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An unforeseen increase in velocity led to a corresponding decrease in direction-control,
Dr Bairstow said nothing in the way that only he can.
We have two main functions – to record and document major historical events in contemporary time (oh, all right, call it time-travel if you must) and not dying.
Asked once what was the ideal quality in a husband, I’d replied: ‘Absence.’ No one ever asked again.
I’m sorry if it sounds corny and dull, but I don’t think it would be unexciting. And we’ll certainly never be bored because I’ve seen you cook.
He backed away, turned, and before I could stop him strode swiftly towards his rooms. With my mirror. Isaac Newton had stolen my bloody mirror!
He was as bad as us historians. Faced with impending catastrophe, an historian will always pause in the headlong dash to safety and think – Oh, that’s interesting. The Spartans didn’t always tie up their hair, after all.
‘As Joan of Arc probably said: “Build a girl a fire and she’s warm for a few minutes. Set a girl on fire and she’s warm for the rest of her life.”’
Are you saying – was that – did we witness The Big Bang?’ He laughed. ‘Oh, no. No, no, no.’
‘Professor, did we just witness the … re-birth of the universe?’
‘Well done, but not quite right, Max. I don’t think we witnessed it – I think we caused it.’
I clattered off to see Dr Bairstow and get myself back on the active list. Rather surprisingly, he didn’t try to deduct the cost of recreating the universe from my wages.
I spent a lot of time arbitrating between Dr Dowson, our librarian, and Professor Rapson, head of R & D, as they fluctuated between their normal states of armed neutrality, frigid formality, and bull-headed hostility.
I could hear Markham informing Nurse Hunter he had a septic goose bite. ‘Really? Was the goose septic before or after it bit you?’ ‘I think you need to check me out in one of the examination rooms.’ ‘No need. You’re septic, but the bite’s fine.’
‘I’ve seen you fashion a weapon out of two pieces of toilet paper and a paperclip. There’s no way I’m going to be trapped in a small flat with an angry woman who has access to a vacuum cleaner.’
It’s not easy to stand quietly and watch someone die. Because that’s what we do and I wonder about us, sometimes. We were about to witness one of the greatest duels of the Ancient World.
This was Kassandra, daughter of Priam, one of only two people in Troy who warned against bringing the Trojan Horse into the city. And no one listened to her. Her beauty supposedly caused the god Apollo to fall in love with her, and when she spurned his love – which you just don’t do to a god – he cursed her twice. Firstly, with the ability to know the future. And secondly, and most cruelly, that no one would ever believe her.
Theseus of Athens, son of Poseidon himself, was able to foretell earthquakes. And I had heard tales from America – before the borders closed, obviously – of people who claimed to be able to do the same thing. Mind you, that same person also told me that over there they actually pick up the ball and run with it when playing football, and how believable is that?
Again, I can’t look away. She speaks. In English … ‘I see you, Golden-eyed girl. Watcher of time’s brave pageant. Beloved of Kleio. Weep for your dreams For today they die. Your heart will grow cold. And as the leaves fall The golden-eyed girl Will leave this world. Never to return.’
All gods are the same. They’re big on the worshipping and the ceremonies and the imposing buildings, but when you really need them – they’re never there.
‘I don’t think your nose is broken, but you already have a world-class black eye. Can you see? How many fingers am I holding up?’ ‘Seventy-three.’ ‘Close enough. Does it hurt?’
We never spoke directly to each other again in this life. We communicated through com links or third parties. I avoided him if I could. I never forgave him. Whenever he looked at me, his eyes were ice-blue and empty. He never forgave me.
Because, in the end, with my back to the wall, I had chosen my job – as, I think, we both always knew that I would.
Tell me, Max, if you do leave, would you be running from – or running to?’ ‘That’s a very good question, sir. I don’t know. To tell you the truth, I don’t like myself very much at the moment.’
When I mentioned this to Peterson, he laughed and accused me of paranoia. Which is ridiculous because of course I know the whole world isn’t really out to get me. I’m pretty sure Switzerland is neutral.
DNA evidence is quite clear. There was only ever one successful migration out of Africa and every one of us – every single person outside of Africa – is descended from one of the people who made that one crossing. Estimates put the number at around two hundred to two hundred and fifty people. That’s how closely we’re all related. Something we should remember sometimes.
It is important, they told me later, to watch the cheese until it passes you, because cheeses don’t care and often bounce into the crowd, maiming the innocent and those too slow-witted to duck. Once the cheese has gone past, then you switch your attention to the hill and can fully appreciate the carnage occurring there.
‘One to be ready, Two to be steady, Three to prepare, Four to be off!’ The crowd roared encouragement and I woke up in SickBay. What the hell?
‘What the hell …?’ ‘You forgot to duck.’ ‘When?’ ‘Five seconds before a 9lb Double Gloucester smacked you between the eyes would have been the best time.’
Oh – and there’s a T-shirt as well. I’ve chased the cheese. Except for yours. Yours just has a large duck on it. Because you didn’t. Duck, I mean. You do know you’re never, ever going to live this down, don’t you?’ ‘You bastard!’
And that was the moment I took, pinned over my heart and wore like a badge to the end of my days.
‘Come on,’ he said. ‘This is no place for prudent and sensible historians. Or us.’
I bent painfully, placed a canvas on the easel, and stroked it gently, while I waited for it to tell me what it wanted to be.
The first priority is to get you fit and well again. I don’t like women running around the flat with big holes in their chests. It makes the place look untidy.’
