Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

Parents Look Like I’m wearing contact lenses now but I wore glasses at the age of 10. I thought I had to get glasses because I couldn’t tell what my parents looked like. I’d ask my mother for money and she’d always say, “What do I look like, a bank?” “Do I look like I’m made of money to you?” The truth is, when you’re a kid your parents are the bank. Where else am I going to get money? Am I going to walk into Chase Manhattan? They’re going to say, “What do I look like, your mother?” “Beat it, four eyes…”

Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing. Supermarket line, Motor Vehicle Bureau. You hang right in there, solid as a rock.

I got a waterproof watch. That’s important. “Well, I’m completely out of oxygen and look-at-the-time. Now, I’m dead AND I’m late.”