Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.

Same donut

New achievement! You’ve inflicted damage on a mob. Hopefully it won’t hit back! Reward: It’s probably going to hit back.

Lol

It also makes you look like a dollar store Batman.

Lol

“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”

Donut is the best

Cats are assholes. I get it. But do you know why people like cats, despite their asshole-ness? It’s because they don’t fucking talk. If they did, and they were all like you, they’d all be extinct because we’d have killed you all by now.”

Harsh

Donut named the one with the facial piercings Rory and the other Lorelai.

lol Gilmore girls!

Goblin Copper Chopper with attached sidecar. Human-sized. Contraption. Take a junkyard bicycle, add an unreliable steam engine, remove all the bolts holding it together, replace them with chewing gum, and you get the idea. The preferred assault transport of Goblin Bomb Bards, what this contraption lacks in reliability and safety it makes up for in absolutely nothing.

“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”

“The light, I think I see the light,” she croaked as I sat back and crossed my arms. Her eyes were clenched shut in mock pain. “This mortal coil is shed.” “Oh, get up,” I said, looking about the room. “Help me loot all this crap.”

Lmfao

“This is just like that scene in season three of Gossip Girl when Chuck and Blair break up over the hotel,” Donut said. I turned to regard the cat on my shoulder, and I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t funny. I’d never watched that damn show. Yet I laughed, and I had a hard time stopping. “No it’s not,” Mordecai said a moment later. “How do you even get that from this?” Zev turned her fish gaze to my cat, then Mordecai. “I can’t believe it. You two have watched Gossip Girl? Nobody on my team has watched anything, except that old show COPS and Judge Judy. We’ve been stuck here for 15 solars with nothing for entertainment but earth-based programs, and I’ve had nobody to talk to about them.” “Oh, Honey,” Donut said, jumping down from my shoulder to sit next to the fish. “I have seen everything. Season five, the car accident?”

Lol gossip girl

“Tell me you’ve watched Riverdale.” Donut gasped. “Nope,” I said, reaching down to scoop the cat up. “You two will talk all night.”

Yes Unfortunately Lol

Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.