Big Summer

by Jennifer Weiner

I was going to eat to nourish myself, I was going to exercise to feel strong and healthy, I was going to let go of the idea of ever being thin, once and for all, and live my life in the body that I had.

She was beautiful, and funny, and glamorous; a long, unfurled ribbon of cool, where I was a sweaty pretzeled knot of striving.

nobody wanted unvarnished pain on their feed, unless it was served up with a side dish of uplift, or some kind of lesson—

“You and I are going to eat healthy while your parents are gone,” she said. “Just wait until they see you when they get back! They’ll be so happy.” That was the first time I’d heard that there was something wrong with how I looked; the first inkling that my body was disappointing or somehow problematic. I knew that I was bigger than other kids, but until then I’d never realized that “big” was a bad thing to be.

“Always leave food on your plate,” Nana said. “Why?” “To show that the food doesn’t have power over you. That you’re in charge, not your appetite.” I’d never thought of my appetite as something separate from me, something that needed to be tamed. “How do I be in charge?” I asked. Nana led me through a push-away and smiled the way she did everything else: thinly. Her lips pressed into an almost invisible line. “Get used to being hungry,” she said. “It won’t kill you, I promise.” She smoothed her pants against her narrow hips. “If you feel hungry, that means you’re winning.”

I wondered if this was what being an adult was: endless denial, requiring limitless willpower.

I think some people just always want more. There’s no such thing as enough.”

As the twig is bent, so is the tree inclined.

I’m not brave all the time. No one is. We’ve all been disappointed; we’ve all had our hearts broken, and we’re all just doing our best. Make sure you have people who love you, the real you, not the Instagram you. If you can’t be brave, pretend to be brave, and if you can’t do that yet, know that you aren’t alone. Everyone you see is struggling. Nobody has it all figured out.