel” or “feel like” with “think” and the sentence still makes sense, then you haven’t expressed an emotion. For example, “I feel that you want to dominate” and “I think you want to dominate” convey the same meaning—because both are cognitions, not feelings.

Think of the difference between “I feel irritated and dismissed” and “I feel that you don’t care.” The shift in language might be subtle, but the impact is profound.

A ‘you’ (projection) is introduced. Even when it is not a projection, it is still an assumption Do not make an ASS of U or ME.

you could drop the “I feel that” and the sentence would not change.) “I feel irritated and dismissed” is a statement about me whereas “I feel that you don’t care” is an accusation that is likely to cause defensiveness.

in any given situation, you have many choices about how to respond.

Reactive vs. proactive.

Social scientists call the belief in our ability to act in the world

“having agency.”

we have more agency and can be more impactful than we initially think. This is an important mindset because moving to deeper, more meaningful, and exceptional relationships will require challenging choices.

Our emphasis on choices, having influence, and acting with agency is not to imply that you can build an exceptional relationship on your own. Relationships are co-determined. Nevertheless, you can take steps that increase the chance that the other will join you in this journey.

She asked if Sanjay would help her think it through,

“Sounds like there’s more to that.”

the difficulty I had with that boss. I could never seem to please him, and when I went to see him to talk about it, I got into trouble. The discussion started off civilly enough, but then he made one excuse after another, and the more he did that, the more upset I got. Here I was, trying to work it out, and he was just brushing the whole thing aside.

I’m usually composed,