Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

Me, I didn’t have a choice.

Like I said, it was below freezing. I was outside. And I was wearing boxers, a leather jacket, and a pair of pink Crocs sandals that barely fit me.

I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut.

That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.

I’d been tempted, more than once, to throttle the thing.

But tonight, on the coldest night of the year, the furry asshole decided to Lewis and Clark her way out of the apartment.

I would quickly come to regret, I squeezed my feet into a pair of my ex-girlfriend’s Crocs, pulled a heavy leather jacket on, and I rushed outside to grab the cat.

This whole thing is made of the buildings and cars and people of the world.

The pain in my warming-up legs and feet reminded me that simulation or not, it didn’t matter.

Not when I could hurt.

Congratulations! You’ve earned your first achievement: Crazy Cat Lady.

You have entered the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. Ahh, isn’t that sweet?

I stared at those last words as they faded away.

You are so dead.

I passed Donut, who sat upon the ground, licking her paw and rubbing it against her forehead. After a moment, the cat seemed to sigh and decide to follow.

I didn’t have time to think about the stupidity of the jokes or the fact I was, for the first time, looking upon a group of real, live monsters trying to kill me.

Donut followed, choosing to stay by my side, which was very un-Donut like behavior.

I was immediately reminded of Master Splinter the rat sensei from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I briefly wondered on that. It seemed the aliens, or whatever, knew a whole lot about earth mythology and lore.

I rushed inside just as the murder dozer barreled by, rolling directly over the bloody corpse of their friend. The brakes screamed, but the dozer continued its forward momentum, sliding on the body as it smeared down the hallway.

The two goblins turned and met my eyes as I flipped them both off.

They squealed in rage as I slamm...

Donut jumped up on a high shelf and knocked a vase over. Ash spilled out.

“Mom!” Mordecai cried, running to the shelf, shooing the cat away.

The goblin started to sit up and I threw the pot at him. To my utter astonishment, I clobbered him right in the forehead. He cried out, his hands reaching to grasp the new wound.

What the hell.

jumped off the murder dozer, aiming both feet toward the chest and stomach of the still-recovering goblin.

The effect of me jumping onto him from high above was like someone smashing a fat jelly donut with a sledgehammer. The little dude didn’t have a chance. Goo spurted out of the goblin from every orifice.

“Your creature crapped in my mother’s ashes,” Mordecai said, shaking his head. “This is so not worth it. Not worth it at all.”

Did that mean that conspiracy-spouting asshole on TV with the crazy hair was correct? That humans weren’t unique, but a crop, left to grow unattended until, until… this?

I leaned back in the chair. I’m on an alien television show. Holy shit.

“None of this shit makes sense,”

“But yes, I understand what you’re saying. I’m on an intergalactic game show, and I have to be an obnoxious showoff in order to get eyes on me. And once I do have eyes on me, I might get a loot box with toilet paper in it. Does that about sum it up?”

But there was no respawning.

Dead was dead.

Splat! The moment the cat hit the ground, she was transformed into a wet mess of flesh. She splattered like a hunk of hairy, jellied water.

“Donut!” I cried. “What the hell happened to my cat?”

“It’s quite simple, really,” Donut said. “You need to assist me to this 18th level, so I can exit this hellscape and resume my rightful place as liege. I am assuming this rat creature won’t be able to travel with us,” she lifted her paw and pointed it at me, “so you have been promoted from manservant to bodyguard. Congratulations, Carl.”

And with no additional fanfare, we left the guild and struck out into the dungeon.

Lava. The llama was shooting lava out of its mouth.

It took the literal end of the world to finally give me a full night’s rest.

“Carl! Carl, I don’t like this! Take me from here immediately!” Donut cried. She jumped from my shoulder and started scratching at the door, which would not open. “Carl, open the door this instant!”

“Goddamnit Donut,” I cried as a second cockroach bit me.

“Little one, you really must examine these items before you equip or apply them,” he said.

Lootable Corpse. Crawler Rebecca W. Level 3. Killed by Crawler Frank Q.

Apple Core.

I felt as if I was...

Killed by Crawler...

I wondered how scared she’d been. Only to be killed by a fellow human.

He’d looted her corpse, taking everything, leaving only an apple core.