Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

Comedians seemed to hurtle through space and time untethered to anything but the sound of a laugh.

But when I’m in the company of other stand-up comedians I feel like I’m rolling around in a litter of puppies.

And why does the pharmacist always have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else?

I love cars. It’s my favorite physical object. I don’t know why I think this. My only theory is, when you’re driving: You’re outside and you’re inside. You’re moving and you’re completely still, all at the same time.

Men love looking at women. We think, “We don’t understand them. We better keep an eye on them.”

I hate when people try not to yawn. Teeth clenched, their cheeks start vibrating, trying to keep their mouth closed. It’s like watching someone get electrocuted.

I don’t understand gambling addiction. I don’t find losing money addictive.

At a regular funeral, there’s still a chance the person could wake up… Not at a cremation. A cremation is like, “That ashtray’s full. This party’s over.”

So then, what does a man want from a woman? A man wants the same thing from a woman that he wants from his underwear. Certain amount of support and a certain amount of freedom.

“Hydrate” is the new annoying word.