Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

Skydiving is definitely the scariest thing I’ve done. My question, what exactly is the point of the helmet? Can you “kind of” make it? I think if you jump out of a plane, and that chute doesn’t open, the helmet is now wearing you for protection.

That was his other big advice when we’re moving something. “Easy… easy.” What does that mean? “Easy, easy, easy.” It’s not easy. It’s very difficult. You should be saying, “DIFFICULT… DIFFICULT… DIFFICULT… EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. IMPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE. PUT IT DOWN. PUT IT DOWN. PUT IT DOWN. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.”

The ultimate conversation prop is the cigarette. You cannot win an argument with someone that has a cigarette in their hand. They’re always waving it around. “I’ve got fire right in front of my face. See that? Does that intimidate you in any way?”

Vague Did you ever write a report or a paper in school, and you get it back and the teacher has written “Vague” across a whole page? It’s frustrating. Because “Vague” is kind of a vague thing to say… I would just write “Unclear,” send it back to the teacher. She’d return it to me, “Ambiguous.” We’re still corresponding to this day…

TV Cooking I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera. “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”

Desk Family Pictures Why do people who work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they’re married? Do they say to themselves, “All right. Five o’clock. Time to hit the bars and pick up some hookers. Hold it a second, look at this picture. I’ve got a wife and three kids. Oh my god, I better get home.”

Airport Tuna Sandwich Do the stores in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do they just feel they have their own little country out there, and they can charge anything they want? “You want a tuna sandwich? It’s 28 dollars. If you don’t like it, go back to your own country.”

Hawaii License Plate The other day I saw a car with a Hawaii license plate. Then I went, “Wait a minute, how did that get here?” I went down to the beach, there were tracks coming out of the water.

When people mention weather, I cannot pretend to care. I cannot keep the conversation going. “Can you believe this weather?” “Yes, I can.” “Do you think it’s going to stay like this?” “No—I don’t.” Indoors stays the same. Go there. People can’t believe the weather, these are the same people who can’t believe the time. “Is it 3 o’clock already? I can’t believe it’s 3 o’clock.” “Well, it is. Every day at this time it’s 3 o’clock.” Can’t believe the time. Can’t believe the temperature. Why don’t you hang out in front of the bank sign all day? Every time it changes you can go, “Incredible. Another shocker. Is anybody else seeing this?”

And if I decide I don’t want something, I put it back wherever I am in the supermarket. There’s no rules in the supermarket. It’s us against them. They invented impulse buying. We invented impulse NOT buying. I don’t care if the store manager is looking right at me. “Yeah, those are my peaches on top of the Pennzoil. What about it? I can’t straighten out your whole inventory. I’m busy here reading magazines I’m not going to buy either.”

Just the fact that someone thinks they should be the President is proof that they’re quite mentally off. What kind of person is this? That sits around, “Let’s see, who should be the most powerful person in government? Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces? Leader of the Free World? You know, I’ve got to say… that sounds like me. It sounds like something I would be good at. I really strike myself as the best person there could possibly be for that kind of job.” No, you’re not. You’re sick and deranged. Who could be friends with this person? You’re at a ballgame, “You know, I was thinking about being the most powerful person in the world.” You go, “Uh-huh… I was thinking about getting a hot dog.”

Movie Plot I always get confused in any international, adventure, intrigue type movie. I’m the guy you see after the movie, in the parking lot with his friends going, “Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the beginning? Oooohhh… That’s why after they stole the money he had the fake nose and the beard and then he didn’t, oooohhh…” “Did you enjoy the movie?” “Yes. I’m enjoying it here in the parking lot, but in there I had no idea what was going on.”

Chalk Outline Guy Of the many different jobs there are in police work it seems to me that Chalk Outline Guy is definitely one of the better ones. It’s not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I don’t know who these guys are. Maybe they’re people who wanted to be sketch artists but couldn’t draw too well. “Uh, listen, Johnson, forget the sketches… Do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you at least do that?” I don’t even know how that helps them solve the crime. They look at the thing on the ground, “Oh, his arm was over his head when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must have been… Jim.”

Sneezing Driving The thing that unnerves me most when I’m driving is when I’ve got to sneeze. Because you know you’re going to have to close your eyes for that split second. And I’m afraid when I open them up, things may be different. Like instead of looking at all taillights, it’s all headlights. But there’s nothing you can do. You’ve just got to take that one last look and go, “Don’t anybody move!” “Aaaaahhh…”

Rooting for Laundry Love my team. Even though we know, of course, they’re not really teams. We block that out. We have to. Players go to different teams. Teams move from city to city. The uniform is the only constant. Why am I yelling, “Go, New York, go!” at a guy from East Illinois that’ll be playing in Phoenix next season? That’s sports. The uniform is the only constant. We just want our clothes to beat the clothes from the other city. We’re rooting for laundry. That’s really all sports is. If a player leaves your team, then comes back and plays against your team? The hostility. “Booo… Different shirt.” Exact same human being. “I hate this guy. He’s in a different shirt.”

Gentle Cycle When I do wash I always like to use the gentle cycle. Sounds so much more humane. Or the gentle/gentle cycle. You could put a baby in there. Won’t hurt it. I don’t know what the machine’s doing in there that’s so gentle. But it’s very private. Because you pick up the lid on the machine, it stops immediately. “Would you close that please? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a very delicate cycle?”

Cheating Some people actually cheat on the people that they’re cheating with. Which is like holding up a bank and then turning to the guy you’re robbing it with and going, “All right, now give me everything you have, too.” Why stop at just what’s in the bank?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with yawning. I hate when people try not to yawn. Teeth clenched, their cheeks start vibrating, trying to keep their mouth closed. It’s like watching someone get electrocuted.

The Offensive Brain Why does the brain do that? Why as we try our best throughout the day to act normal and pretend to be not weird, why is your brain always thinking of obnoxious comments that you could make? Rude behaviors, inappropriate actions that would only horrify, disturb and offend. Why? Where do these thoughts come from? “Why not trip this person carrying a large box that can’t quite see where they’re going?” Why does my brain present me with these options? “What if I stood up in this important meeting and made an outrageous sexual overture that would get me instantly fired?” Are you ever in the middle of a conversation with someone and think, “I could probably kill this guy right now. He’d never see it coming. He asked me to hand him a scissor. What if I took that scissor and stabbed him with it?” Why do I have suicide fantasies to go along with my homicide fantasies? I go over to someone’s place that has a terrace or a balcony. I always have to go out on it, look over the edge, and think, “Oh, I could fall right over this thing. Everybody here would freak out.” “Oh my god, he killed himself? I can’t believe it. … I was just about to stab him with a scissor.”

If you go to a great restaurant, they’ve got to tell you the Specials. “Would you like to hear the Specials…?” “No. If they’re so Special, put them on the menu. I’m not interested in food that’s auditioning to get on the team.”

And ladies, this is the thing about men you have to understand, we’re not really ever happy or unhappy. We’re just guys. Men just do what we have to do until someone comes up to us and says, “Hey, come here. I got something else for you to do.” We go, “Okay,” and then we do that.

What is The Finger anyway? Why is this finger “The” Finger? It’s a finger. Basically you pick a finger. Show it to another person. And they’re supposed to feel bad. I don’t. It’s just a finger. (show middle finger) This finger is very bad. (show thumbs up) This finger is very good. So, whenever I get this finger (middle) I try and remember, I’m really only one finger away from a compliment. (thumbs up)

Work Home Plane All humans think that the next place they go is going to be the better one. You’re at work, you want to get home. “Did they say what time we could leave?” You’re home, “I’ve been working all week, I’ve got to get out.” You’re out. It’s late. “I’ve got to get back.” “I’ve got to get up. I’ve got to get to the airport. Got to get on a plane.” Plane takes off. “When are we landing?” You land. “Why don’t they open the door so we can get out?” Nobody wants to be anywhere. Nobody likes anything.

Life Is Too Long We have to fill in the gaps and the blank spots of life. The dead air, the empty, vacant, open time that is so much a part of the human experience. People say life is too short. I think it’s way too long. I don’t know how you feel. To me, it is taking forever to get through this thing. Old people are sitting on cruise ships doing crossword puzzles just trying to finish the damn thing up. People say to me, “Not me, Jerry, I’m jammed, I’m slammed, I’m buried.” Really? Who’s doing all the Facebook posts, bidding on eBay, writing Yelp reviews, renting electric scooters with a GoPro on your head, videoing the whole thing so you can watch it again later? Your life’s barely worth witnessing once. You want to sit through it twice?

People know no one’s going to challenge them when they say, “It is what it is.” No one’s going to go, “I don’t think it is.” “You don’t?” “No. I believe it is what it isn’t.”

if you removed all the people from Earth, that pretty much solves every problem there is. No crime. No war. No garbage. All gone. Maybe that’s the idea behind this coronavirus. Maybe this thing knows what it’s doing.