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August 12 - September 5, 2025
Like I said, it was below freezing. I was outside. And I was wearing boxers, a leather jacket, and a pair of pink Crocs sandals that barely fit me.
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I was also holding a crying, scratching, squirming, and spitting cat named Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk. She was a tortoiseshell, Persian cat worth more than I made in a year. My ex-girlfriend called her Princess Donut for short. I just stuck with Donut.
And let me tell you something about cat people. More specifically, cat show people. Actually, never mind. Fuck those guys. All that’s important is Bea and Donut were a part of this whole world I didn’t want anything to do with.
I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.
But tonight, on the coldest night of the year, the furry asshole decided to Lewis and Clark her way out of the apartment.
Donut remained in her spot several paces in front of me, but the chunky cat was swiping at the air in front of herself. She sees it too, I thought. Holy crap. Whatever this was, it was happening to the cat just like it was to me.
Lol the fact that it's also happening to donut is hilarious
So. You just gonna waltz right into something called a “World Dungeon” and you’re not even going to bring a weapon? You’re either braver than you look, or you’re just an idiot. Good luck with that, Van Damme.
The dead goblin remained smeared over the tiles. The corpse looked more like a party-sized sausage and green pepper pizza that had been run over a few times.
“You’re in my world now!” I yelled back at him. “You need to speak my language you weird, green piece of shit.”
The effect of me jumping onto him from high above was like someone smashing a fat jelly donut with a sledgehammer. The little dude didn’t have a chance. Goo spurted out of the goblin from every orifice.
“Your creature crapped in my mother’s ashes,” Mordecai said, shaking his head. “This is so not worth it. Not worth it at all.”
💀
I went to a Blockbuster Video and stole a bunch of James Bond tapes. I was so happy once you guys started digitizing everything.”
New achievement! You’ve inflicted damage on a mob. Hopefully it won’t hit back! Reward: It’s probably going to hit back.
New achievement! You’ve killed an armed mob with your bare fucking hands! Holy crap, dude. That’s kinda fucked up. Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Weapon Box!
New achievement! Boom! You’ve caused a wall-shaking explosion within the dungeon! The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit.
The game show host AI described it using a caveman voice. Toad Cudgel Big stick for bonking. Bonk toad. Bonk mob. Bonk girlfriend and drag back to cave by hair.
Princess Donut has named your party The Royal Court of Princess Donut. Princess Donut has changed your title to Royal Bodyguard. Princess Donut has changed her title to Grand Champion Best in Dungeon.
“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”
It’s a llama, but it’s bad. If he were human, he’d be covered in prison tattoos and would be hanging out in front of the Circle K hitting on 14-year-old girls. They might be willing to sell you something if you have good stuff to trade.
Lootable Corpse. Bad Llama. Level 3. Killed by Crawler Grand Champion Best in Dungeon Princess Donut with an assist by Crawler Royal Bodyguard Carl. Poor Llama skin. Uncooked Llama steaks X2. Baggie of trailer park-grade meth X2.
METH HAHAHA
Scatterer Brood Guardian. Level 4. Cockroaches that have been baptized in rage and Monster Energy drinks.
“No se que esta pasando. Me duele el estómago. No se donde estoy. Por favor, tengo miedo.”
“Lo siento si fui una mala persona,” she said. She closed her eyes as tears streamed down the non-burned side of her face. The woman only had one, misshapen tooth in her mouth. “No quería que mi hija se enfermara. No quiero estar en el infierno. Por favor. Por favor envíame a Jesús.”
A great spell to have if you’re a club kid or trying to bang a vegan.
“Oh, honey, can we discuss what’s going on here?” Donut asked, interrupting the goblin. She waved a paw, indicating the jewelry in the goblin’s face. “Is it like some sort of performance art? Do you wear all that metal because they made you eat your parents?”
“I mean, I guess I can see what you were going for. You have exquisite cheekbones,” Donut said. “But your face looks like an overenthusiastic brillo pad. That other lady shaman down there, she doesn’t have nearly as many things in her face. Though, my word, she does have that unfortunate necklace made of bones, doesn’t she? But we’ll get to her later. So, tell me. Is it a daddy thing?”
But one of these days, one of these days we will wake up, and we will be deeper. That’s what they tell us. Kill the crawlers, get better at killing, and you get to go deeper. And one day, eventually, we will be so deep that crawlers will never come, and we will finally have peace. We will have peace and a place to live and breed and have our little ones run free and not worry about killing for survival.”
Goblin Copper Chopper with attached sidecar. Human-sized. Contraption. Take a junkyard bicycle, add an unreliable steam engine, remove all the bolts holding it together, replace them with chewing gum, and you get the idea. The preferred assault transport of Goblin Bomb Bards, what this contraption lacks in reliability and safety it makes up for in absolutely nothing.
“Oh, sweetie,” said Donut, “as amusing as I would find it to watch Carl here disappoint yet another woman, we’re on a schedule. Banging monster girls is not the narrative we’re going for with this story. Maybe next time.”
“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”
“Were there really babies in there? Like goblin babies?” I asked. “Oh yes, there were a bunch of them. I only saw them for but a moment, but they were quite cute. Some of them were wearing little oversized jackets, like Baby Yoda.
New achievement! War Criminal. You have killed more than 20 non-combatants in a single attack! Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Asshole’s Box!
Enchanted Fae Scale Quadruped Crupper of the Fleet. Boy is that a fucking mouthful. By the gods.
Drinking this adds a single level to the Determine Value skill. Hopefully now you’ll realize all those Magic: The Gathering cards are nothing more than just meaningless pieces of paper, and you should have spent your money on something with actual value, like a treadmill. Or shampoo.
I looked up at the ceiling. Someone had carved their initials in the cheap tile. AMW. I wondered who they were, and when they’d carved it. If they were alive now. This place had no signs, so I couldn’t tell where it had come from. It didn’t feel American, but I wasn’t sure.
“But if we don’t stop them, they’ll hurt somebody else.” I stopped dead in the hallway. I looked at the cat. It was a very un-Donut-like thing to say. But worse, it was the truth.
If this were a prison, you would now be my bitch. Wait… Reward: Bitches don’t get rewards.
“The cheese factor on some of these descriptions is just horrifying,” Donut muttered. “It’s worse than that Knight Rider show you love so much.”
A bigger, redder, WARNING. Remove this item before you jerk off.
New achievement! Bully and a Thief! You’ve stolen property from a fellow crawler who is a lower level than you. What’s next, tough guy? Kicking puppies? Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Asshole’s Box. That one confused me for a moment until I realized I’d gotten it for taking Agatha’s shopping cart.
For this next one, the AI once again used his sexy voice. I cringed. New achievement! This Little Piggy Went to Market! Oh yeah, baby. You have killed more than five opponents during boss battles using your bare feet. You are making daddy very, very happy. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Shoe Box.
“But imagine raising one of those dingoes back from the dead and using it to kill another dingo. And then raising that one too. You’d be like the Lucia Mar kid with her two dogs, but yours will be zombie dogs.” Her eyes got huge. “This is the best spell ever.”
Carl’s Jug O’ Boom Type: Incendiary Tossable Effect: When lit and tossed, results in a small explosion, followed by burning splash damage over a wide area. Flames will burn for 15 seconds per level of attacker’s level of Incendiary Device Handling. Status: Inert until torch is activated. Created by an unstable, pantsless man who talks to a cat, Carl’s Jug O’ Boom takes the bigger-is-better approach when it comes to hobgoblin fire bottles. Burns hotter, bigger, and faster than your normal Molotov Cocktail. The use of a standard torch instead of a cloth wick makes these devices much more stable.
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Even Eris, Goddess of Chaos, doesn’t want anything to do with these crazy assholes.
Who the fuck was Ferdinand anyway? Bea was giving you up, Donut. She was giving you up, trading you in for a younger model. But I didn’t say it. Not out loud. Now was not the time for that conversation. Never was the time for that conversation, not anymore. But especially not now. Not when Bea was fucking dead.
“It smells like that time you tried microwaving Fancy Feast,” Donut said. “I was drunk,” I said. “And you ate that shit right up.”
They’d taken some sort of cosmic octopus creature and combined it with your average, suburban, anti-vax, let-me-talk-to-your-manager mom. At least that was my impression.
I opened the boss box. Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything out loud. I couldn’t help it. I looked up at the ceiling. “Really? Fucking really?”
It was a white pair of boxers covered in little red hearts. “Goddamnit,” I muttered as I examined them.
Reward: You can now tell people you’re more durable than a monkey named Albert.
