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I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.
Congratulations! You’ve earned your first achievement: Crazy Cat Lady.
You’re being fundamentally changed at the cellular level. That’s a lot of effort for someone who’s just going to get eaten by a flytrap on the first floor.”
You’ve caused a wall-shaking explosion within the dungeon! The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit.
A toe ring? A goddamned toe ring? I needed shoes, damnit! Not a toe ring!
I heard everything you said to my manservant,”
“Okay,” Donut said, “here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to walk that way, and if we get attacked by anything, you protect me.”
“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”
Uncooked Llama steaks X2. Baggie of trailer park-grade meth X2.
“No se que esta pasando. Me duele el estómago. No se donde estoy. Por favor, tengo miedo.”
“Lo siento si fui una mala persona,” she said. She closed her eyes as tears streamed down the non-burned side of her face. The woman only had one, misshapen tooth in her mouth. “No quería que mi hija se enfermara. No quiero estar en el infierno. Por favor. Por favor envíame a Jesús.”
like. A great spell to have if you’re a club kid or trying to bang a vegan.
“Yeah, that’s when I thought you were being a pussy.
“He blew up one of your filthy tractors and smeared three of your friends all over the cobblestones,” Donut declared. She pointed daintily south. “They’re in that next neighborhood over if you want to scoop ‘em up.”
The goblin looked at me as if I’d just asked her to eat a Twinkie out of my ass.
“The floor collapses,” she said. “Yes. But it is only you who dies when this happens. For us we go to sleep until the next dungeon opens. We will open our eyes, and it will be the same as it has been. Just another day. But one of these days, one of these days we will wake up, and we will be deeper. That’s what they tell us. Kill the crawlers, get better at killing, and you get to go deeper. And one day, eventually, we will be so deep that crawlers will never come, and we will finally have peace. We will have peace and a place to live and breed and have our little ones run free and not worry
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Goblin Copper Chopper with attached sidecar. Human-sized. Contraption. Take a junkyard bicycle, add an unreliable steam engine, remove all the bolts holding it together, replace them with chewing gum, and you get the idea. The preferred assault transport of Goblin Bomb Bards, what this contraption lacks in reliability and safety it makes up for in absolutely nothing.
“Oh, sweetie,” said Donut, “as amusing as I would find it to watch Carl here disappoint yet another woman, we’re on a schedule. Banging monster girls is not the narrative we’re going for with this story.
“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”
New achievement! War Criminal. You have killed more than 20 non-combatants in a single attack! Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Asshole’s Box!
“How is it you’re James Bond when it comes to strangers, but Miss Beatrice could date three different guys at once, and you had no idea?”
Does it count as cheating when it’s with another woman? There's so many human nuances I don't understand.” “Of course it counts as cheating,” I said. For fuck’s sake. “But you were always watching those videos on your iPad with the two women rolling around and cleaning each other. Would it have been cheating if Miss Beatrice let you watch?”
“I have been grievously injured in battle,” she said. “In saving you, I have made the ultimate sacrifice. I can feel my life fading away, Carl. I’m circling that last bend into the drain. This is the end. I used my claws like you said, and I have perished as a result. Miss Beatrice is going to be most displeased with you.” She coughed twice, two coughs that sounded suspiciously fake. “Tell her I fought bravely. Tell her I fought to the end. Find Ferdinand, tell him I loved him. I loved him ever since I first saw him.”
“Overweight, alcoholic bureaucrat who spends his days making new laws to oppress the poor and his nights drinking and getting pegged.”
Congratulations on that last battle, and congratulations on making it down to the second floor. Odette would love to interview you two, on air, regarding your progress so far.” Donut squealed with pleasure.
the only thing Clurichauns might hoard are Polaroids of their own sisters sitting on the can and questionable business schemes.
Shit-Faced debuff, has a 50% chance to render you Blind for a period of 30 hours, a 5% chance to immediately kill you, and a 45% chance to permanently raise a random stat by two points.
Created by an unstable, pantsless man who talks to a cat,
I wanted to kill them without hurting their fragile little bodies.
The next event scheduled was for noon on the day after the collapse. It read, “Good news, everyone! Little Breannlyne has the chickenpox! Potluck Pox party here at noon. No peanuts. Let’s get that immunity!”
“Carl, what in god’s name are you doing?” “It’s the recipe,”
You have been inflicted with the Taint.
It tasted as if I’d taken a drink directly from the diseased asshole of an incontinent skunk.
“I don’t want to do this without you,” Donut cried. “Carl, I lied before. I won’t be fine on my own. I need you. No, no!”
CARL, YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR CARDIO. YOU ARE MUCH HEAVIER THAN YOU LOOK.
Protective Shell Picture yourself in high school. Now picture all the girls who would never get anywhere near you. It’s kind of like that, but on purpose.
“Other corporations may utilize holos for their training guilds and admins, but Borant prefers a more fins-on approach.”
“Zev, ma’am, whatever the hell I’m supposed to call you so you don’t send a lightning bolt up my ass,
“You’ve been hit on twice now,” Donut said. “Once by a meth-addled goblin shaman and once by Abraham Lincoln’s grandmother.
The recap episode started with a close-up shot of Jack’s purple, veined, and uncircumcised dick, huge on the screen.
