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I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.
I’d been tempted, more than once, to throttle the thing.
Screw it. It’s not your cat. Let the fucker freeze.
Mrs. Parsons never finished the sentence.
“Oww,” I cried as Donut chomped down on my hand. I dropped the cat, and she bounded forward into the hallway. She stopped about ten paces in, looking around with a confused, startled look on her face.
Donut remained in her spot several paces in front of me, but the chunky cat was swiping at the air in front of herself. She sees it too, I thought. Holy crap. Whatever this was, it was happening to the cat just like it was to me.
Donut followed, choosing to stay by my side, which was very un-Donut like behavior.
“You are! By his left tit, we opened up and I didn’t even notice! I must have slept through the announcement. Nobody tells old Mordecai anything! There used to be a newsletter. It was delivered every few cycles, reliable as can be. But then it just stopped. Budget cuts, I’m guessing. They’re always cutting corners. I thought we weren’t opening for another two years!”
I’d clocked it pretty good, but not that good. It was like I’d just punched a ten-year-old.
The effect of me jumping onto him from high above was like someone smashing a fat jelly donut with a sledgehammer. The little dude didn’t have a chance. Goo spurted out of the goblin from every orifice.
“Your creature crapped in my mother’s ashes,” Mordecai said,
My stats were: Strength: 6 Intelligence: 3 Constitution: 5 Dexterity: 5 Charisma: 4
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New achievement! You’ve inflicted damage on a mob. Hopefully it won’t hit back! Reward: It’s probably going to hit back.
Enchanted Crown of the Sepsis Whore. Who’s a dirty girl? You’re a dirty girl!
Princess Donut has named your party The Royal Court of Princess Donut.
Princess Donut has changed your title to Royal Bodyguard. Princess Donut has changed her title to Grand Champion Best in Dungeon.
“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”
But do you know why people like cats, despite their asshole-ness? It’s because they don’t fucking talk.
“Yeah, anyway, I’m not wearing pants because you decided to jump out the window,”
Bad Llama. Level 3. It’s a llama, but it’s bad. If he were human, he’d be covered in prison tattoos and would be hanging out in front of the Circle K hitting on 14-year-old girls. They might be willing to sell you something if you have good stuff to trade. You won’t want to get hit by their spit.
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Lootable Corpse. Bad Llama. Level 3. Killed by Crawler Grand Champion Best in Dungeon Princess Donut with an assist by Crawler Royal Bodyguard Carl. Poor Llama skin. Uncooked Llama steaks X2. Baggie of trailer park-grade meth X2.
But it seemed the AI—or whatever it was that controlled the game messages—really did have some sort of foot fetish. It was fucking weird.
Luis Sparklefury liked this
get over your human male privilege, and take one for your princess.”
They are surly, smelly, and they never wash their hands.
Talisman of the Slate Butterfly Those who remember and commemorate the sad tale of the Slate Butterfly are given a boon by the fairies of the world. That story even made me cry. Adds +4 to the Light on Your Feet skill. Adds +1 to Intelligence. Winged fairies will no longer be automatically hostile toward you.
Scatterer Brood Guardian. Level 4. Cockroaches that have been baptized in rage and Monster Energy drinks. Like its smaller brethren, the Scatterer Brood Guardian is a giant bug who wants nothing more than to fuck you up. Unlike his little brother, these guys are dangerous.
Donut just looked at me like it was the stupidest question she’d ever been asked.
It smells like that bag you take with you on those days that other guy comes over to the apartment.
Goblin Dynamite. This stuff is especially volatile. It’s so volatile, you probably don’t even need to light the wick to set it off. It’s so volatile, even loud noises might set it off. Keep it in your inventory until you’re ready to use it. Be gentle and don’t squeeze too hard or else you might get the… The AI didn’t speak for a good two seconds. BOOM!
I prayed it wouldn’t blow when it hit the ground.
It blew when it hit the ground.
New achievement! Boss Babe. You have struck a blow against a dungeon boss and caused damage to it. Here’s a fun fact. For crawlers who make it through the tutorial, this achievement is, by far, most often the last achievement they ever receive. Isn’t that interesting? Reward: Let’s wait a few minutes before we decide on whether or not to waste a prize on you.
