Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

I was more than happy to accept being a not-that-funny comedian over any other conceivable option. Without realizing it, of course, this attitude is the exact right way to start out in the world of comedy. Expect nothing. Accept anything.

The real problem of stand-up, of course, is that you must constantly justify why you are the only one talking while a room full of people sit quietly.

I never met a stand-up who wasn’t funny at all. But for the most part, it was the people who killed themselves to keep coming up with great new material who were able to keep rising through the many levels.

Men are not interested in what’s on TV. Men are only interested in what else is on TV.

They’re always showing you how detergents get out bloodstains. Kind of a violent image, isn’t it? I think if you have a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem right now.

Whichever side of marriage you’re on You don’t get what the other people are doing.

First of all, comedians don’t need awards. Awards are for people that are looking for work. We’re not looking for work. If you’re any good as a comedian you’ve got tons of work.

More importantly, your whole career as a comedian is about making fun of pretentious, high-minded, self-congratulatory, BS events like this one. The whole feeling in this room of reverence and honoring is the exact opposite of everything I have wanted my life to be about. I really don’t even want to be up here.

All awards are stupid. Every real estate office has some Five Star President’s Award plaque. Every hotel check-in has some Gold Circle Service thing. Every car salesman is a Platinum Jubilee Winner. And it’s all a big jerk-off. The hotel stinks. The real estate person is stupid. And the only thing the car salesman is good at is ripping you off. Because the awards don’t mean a god damn thing. They’re all stupid.

So then, what does a man want from a woman? A man wants the same thing from a woman that he wants from his underwear. Certain amount of support and a certain amount of freedom.