Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

It made me irrational...

The goblin looked at me as if I’d just asked her to eat a Twinkie out of my ass.

Donut named the one with the facial piercings Rory and the other Lorelai.

“Did that just happen?” I asked, spinning to see if we truly were alone. We were. “Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”

“And then we kill the chieftain, right?”

It’d be dumb to go in there. Really, really dumb.

Besides, it’d be the ultimate dick move after they’d helped us.

“Yeah, and then we kill the chieft...

“Did you see him? Was there a giant goblin in there?” I asked.

Donut heaved for breath. “Yes. A huge. Ugly. Goblin. My word. I do not like running. He was sitting down, reading a book. Blow it, blow it good.”

I jammed the ...

“There sure were a lot of babies in there, too,” Donut said in that last m...

“You’re not going to break me,” I said. “You might hurt me, or kill me, but you’re not going to break me.”

He did not have any stars by his name, which meant he’d never killed a boss. But he had something else.

Three skulls.

I knew exactly what the skulls were going to indicate even befor...

Crawler Kill...

I suddenly felt v...

I grabbed a cigarette and lit it. It was my second to last one. I took a deep drag.

We stepped inside.

“You’re not going to break me,” I whispered. It’d become a mantra.

It tasted as if I’d taken a drink directly from the diseased asshole of an incontinent skunk.

It was a white pair of boxers covered in little red hearts.

I didn’t need to be stronger than him.

Donut and I were something better.

We were exp...

“Glurp on that, motherfucker,” I said.

You will not break me. Fuck you all. You will not break me.