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by
Aundi Kolber
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March 18 - June 13, 2023
The work of paying compassionate attention is, in a sense, learning to steward for ourselves what God already believes about us—that we’re valuable and loved. In a way, this work is about giving ourselves permission to receive the love that is available to us. It’s less about “arriving” and more about paying attention to ourselves in the compassionate way we’ve always deserved.
I asked Jesus into my heart at every Billy Graham crusade and Christian basketball camp I attended. I wanted to be sure He knew how much I wanted and needed Him.
Finding Him didn’t take away my pain or the severe dysfunction in my home, but it did plant a seed of deep hope that I clung to with every ounce of strength I had.
Scriptures for Building a Safe Attachment with God “Even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, my love won’t walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart.” The GOD who has compassion on you says so. ISAIAH 54:10, MSG The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. DEUTERONOMY 31:8, NIV Whether or not your parents or caregivers provided you with a secure attachment, the passages above are just a few of the many places in Scripture where God invites you to rest in
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Ephesians 3:14-21 Philippians 1:6 Hebrews 10:23 Hebrews 4:14-16 1 John 3:1
It’s easy to recognize that we all have elements of both sons in us. And just to be clear, I think that is an important part of the story.
Most of us do not expect to experience such grace from God after we’ve failed. We likely expect pain, or punishment, or shame.
God is always on our side, providing comfort in ways that even our closest allies, friends, parents, and therapists cannot.
God Himself is our best resource—the safest, best attachment we could ever have.
And He is the only One who doesn’t need to make repair attempts
You are phenomenally loved by the One who created you, so take heart.
I am here, and it’s okay to need connection.
we often become overwhelmed and act without thinking when our nervous systems have been triggered by real or perceived threats. We call this moving outside our window of tolerance.
Each of us has a WOT, whether we find we are constantly pushing against the edges of it or not.
When we are in our window, the brain stays integrated with the prefrontal cortex, which allows us to pay compassionate attention to ourselves and to try softer. This is where we want to be.
It’s important that we honor our stories, and it’s vital that we understand and have compassion for the biological responses our bodies now have because of those stories. Many of these responses happen whether we want them to or not.
when we understand the physiology of our bodies, we can be empowered to try softer with ourselves. If trying softer means remaining aware and engaged with our bodies, we will ultimately strengthen our ability to stay in our WOT.
we first know ourselves as reflected in the other.”[6]
If we never have the opportunity to practice feeling our emotions in the presence of another person’s more grounded nervous system, our WOT remains very small, and we are more likely to become emotionally dysregulated quickly.
If I tried to understand the pattern, would I feel as if I were just banging my head against the wall, because there was no pattern?
Jesus, who showed us how to fully embrace our finite, beloved humanity, often said no, communicated His preferences, and set limits:
through Jesus, we see that we were also made to become our own selves—to be interdependent, not completely dependent on or avoidant of each other.
We were created to pay attention, a practice that helps keep our brains fully integrated. Learning how to be mindful of the sky, a tiny crack in the sidewalk, or the vibrant color of a flower can serve as a bridge to learning how to tune in to the frequency of our breath or the sensations throughout our entire bodies.
It’s important to consider your WOT as you examine various practices, because just bringing your attention to your body may bring up unpleasant thoughts and emotions, so you may need to work up to that skill in the presence of a safe and skilled clinician.
Taking an observing approach is a good practice. Just like anything that our brain is learning to develop, it can take time to cultivate. Yet it is a skill that can be built, like a muscle. Stick with it.
she sometimes experienced intense, unmanageable emotions that overwhelmed her, making her feel self-absorbed. That led to shame,
the input I seemed to get from others was that I needed less of me. I was too much.
As a coping skill, I had learned to tune in to my surroundings—so extensively that I’d lost touch with my own experiences and had tried to white-knuckle my way through life. This hypersensitivity exhausted my nervous system, often filling me with anxiety, dread, and neck pain. I came to hate this about myself and pushed myself even harder the next time—wondering if maybe I could just get over this part of myself and simply focus on others’ expectations.
It wasn’t that I needed less of me, I learned; it was that I needed to find a way to listen to the truest parts of me.
When we are not paying attention to our inner worlds, we are susceptible to emotional burnout, exhaustion, emotional dysregulation, and chronic pain.[13]
If you are just beginning to step into this mindful, present approach to life, it’s important to know that it’s okay if it feels challenging.
pendulating: first centering her attention on the pink orchid—something tangible that felt soothing or empowering—and then shifting her focus to something that might feel disturbing, such as feelings of rejection in her life now or the tightness in her chest as she thought of that rejection.
Long before I ever knew about mindfulness or emotional regulation, I knew about beauty.
beauty is an invitation and a resource to each of us.
tracking, which is simply learning to intentionally notice your sensations and emotions as they change.[15]
if you notice there is pain in your neck during a tense meeting, or pressure in your chest after hearing about someone’s grief, tracking may help you realize how you can find some relief when you move positions, change your posture, or attend to yourself in some other way.
I realized I had been simply replaying a pattern I had learned as a child. Back then, my home life had been so chaotic that in order to endure the turmoil, I had to be tuned in to my external experience and ignore or dissociate from the sensations in my body.
This—and I can’t stress it enough—isn’t the way you and I are meant to live. And the repercussions are real.
Leaving the self out of Christian spirituality results in a spirituality that is not well grounded in experience. It is, therefore, not well grounded in reality. Focusing on God while failing to know ourselves deeply may produce an external form of piety, but it will always leave a gap between appearance and reality.[16]
Just as I want my kids to internalize my love for them, so God wants us to know our belovedness in the deepest parts of ourselves.
Learning to attune to ourselves is essentially the climax of trying softer—we are aiming to rewire our brains so they receive what they needed when they were young.
It is the work of reparenting ourselves and participating with God’s good design to help us heal and thrive by filling our toolboxes with practices that help us embody the truth that we are loved and valuable, even...
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Because our brains are shaped around what we notice, self-attunement helps us become better and more effective at listening to the heartbeat of our own humanity.
As we do our own internal work, we quite literally develop the capacity to listen to and love others more fully than before.
Jesus commanded each of us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 19:19). In a quite literal way, the ramification of not living in tune with ourselves is that we are less able to connect to the experiences of others.
Doing our own work allows us to feel with others, and it is the framework that allows us to hold space for others.
This is why it matters that leaders, parents, and pastors are aware of their own wounds and do their own emotional work.
to hold ...
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the process of carving out a sense of sacred space for people to experience whatever they need to without ...
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Paradoxically, as we engage in our own deep emotional work, we love each other in the most alive, empathic ways. We do not see the people in front of us as tasks or obligations—they are the imago Dei, and we see and feel with them.
