The Shadow Friend

by Alex North

THE SHADOW FRIEND

A little note, Little Red Fishies in my twisted lingo are Red Herrings I talk now & then of my Spidey Web, it’s meant as things getting stuck in my head and signaling off a plethora of guesstimating in my brain, they’re usually red fish, getting stuck in my web I mean, but now & then I start reeling in a shark, don’t worry though, I support catch & release fishing! I guesstimate like a loony, but it’s all in good fun And lastly any Ding ding Dings are the bells going off if I get a guess or plot twist right! And then possibly wrong again, for which I’ll break out the Dong dong Dong And 2nd lastly I’m happy to befriend anyone on goodreads, just msg me, we can never have too many friends!

Because I was her son, and she was going to look after me. ‘It’s going to be okay,’ she said.

I was going to say I could never see my Mum doing that, as we’ve never had that type of relationship. However I can remember when I was little 5 or 6, she went to the school angry at some things that had been done, I can’t remember much about it at all, smacks on the hand with a ruler for something I hadn’t done & emotional abuse. I don’t know what was said, but I can remember how happy I was that she was sticking up for me.

On the day it began, Detective Amanda Beck was technically off work.

Yay! I was hoping she would be a returning character, she was great in The Whisper Man, so I’m looking forward to seeing her character evolve.

She visited the cemetery at least once a week, which meant she saw more of the people lying here than the handful of living friends she had.

I can’t see graves being used much in the future, even now cremation is much favored. My bodies going to whichever university or wherever else that will have me, I’ve had a heck of a life & lots of scars, so hopefully if nothing else I’ll be good learning material!

dealt with the last two years. The box of horrors in her head that would not stay closed. The nightmares she had. The fact that, as it had turned out, she wasn’t the kind of officer he had been, and she wondered whether she ever could be.

You should never try to live up to expectations, to be as someone else would be, we’re all different and that’s what makes us shine, individuality, climbing up our own ladders, pushing our own way through what life throws at us. If we were all the same, how boring life would be.

Where they found him. But it was where they had lost him first. Two years ago,

Oohhh! I think I may of read that book…

If she slipped in front of him now, she would have to fucking kill him to save face.

Heh! See that’s why I like her!

The hospice in which my mother was dying was in the grounds of Gritten Hospital. It seemed a slightly melancholy arrangement to me. On the long drive cross-country, I had wondered why they didn’t go for the hat-trick and install a cemetery and a conveyer belt while they were at it.

My Dad was head orderly at a hospital we both worked at, so he knew all the funeral directors etc etc and told me he had picked out the one he wanted for himself, but when he did die he was living somewhere else, gee that sounds weird & a 1/2 but it’s accurate in both ways!

I lit a cigarette and sat for a moment.

Taking a stab in the dark here, but is this Karen? Btw I never read ahead then cheat, if I’m wrong, I’m wrong, something my Mum would love to tell you!

‘That’s me.’

Dead wrong, Anyone see a pattern forming? Dead wrong, stab in the dark, let’s see if I can do a hat trick too!

But what will happen over the next few days is that she’ll sleep more often, for more prolonged periods of time. And then eventually, she’ll …’ ‘Not wake up?’ ‘That’s right. Just pass away peacefully.’ I nodded. That sounded like a good death.

God, that sounds like my flipping Mother, not dead, but what she says about dying, she’s got some tissue paper wrapped up vision of drifting off peacefully, and she’s going to get one hell of a rude awakening come time for her to go! She says stuff like ‘it was over quickly’ and my personal favorite ‘at least they aren’t in pain anymore’. Some of that may be correct, but take it from me whose nearly died 4 times, we all want MORE, every single living creature on this earth wants one more second, one more moment, one last breath, anything, this life goes at light speed & so so much quicker than you can ever imagine, so grab hold with both hands and put your foot down, if it’s only one life, then make it as hard, high & happy as you can

‘You’re free to sit with her, of course.’ Sally finished her examination and straightened up. ‘But it’s probably best not to disturb her.’ ‘I won’t.’ ‘There’s water on the table if she wakes and wants it.’ She pointed to the bed rail. ‘And if there are any problems, there’s a call button there.’ ‘Thank you,’ I said. She closed the door behind her as she left. And then silence.

I never got to speak with my Dad before he died, in fact I wasn’t able to have any time with him alone either and it all came as a shock that I don’t think I will ever get over, grief & pissed off shouldn’t be in the same train of thought, but sadly it says it perfectly. No one will ever read this note, but in the chance of anyone actually looking at it, don’t waste the chance to spend time with people, it’s a missed opportunity to enrich both of your lives that you can never have again.

The school was much bigger and more intimidating than I recalled.

I can’t be even close to be the only person who would love to see their old house, school, workplace etc and I’m betting it would come across as wrong, odd, strange, to all of us, and frankly something’s are best left unseen, the past should stay there for lots of things for lots of reasons

The quickest route from the hospice to the village would have taken me along that same road outside the school. I went a different way. I wanted to avoid any contact with the awful things from my past for as long as I could.

Heh, when I bought my home I didn’t even think about the fact it’s a short 5 to 10 mins walk to my old high school which in retrospect is far too close for my liking.

Its spiderweb of quiet, desolate streets

The webs happy now, its debut is in print and the the little red fishies are not, I think the last ones the best as far as it’s concerned. Oh and if anyone finds me talking about myself in 3 different perspectives, it’s ok, I’m still sane(ish)

At that, I pictured my mother – her body diminished, her faculties failing her, shuffling awkwardly about in a world that was closing in around her – and a wave of guilt hit me. You shouldn’t be here. Despite everything, I should have been.

It wouldn’t of been possible, but I feel that with my Dad, death & guilt is an impossible pill to swallow, it makes itself at home, just off track from everything else & waits, ready to slam you to the wall or drop you to the floor the second it feels it’s tethers loosen, no escaping it, no box big enough to fully contain it. It just is

Mr Goodbold

What an odd name

together. It didn’t feel like an accident to me, but I also wasn’t quite sure how it happened; none of us seemed to seek each other out, and yet somehow we found ourselves walking side by side. It felt like, even then, there was already a design to what happened.

This, this epitomizes the authors books, the thin veil between 2 books, 2 stories, 2 worlds, where the impossible and the not trace a line on the ground between them, a line that could get blurred away by even just an angry breath, and the fear of what could happen if the two were ever to meet.

nobody found the body for ages. So the dog – almost apologetically – was forced to eat the corpse.

Heard that in the past and can remember thinking that if my cats only choice was starve or eat me, go ahead my darling, it can’t hurt me. Now days it’s just me, my blackbirds, a massive horde of sparrows, little monsters they are, and the Tuis, 1 pair and they’re beautiful. Still can’t believe they, well usually he, comes here, very rare for them to do so.

‘Yeah, but those are the best kind of stories, right? I like ones that take you by surprise.’ ‘Me too.’

Absofrickenlutely (Absolutely)

family was poor, and books were a cheap form of escapism,

Really? Have you seen the price of books these days!?! Even ebooks sometimes, $20+ for an ebook is ludicrous and I don’t buy them on principle.

we’d use the old stubs of chalk to write song lyrics on the blackboard at the front. Nirvana. Pearl Jam. Faith No More.

Soundgarden & The Cult

Billy was slouched in an armchair, reading one of the guns and ammo magazines he was obsessed with.

Ohhh no no no no … both the spidey web & the little red fishies are cringing at that, and m three! Bullied kids obsessed with guns is like ……

‘I never remember my dreams,’ James said. ‘Most people can’t.’

I have very vivid dreams of the same places and remember them quite frequently, not the entire thing, but enough to know what it was about or what happened, the fact a great majority of them are odd redreams, as in the same dreams and I realize they are while dreaming & after. Pity none of them are really good ones, nor really bad, but you’d think just one dream I could be a gorgeous model winning lotto while my equally gorgeous man served me cocktails! TMI? ;)

‘Making notes on what I’ve discovered. Once you start doing that, you begin to notice the same dreams crop up, time and time again. The same themes. The same places. The same people.’ ‘And so what?’

Tick

It was more like an event being described from two different perspectives.

You don’t say ;)

‘I would have got in touch, but well … you know.’ Yes. I remembered how things had ended between us. ‘I know that too,’ I said. She smiled sadly. There was a moment of silence, and then she looked at her glass and rubbed her fingertip slowly around the rim.

I can equate this to an old best friend, except she was much crueler.

‘Too many bad memories here.’ ‘I get that.’ She was silent for a moment. ‘But some good ones too, right?’ She risked a smile, and despite myself I returned it. It was difficult to think of it like that, but yes, there were good memories here too. Moments that, looking back on them objectively, had been filled with light. The problem was that what happened later cast such a shadow, they were hard to see.

Well, there you go, starting to sound more like mine

And I felt that warm feeling in my chest again as I watched her walk to the door. A small light in the shadows. It was like a candle flame that I wanted to cup with my hands, blow on gently, and bring to brighter life. But, of course, there was always a danger when you did that. Always a risk you would make it go out instead.

Yep, and as with everything else I can relate to this… Don’t go around digging in the dark, you may not like what you uncover and it may not go quietly back down.

It occurred to me that, when my mother died, I would be all that was left of a family I hadn’t known, and for a moment all my adult confidence evaporated, and I was left feeling lost and unmoored.

I’ll just start saying ditto from here I think, so Ditto

There was one of me on the driveway, maybe about three or four years old,

Dittp

photographs:

Ditto

When I thought of my mother,

The whole sentence, yes, it took me a long time to realize this fact and it still doesn’t account for everything, but it pulls the curtains back a little so you get a peek of movement and want to see more, just know that doing so may make you feel you undervalued everything and are due a little guilt for that.

Before

Surprisingly (not) while I was off doing other things, I was thinking about the book, and I’m wondering if the fact one of them vanishes is because he couldn’t handle failure so he took off so it looked like he jumped realities, one excuse for vanishing I guess.

With me, there was none of the disappointment there had been with Billy. He moved on.

The little red fishies are wanting to console the poor 2 kids this Ahole is tormenting in the name of friendship, it’s not noticeable until you first see it, then you can’t retract from it. Unfortunately people like Charlie get their validation from belittling others, however this type of bully is more insidious and potentially damaging than a typical bully as they gain your trust, become your friend, say all the right things, at the start, but then slowly, like thunderclouds on the horizon, they darken the sky & before you know it, there’s no light, no air and your floundering in disbelief, the person was your friend, they wouldn’t hurt you, so if they say something it must be justified, to help, very much like an abusive partner and you find yourself changing, willfully or not.

Presumably, Michael had been expecting more of the friendship and companionship he’d been looking for all his life and thought he’d now found. But this time his two supposed friends had brought their knives and dream diaries with them. Killing Michael had been their intention from the very beginning.

Relate wouldn’t be a strong enough term. This goes back to the last note too, people pretending to be one thing when they never were at all and never understanding the damage, the hurt and the pain they caused.

Crabtree’s disappearance

Teenagers were not rational, was the point, and the world was not always kind to them.

Oh isn’t that the truth! I have a running suspicion that in the teens, we’re all minor, or some major, league sociopaths, up to then many kids find themselves loved and treated as special etc, then suddenly we hit 12 or 13 and get one hell of a rude awakening, we’re not that special after all and there’s lots of ways where reality would get a kick out of showing us this, in BOLD PRINT.

‘Charlie Crabtree?’ ‘Yes. Do you think he’s still alive?’ Amanda considered that.

The little red fishies want to add another plot switch, maybe going to scary places the boys or just Charlie might of been watched and the ‘disappearance’ may of been more abduction and/or murder than just going incognito, the webs saying that’s silly, but I dunno, there’s a lot of weird people out there… Oh and if he IS alive, maybe he’s back in town for a ‘reunion’ and he vanished as a kid, he’s now an adult, he could walk right past people and they wouldn’t know it was him.

It was sealed with parcel tape, and I used one of my keys to cut it open along the seam.

I’m positive that the overall lead character in the prior book did that, in fact even written the same way, I know it’s not an uncommon thing to do, but I use to do it at work too. Great minds I guess, and no I don’t mean the author, I’m nowhere near his caliber! I’m referring to the spidey web & my little red ones ;)

And then – finally – something snapped inside me, as though a tendon in my mind had given way beneath a sudden strain, and the emotion came tumbling out, angry and sickening. I hate you. I fucking hate you.

I know the feeling, the worst thing is to know they just didn’t care, your life was altered forever more and it was just another day for them, in fact I think that more than anything rubs against the grain, but not too much hatred, keep it boxed up and locked unless for special occasions, hatred can turn you into someone who’s rotting from the inside out.

red hands flickered at the edges of my vision.

We don’t really think about how our words & actions can affect our parents, well, we do, but we don’t, if that makes sense. If we do something that we know will upset them, we know they’ll be upset, but we don’t dive any deeper, really look at it from their point of view. Maybe if we did it could be a better life for us all.

Copycat killings.

The web wants me to say, “no no no” not copycat, I think you’ll find Charlie is a leading man in this little horror show…

Why did you keep all this, Mum?

Because she either knew something, or was act like any good parent, she knew something was wrong and had to dig to find out, her own child had been drawn into it, how could she not?!

If the police couldn’t find Charlie a quarter of a century ago, what were a bunch of online amateurs going to achieve now?

The author no doubt knows this, and it was phrased differently for the book, but some online detectives like these have had awesome success with cold cases, or any for that matter.

‘I’ll miss you so much,’ she said. ‘But I’m happy for you. I want you to go out and do great things. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. For you to get away from this place, and everything that happened here. I want to throw you as far as possible, so you can grow big and strong somewhere better. So you can have a good life. I don’t care if you ever think about me at all. I’ll think about you instead.’

What I would give to have this said to me, honest spoken love

‘There’s something I need to tell you,’ she said.

I’ve never had a real honest conversation with my Mum, I’m too scared of how she would react, would she hate me? Forgive me? Be Repulsed? Would she even believe me? I just don’t know and I’m just letting it go, I used to think when she was dying, we could have the time to just put it all out there, but how could I upset her when she was that near to death. I’ll probably just let it go and along with it will go all of all the answers to the questions I have, maybe it’s fitting and a last small comfort. Although when she’s gone, there will be no need to keep everything hidden, I can speak to other family members or sell the story to one of those magazines that pay for reader content.

a multitude of tiny green and red LED lights blinked out like spiders’ eyes.

There you go my dear Spidey, highlights just for you, as in text as in lights

But, of course, Billy Roberts had been little more than a child himself at the time of the murder. And she had to believe that people could change.

Makes you question things doesn’t it, was it bad enough that no redemption was possible? Or were they still children themselves? Scared? Abused? Confused? And the act itself when looked at, while violent & foul, hold the possibility of true repentance over time?

These websleuths – I mean, that’s literally what they call themselves – they’re poring over every little detail, trying to figure out how Charlie disappeared.’ ‘People like a good mystery,’ Jenny said. ‘But nobody’s ever going to solve it.

Don’t knock a savvy web detective, some are better than you’d think