Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

“Is this anything?” is what every comedian says to every other comedian about any new bit.

That comedian, of course, was Andy Kaufman.

The Last Laugh by Phil Berger was the first book completely about the world of stand-up comedy. Lenny was a Dustin Hoffman movie about the life of Lenny Bruce.

Comedians seemed to hurtle through space and time untethered to anything but the sound of a laugh.

I was more than happy to accept being a not-that-funny comedian over any other conceivable option. Without realizing it, of course, this attitude is the exact right way to start out in the world of comedy. Expect nothing. Accept anything.

Anyway, Jimmie Walker’s joke was that it was raining so hard in New York that night he “just saw Superman getting into a cab.”

I still don’t know exactly for sure where jokes come from. I think it’s from some emotional cocktail of boredom, aggression, intense visual acuity and a kind of Silly Putty of the mind that enables you to re-form what you see into what you want it to be.

I was also reprimanded several times for trying to make a part funny that wasn’t supposed to be.

But when I’m in the company of other stand-up comedians I feel like I’m rolling around in a litter of puppies.

The real problem of stand-up, of course, is that you must constantly justify why you are the only one talking while a room full of people sit quietly.

And let me tell you, when you’re on a stage all by yourself under a hot light, with a hot mic, and those laughs are crashing down around you, it’s a strong, pure hit of every addiction you’ve ever wanted.

But for the most part, it was the people who killed themselves to keep coming up with great new material who were able to keep rising through the many levels.

I can personally guarantee you that every comedian you’ve ever seen feels inside that they don’t have as much good material as they really wish they had.

I love hearing a laugh that’s never existed in the world before. Because every laugh is slightly different. Unique even.

But I hope you enjoy taking the ride that has been my life with me through these pages. I’m a little frustrated that if you do laugh at something in here I won’t get to hear it. And that’s why I’ll probably be out at a club in front of an audience somewhere tonight. “Because the guys that need them, really need them.”

“Where’d everybody go?” “They left.”

Women use a lot of cotton balls. A LOT of cotton balls.

I’ve never wanted a cotton ball. Never bought a cotton ball. Never had a cotton ball.

“I could use a cotton ball right now. I could certainly get out of this mess.”

I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it. Think it’s a tumbleweed and go, “This is a dead town, let’s move on.”

The Cotton Ball Syndicate was always one step ahead.

This is what has held the animal kingdom back. You may say, “Then why hasn’t the kangaroo advanced as a species? They’ve got pockets.”

“I have money to buy things. I just can’t get to it.”

Who wouldn’t want to wake up in the morning to a nice big bowl of “Almighty God”? Or New, “Almighty God With Raisins.” And if you don’t like it, you can go to hell.

“You know, if you make one wall of a room a mirror people think you have an entire other room.” She believed this. What kind of an idiot walks up to a mirror and goes, “Hey look, there’s a whole other room in there. There’s a guy in there that looks just like me.”

Next thing you know, there’ll be a roller coaster through the South Bronx. That would be the first roller coaster where the people scream on the flat part of the ride.

The Daily Planet. The newspaper. Largest circulation newspaper in the entire city. They had three reporters.

“I see Clark’s got those red leather socks on again today.”

My mother and father were both orphans. Their attitude was, “You have a room. You have a bed. That’s your ride.”

Adults touch every pocket on their clothes when they’re looking for something. “I thought… for sure… I had… that with me…” When you’re a little kid, somebody asks you if you have something, you just hold both palms straight out. “No, I don’t have it.”

Ask him to double-check, “Are you sure?” They just spread their fingers out wider.

You put a pencil in there. Roll over in the middle of the night. You kill yourself.

Because as adults we understand… Even if you ruin an appetite, there’s another appetite coming right behind it. There’s no danger of running out of appetites.

I can ruin 100 of them. Still have thousands left. Why are we being so careful with each one? I got millions of appetites.

In that getup you want to be in the woods. I spent 99% of my time as a Cub Scout just trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Running back and forth at my bus stop going, “Quit it…!”

“Come on, buddy, let’s go… You get past me, the guy behind me has a spoon. I got the toenail clippers out, so just back off. I’ll clip that pinky toe down to nothing. Take you three weeks to grow it back.”

“Nice, is that the gray medium? Sharp.” I think one killer thing for everybody in gym class was The Rope.

Few jumping jacks, little volleyball, and then North Vietnam POW escape training. “Come on, get up that rope.” “Coach, do I need to practice this? I don’t think I’m ever going to date Rapunzel.”

Six inches between the knot and the floor, that’s your safety zone.

I was reading this article about how to dress for cold weather. And they said that 75% of all body heat is lost through the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.

The best job security is the jobs you do as a kid around the house. You cannot lose that job. No matter how bad you did. I knew my father’s not going to call me in the house, “Listen, son, you’re not really cutting the mustard out there on that lawn.

Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing. Supermarket line, Motor Vehicle Bureau. You hang right in there, solid as a rock.

It was like a ride fragment that somehow chipped off of a real ride. Nobody went “wheee” on these things. It would just kind of grind back and forth for 45 seconds. It felt like a motor from a grain elevator.

“It’s a good thing he was there or I would’ve hit the ground directly. You never jump out of a plane unless you have got a human being strapped underneath you. That’s basic safety.”

“Don’t die… don’t die, don’t die, don’t die… There’s a fish, there’s a rock, who cares? Don’t die… I don’t want to die. Don’t let me die. Let’s swim and breathe and live. Because living is good and dying is bad…” You die, that’s scuba dying. It’s a whole different sport. A lot less equipment.

“Well, I’m completely out of oxygen and look-at-the-time. Now, I’m dead AND I’m late.”

You’re going to need an imaginary line. NO ONE’S ALLOWED TO CROSS IT.”

Because you want your eyes blinking and tearing when you’re walking backwards down a staircase holding a wall unit. That’s the easy way to do it.

“Easy, easy, easy.” It’s not easy. It’s very difficult. You should be saying, “DIFFICULT… DIFFICULT… DIFFICULT… EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. IMPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE. PUT IT DOWN. PUT IT DOWN. PUT IT DOWN. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.”

I think it might be why recreational drugs never interested me growing up. Reality was trippy enough.