Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode--and into a Life of Connection and Joy

by Aundi Kolber

I promise not to see my body as something separate from me. As a commodity. As something that must earn approval to be loved. Just as I am the beloved, so is my body. Just as my psyche deserves compassionate attention, so does my body. My body is me.[1]

learning to embrace our entire selves is not just a spiritual or mental endeavor—it is also an incarnational one. We must come home to ourselves.

We always pay a price when we try to live disembodied lives. The grief, anxiety, fear, or heartache we won’t let ourselves feel will come out in other ways.

we were looking for an exclusively spiritual answer to a largely psychological and physiological problem.

I assumed that my chronic pain, severe anxiety, and sense of deep aloneness were signs that God was angry with me or even punishing me. I see now that I was simply trying to hyperfunction as a member of a highly dysfunctional family.

we participate with God as we pay compassionate attention to ourselves.

Our bodies matter. Our bodies are telling stories about our joy and our pain. And we are created to listen to their narratives.

When we cut ourselves off from our bodies’ sensations and act as if they didn’t matter, the implications for our mental health are dire.

the same neural cells that make up the brain also help form the rest of our bodies.

Exteroception describes awareness of and interaction with sensory experiences outside our bodies.

Proprioception refers to an awareness of the orientation of our bodies without having to consciously think about it.

Interoception relates to awareness of our internal states.

our age-old understanding of mind over matter is flawed. There is no distinction between mind and matter; there is only us.

Try-Softer Affirmations I have choices. I can set boundaries. It’s okay to disappoint people. I am capable. I am loved no matter what. I am valuable. I can ask for support. It’s okay to need help. My emotions give me information. My body supports me. My body gives me information. I am responsible for only myself. It’s okay to take care of myself. This emotion is temporary. I am beloved.

Another benefit of mindfulness is that it gives us the ability to observe something in a nonjudgmental way, allowing us to honor our suffering without getting stuck in the emotion.

When we practice self-compassion, we extend the same kindness to ourselves that we might lend to a stranger, a friend, or a loved one. Instead of thinking we deserve harsher treatment than others, we give ourselves grace.

Every person struggles in some measure with the internal voice that tells them they are not who God calls them to be. And yet again and again He lovingly meets us and reminds us that we are the very ones He came for.

Surrender is a tricky concept to write about, especially for those of us who have felt powerless over our lives. Maybe a well-meaning friend or family member has even told you, Why don’t you just surrender it? Although there’s some wisdom in that sentiment, there is also potential danger. After all, part of what keeps many of us in a pattern of constantly hustling, becoming overwhelmed, and then finding ways to disconnect is the belief that this pattern is the only way to get through life. We think we must control everything. We have experienced environments so threatening that it’s laughable when someone presents what feels like a quick fix of “surrender.” Wouldn’t that just mean giving up?

This is what I mean when I talk about surrender: It’s feeling safe enough to release our grip.

A curious mystery comes from honoring the truth that surrender with gentleness can be its own form of strength.

Try-Softer Language What is the gentlest thing I could do today? What words or affirmations remind me of my true self? I wonder if I could take this in smaller steps? What would help me stay in my WOT? What kind of support do I need to make this happen? Whom could I reach out to if I’m feeling overwhelmed? How could I help my body feel safe right now? What part of myself needs support right now? What activity would be soothing for me when I’m feeling triggered? Is there a way I could move my body to help me feel more connected to myself?

Every sorrow we’ve grieved, every fear we’ve felt, every trauma and all the pain we’ve lived through—it’s all valid, and it all matters. More significantly, the hard things that cracked us open have the potential to create space for deeper joy and resilience.

“I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”[1]

learning to practice a gentler way to be in the world enables us to stay in our WOT. But here’s the other side of that coin: Once we know how to stay in our windows, we can begin to expand them too. We do this by literally exercising our embodied brains.

the stronger our vagal tone, the easier it is for us to connect with and return to our WOT.

Essentially, a healthy vagal tone is the physiological reason behind learning to tolerate (or even enjoy!) experiences that were once overwhelming to our bodies. In a practical sense, this is how our WOT expands. Vagal tone helps us be comfortable with more nuance and recognize that even if something feels intense, it doesn’t necessarily equate to something bad. We can learn to rechannel intense energy into fun or play.

Gradually, what was once too activating or heavy for us may even become a source of delight.

Think about everything you’ve survived in your life. These moments are your Ebenezers—“stones of help” that signify what you have walked through and the ways in which God has been with you and loved you every step of the way. And even though you continue to grow and change, dear one, those stones are yours to keep, reminders of how far you’ve come.

This is simply the truth: We were made with and for compassionate attention.

I pray your soul has felt a calling, a desire to live the embodied life of the beloved.

remember to be gentle with yourself as you grow,

condemnation never leads us onward but instead stunts the process.