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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Aundi Kolber
Read between
March 18 - June 13, 2023
Dear reader, there are truly times when the best, healthiest, most productive thing we can do is not to try harder, but rather to try softer: to compassionately listen to our needs so we can move through pain—and ultimately life—with more gentleness and resilience.
there is a difference between pushing ourselves well and hurting ourselves by perpetuating harmful patterns.
Our world overvalues productivity and others’ opinions, so we learn to ignore the messages our bodies are giving us—through our emotions and physical sensations—and
Imagine actually experiencing tenderness toward who you are—not just tolerating or enduring your life, your family, your relationships, your body, and your career, but truly finding ways to love and honor them.
You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for your worthiness. BRENÉ BROWN, Rising Strong
The work of trying softer begins when we release our desire for the quick fix and tend to the wounds underneath the surface. Otherwise, we’re going to stay stuck.
“It takes as long as it takes. It’s okay to be unfinished. It’s absolutely normal to be imperfect. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.”
As we accept the idea that process is part of what it means to be human, we are less intimidated by our unmet goals and are kinder to the wounded parts of ourselves.
we must find ways to validate that our stories are real and—although we may not like parts of them—that they are ours.
the more disconnected we are from our lived experience, the more overwhelmed or numb to our lives we’ll be.
having cohesive stories matters for our emotional wellness.
The stories we weave and the meaning we make from them create templates for how we understand God, life, others, and ourselves.
Learning how to be “with” our stories—in our bodies, without becoming overwhelmed by or numbing our past experiences—is the way we will learn how to actually handle and move through the grief and anxiety that come up. It’s also the way we will learn to write new endings that are true to ourselves.
We “white-knuckle” when we consciously or unconsciously ignore internal warning signs from our minds and bodies to cope with situations that are overwhelming or disturbing. Often we learn to overfunction not out of choice but as a way to survive. This approach then carries over into everyday life because we don’t know a different way.
respect the intensity of your experience and to remember that the in-between is sacred too.
give yourself permission to fully shift out of your story for a bit. For example, pop a mint in your mouth and notice the flavors or the tingling on your tongue. Turn on your favorite song and sing along at the top of your lungs. Or arrange to meet a friend or two for coffee and let yourself receive their warmth.
The truth is that for many of us, embracing our stories is the work of a lifetime. This idea of honoring our lived history is more about an internal posture that keeps us open and curious to the nuances than it is about completing a task.
Our bodies are prophets. They know when things are out of whack and they say so. BARBARA BROWN TAYLOR, An Altar in the World
Each of our lives tells a story, and our bodies were created to give us valuable information as we experience those stories.
When we can lovingly turn toward our pain, expressed in various ways by our bodies, we often begin to find we have choices we couldn’t see before.
Additionally, a lesser-known but equally significant reaction from the sympathetic nervous system is the fawn response. In this state, our bodies attempt to neutralize prolonged danger by pleasing or accommodating others rather than acknowledging our discomfort.[4]
in addition to feeling anxious and overwhelmed, we may be dealing with elements of dissociation.
In essence, my parasympathetic nervous system was trying to help me detach from the parts of my life that were overwhelming.
When we learn the way our environments and relationships shape the stories we hold in our bodies—and that we can find more nurturing, effective ways to care for ourselves as we move through difficulties—it becomes easier to be gentle with pain when it shows up.
If we’ve experienced a history of distress, shame, or overwhelm, we may feel that the sensations in our bodies and thoughts in our minds are simply happening to us instead of having a sense of control over how we respond to our lives and wounds.
Ignoring your body can result in rigid and compulsive behavior because the brain stem is acting from a place of survival without the support of your thinking brain to help regulate it.
In order for you to try softer, you must be aware of what is going on in your body, and the PFC allows you to do just that.
I have learned through counseling to stay connected to my whole brain while also paying attention to the parts that still hurt. In doing this, I can notice when I have a sense of dread, and rather than ignoring, stifling, or shaming myself, I can become compassionate and curious instead.
When we’re anxious, we may have similar responses. Although we may feel that we are solving problems by thinking about them, if we are in fight-or-flight mode, we are not able to connect to the systems of our bodies that allow us to truly problem-solve. We get stuck ruminating on our problems instead.
little t trauma connected to feeling shamed in childhood will likely bring up a visceral experience of feeling significantly younger and worthless, but not necessarily specific smells and pictures.
having caregivers who chronically shame or suppress your emotional experiences results in a type of emotional trauma.
Whether the trauma is big or little, people find great relief when they receive validation that their wounds need care.
I remind myself that my fear is valid but that I do not need to allow it to drive me anymore.
I tried to be perfect, to ignore pain or suppress it until I was alone—living on constant high alert because it felt like the only way to manage the obstacle course of my life.
Even the most loving parents don’t respond to their children perfectly,[4] which is why the concept of repair is vital. A repair occurs when caregivers recognize they’ve misattuned to their children and then figure out a way to reconnect, apologize, or take whatever step is needed. We now know this rupture/repair cycle can develop resilience.
it’s not the wounding that breeds strength but the extent to which safety is reestablished by caregivers after moments of difficulty.[5]
Resilience—or lack thereof—lies squarely in whether caregivers repair any breaches. The sum of these interactions with our caregivers lays the foundation for each ...
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I still had to do my own work, but her willingness to honor my pain has allowed our relationship to grow, even with a difficult history.
When our childhood interactions with our caregivers are healthy—marked by attunement and consistent repair—they pave the way for us to feel safe, to learn how to regulate our emotions, to be willing to try new things, and to develop frameworks for future relationships.
this work doesn’t demand perfection—just humility and awareness.
If at any point during development children experience untrustworthiness, disengagement, or abuse from their caregivers without appropriate repair, their attachment styles may be affected. No longer will these kids feel there is a safe shelter to return to, or a safe base from which to explore the world, and they may begin to adapt by white-knuckling through their experiences and relationships.
The narrative that they must act okay, do it on their own, suppress their emotions, and sacrifice feeling safe just to be loved truly begins to take root.
The children classified as having an anxious-ambivalent attachment style were equally distressed when their mothers left the room. However, these children displayed continued anxiety even with the returned presence of their mothers.
because the children with an anxious-ambivalent attachment didn’t know whether their mothers would remain attentive and attuned to them, they remained anxious over the potential loss of that connection.
My mom couldn’t help but give me the wounds she carried, because she had no idea there was a different way. This is how we all function. Like father, like son; like mother, like daughter. And so on.
Research confirms that we will likely project whatever attachment styles we adopt from our caregivers onto our relationship with God.
Our internal working models can in fact be changed or repaired. When this happens, it’s referred to as earned secure attachment,
our wounds often surface only when at last we feel physically or emotionally safe. Once we are out of survival mode, our bodies, minds, and spirits can finally bear to consider our stories and the reasons we are so emotionally dysregulated.[13]
I could offer this love to myself, too, through paying compassionate attention to my story.
While there is no formulaic way for us to progress toward earned secure attachment with God or others, I can confidently say learning to try softer will help you better determine how to engage the journey.
