Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

I still don’t know exactly for sure where jokes come from. I think it’s from some emotional cocktail of boredom, aggression, intense visual acuity and a kind of Silly Putty of the mind that enables you to re-form what you see into what you want it to be.

I have many great friends who are actors, writers and artists of various kinds. But when I’m in the company of other stand-up comedians I feel like I’m rolling around in a litter of puppies.

So these pages are the map of the forty-five-year-long road I’ve been on to become this odd, unusual thing that is the only thing I ever really wanted to be.

I would get so bored I couldn’t pick up my feet. “When can we get out of here?” That’s what happens when you’re a kid. There’s a level of boredom where you cannot support your body weight. My parents would take me to the bank and I would just liquefy. I’d walk in, “Oh, I can’t handle this…” The legs just give out. They’d turn around from the teller’s window and I would be flat on my back in the middle of the floor. Out cold from boredom. How many times did your parents have to say to you, “Would you get up off the floor?” “I can’t. I’m so bored.” They do that scream whisper, “I said, GET UP…” They would grab your arm to try and pick you up, and you would just twirl around the floor like cooked spaghetti.

Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing. Supermarket line, Motor Vehicle Bureau. You hang right in there, solid as a rock.

Because when you’re little, your life is up, the future is up, everything you want is up. “Wait up. Hold up.

Rooting for Laundry Love my team. Even though we know, of course, they’re not really teams. We block that out. We have to. Players go to different teams. Teams move from city to city. The uniform is the only constant. Why am I yelling, “Go, New York, go!” at a guy from East Illinois that’ll be playing in Phoenix next season? That’s sports. The uniform is the only constant. We just want our clothes to beat the clothes from the other city. We’re rooting for laundry. That’s really all sports is. If a player leaves your team, then comes back and plays against your team? The hostility.

“Booo… Different shirt.” Exact same human being. “I hate this guy. He’s in a different shirt.”

The luge is another great Olympic event. It’s on the bobsled run. But there’s no sled. It’s just Bob. I think it’s the only sport I’ve ever seen that if you had people competing in it against their will, it would be basically the same thing.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with yawning. I hate when people try not to yawn. Teeth clenched, their cheeks start vibrating, trying to keep their mouth closed. It’s like watching someone get electrocuted.

Getting out of your head is one of the most important places to visit.

The tuxedo is the world’s most rented clothing. Needed only for quick scams and flimflams. Award shows, casinos, limos, proms, and strip clubs. “I just need to fool a small group of people for a short period of time. I’ll bring it right back.” Even a Halloween costume is purchased outright and kept with pride. A 10-year-old child makes a stronger commitment to being a skeleton than a grown man to being a dignified, mature adult.

Tweeting, of course, was originally invented by birds in trees.

As humans we were so impressed with this form of communication we decided, “Why should birds be the only ones dropping an annoying series of small daily turds upon the earth?

Alcoholic coffee is a popular type drink. How rare is that set of circumstances? Where you need to be whatever the opposite of tired and sober is? “I am getting trashed and alert TO-NIGHT, I’ll tell you that.”

I was supposed to go to the gym today. I did not go. That’s okay. I know most of you didn’t go either. It is not hard to not go to the gym. I think we can say, it is probably the easiest thing in the world to not do.

If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them takes a crap, and the other one’s carrying it for him… Who would you assume is in charge of that society?

Your home is really just a Garbage Processing Center. You buy new things You bring them into your house and you slowly Trashify them over time…

Sucks and Great are the only two ratings people even use anymore. No one’s interested in any other opinion. “Hey, want to go see that new movie? I heard it’s great.”

Hey, you don’t think there’s any possible connection between all of us drinking these giant, insane coffees all day long and then suddenly finding you need a horse sedative to get your eyelids out of your skull, do you?

I’m driving the other day. I move in front of this person. Guy gets all upset. Thinks I cut him off. I did not cut him off. Some people feel like when they buy a car, it comes with all the air in front of the car too. So he gives me The Finger.

People repeat words because it gives them confidence. They can say it with strength. “Business is business.” “Rules are rules.” “A deal’s a deal.” “What’s done is done.” “But when we go in there, as long as we know what’s what and who’s who, then whatever happens, happens, and it is what it is.”

It’s not always me, dopeface. Okay? You need to learn how to talk.” You know that’s what Siri wants to say.

That’s why it’s called an iPhone. It’s half myself, half phone. That’s a complete individual.

Email works for us because the true message of every email is, “Obviously, I could have called you and chose not to. I decided, I only want to hear my half of the conversation. This is what I have to say. I think we’re done here.”

I have millions of comedy friends and I really do love them all. Especially the way they shake their heads all the time like, “How the hell do you even do this?” And of course, we never really do figure it out. The real point of our lives is that we try anyway.