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May 29 - June 4, 2020
When you hear someone invoke their status as a means of convincing you of something, ask yourself, “Why,” and then ask them why that matters.
You’re picking on me. “You’re just picking on me because you don’t like me.” (Kids love this one.) “You’re harassing me.” “You’re doing this because of my race/gender/religion/sexual preference.”
Emphatic Denial “I absolutely did not stop for a drink on my way home!” “Never! I would never do such a thing! How dare you even ask!” “Absolutely not! I did not do that!” “I categorically deny everything you just said.”
Integrity Qualifiers “Honestly, I didn’t see her there.” “In all truthfulness, I’ve never been to that place before.” “Well, to be perfectly honest with you…”
Don’t trust me. “You’re not going to believe this.” “This might sound crazy, but…”
Oh, by the way… “Oh, by the way, the deadline for that report is tomorrow.” “Oh, forgot to mention—I need to take a few days off next week.” “Oh, before you go, can I borrow your car?”
Third Person “Joe Smith is an honest guy.” “Betty Jones would never do that.” “John Davis is not that guy anymore.” When people talk about themselves in the third person, it’s called an illeism. In my experience, this typically signifies two things: That person could be a narcissist. Narcissists tend to talk about themselves in grandiose, overdramatic ways, and referring to themselves in the third person definitely falls under that category of behavior.
Verb Tenses “So, I find this wallet and there’s no money in it.” “This guy walks up and starts punching me.” “I’m walking to school and suddenly the wind blows all of my homework away.”
Why “I” Matters “Love you.” “Going to the store.” “Be home around eight.” People regularly use the word I when talking about themselves. It’s a way of taking ownership of their actions. When a person avoids using I, they may be trying to distance themselves from whatever it is they’re saying.
The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear. —SOCRATES
Each presentation of you sends a different message. You can and should influence your appearance in order to mirror your message. When deciding on your look, ask yourself, “Who is my audience and what am I trying to convey?”
Having a good poker face is not just about sitting emotionless while the other person is talking to you. It’s about masking your true feelings while collecting the details you need. So be attentive and nod politely as a way to encourage them to continue speaking. Make sure that you’re actively listening the whole time and be aware of the signals your face and posture may be revealing. Don’t roll your eyes, clench your jaw, or cross your arms in front of you. These subtle gestures can easily make people close themselves off. Instead, maintain a soft facial expression, hold a relaxed pose, and
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First, it allows you to think before you speak, so that you can carefully pause and choose your words. This in turn makes your speech sound more deliberate and thoughtful. And second, it allows the listener to absorb what you are saying. They aren’t being inundated by you and your random train of thoughts. You are giving them a meaningful, well-curated idea rather than spouting every thought passing through your mind. This means that your message will resonate better. When you say something and leave it there, the listener can take in the gravity of what you have said. But when you keep going,
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Research shows that when a person self-corrects in the middle of a story, it’s more likely to be a sign of truthfulness because liars often think it’s an indication that they’re lying, and therefore they’ll avoid making corrections.
And so when that order gets out of whack, a truthful person wants to correct the detail, while a liar will not.
Again, liars are not going to intentionally burden themselves with trying to remember unnecessary details, such as things that went wrong with their day. So, the more complications a person includes in their story, the more likely they are to be truthful.
“Your words are your most powerful weapon. If you learn how to use your words deliberately and thoughtfully, you will be able to get people to give you what you want. When you communicate effectively with people, they will listen. When they listen, they will comply without the necessity of threat or the use of force. If you go your entire career without ever discharging your gun, then by my account you’ve had a great career.”
To become a dealer of words, you must first understand that the words you choose are not about you. They’re about the person who hears them. Instead of trying to force your listener to see the world through your eyes, try seeing it through theirs. Talk to people in a way that makes sense to them.
Scharff used five interrelated tactics to accomplish this feat: He adopted a friendly approach, by spending time with the POWs at cafés or strolls through the woods. He never directly pressed them for information, but rather allowed their conversations to flow naturally. He spoke with a confidence of “knowing it all,” which lessened the prisoner’s need to remain guarded. He purposely misstated facts to see if the POW would correct him or add new details. He never showed shock or surprise when new pieces of information made their way into the conversation—he always maintained an air of calmness
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At the start of any interview, negotiation, or business meeting I attend, one of the first things I do is turn off my phone. And not only do I turn it off, I make sure the person I’m meeting with sees me turn it off and place it inside my purse. One of the fastest ways to sabotage your rapport with someone is to keep your phone out.
Never in my entire career as a Special Agent did I see any of the presidents—or First Ladies, for that matter—hold a phone in their hand or leave it out on a table while talking to someone. Whether they were negotiating with another world leader, chatting with the coffee shop barista, or asking the White House butler about his weekend, they understood the power of giving whoever they were talking to all of their attention.
Dale Carnegie said, “A person’s name is to that person, the sweetest, most important sound in any language.” And he’s right. Because our name is directly linked to our personal identity, we like hearing it. Researchers looked at how our brains react when we hear our own name, compared to hearing the name of someone else. When our name is called out, regions in our medial frontal cortex and superior temporal cortex—the areas responsible for how we judge ourselves and our personal qualities—are activated, which makes us feel good.
Or when speaking on the phone to a customer service representative who introduces themselves by their first name: “Good morning, Mary, I would like to check on my account.” You may notice that, based on this simple act, the quality of service you receive will be higher than you expect.
“How do I make someone respect me?” Whenever I’m asked this question, my response is always “You can’t.” Respect is not something that can be forced or demanded. It’s a gift. If someone wants to give it to you, they will. And if they don’t, they won’t. That’s it. Yes, your words are your most powerful weapon. But when it comes to commanding respect, sometimes it’s best to hold your silence and simply show the world who you are through what you do.
No matter the reason, it’s important to remember one thing: The respect you seek must start with you.
The measure of your success should not be respect. The measure of your success should be your resolve to carry out your particular purpose or mission in a way that brings you pride and satisfaction. At the end of the day, the person whose opinion matters the most is your own. When you come to this realization, you free yourself from caring so much about what others think of you. You may want someone’s respect, but you don’t need it.
When you’re trying to influence others, the more intimate you can make the setting, the more success you’ll have. Even if the conversation doesn’t feel particularly high stakes for you, it may be for them. People who feel exposed or unsafe are going to either edit what they’re saying or shut down altogether. Conversely, people in private spaces will be more relaxed and open. Offering privacy is a meaningful gesture of respect, and since you’re saving that person the effort of needing to save face in front of a bunch of strangers, the answers they give you are more likely to be expansive and
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The right question is usually more important than the right answer. —PLATO
Open-ended questions are useful for four main reasons: You don’t have to work as hard to get information. In most cases, the other person will offer it willingly. By inviting someone to follow their own train of thought, open-ended questions allow you to see what is really happening within a person’s mind. Open-ended questions give you time to assess and observe someone while they speak, rather than putting the onus of the conversation back on you. Open-ended questions invite someone to tell you a story, and storytelling can offer a wealth of information.
begin by asking an open-ended question, such as “Tell me what you liked about the proposal?”
This helped accomplish four things: 1. I didn’t have to do any guesswork as to what they thought of my proposal. They would describe their favorite parts, what resonated with them, what was important to them, and their vision for the book. All of this information was valuable for me to know before I began to speak. 2. This allowed me to respond to their thoughts and vision, making it possible for me to enter the conversation in a meaningful way rather than blindly trying to figure out where to start my pitch. I didn’t have to spend the meeting wondering which parts they did or didn’t like.
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The best way to ask open-ended questions is by using the acronym TED. This stands for: Tell: “Tell me how your day was.” “Tell me more of your thoughts on this partnership.” Explain: “Explain what happened.” “Explain to me what is important to you and your company.” Describe: “Describe your meeting with your boss.” “Describe your concerns with the situation.”
whenever you start any conversation, it’s best to begin by asking open-ended questions.
You’ll obtain as much information from the onset as possible. You’ll be able to think and process what is being shared. You’ll be able to read the person’s body language and verbal cues while they’re speaking.
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
Building trust actually creates a chemical change in the body. When someone trusts you, a hormone in their body called oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus and interacts with receptors in the amygdala, which are responsible for our bonding behaviors, such as recognizing people socially, creating group memories, and building relationships. It’s also referred to as the love hormone. This is why we are more likely to see the positive qualities in someone that we form an easy connection with rather than their flaws. It’s only later, when that connection is broken, that we
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The word empathy is defined as the ability to emotionally understand another person by assuming their point of view. However, a lot of people think of empathy as being synonymous with weakness. They see an empathetic person as someone who is gullible and easy to manipulate psychologically. In my experience, this is the furthest thing from the truth. Empathy, in fact, is a strength. It utilizes your discernment and powers of observation. By being empathetic, you become a better negotiator, which is why empathy should be your weapon of choice in your arsenal of communication strategies.
One quick distinction: Being empathetic is different than being sympathetic. Empathy is another important part of rapport in making people feel understood: “It sounds like the loss of your mother was really difficult for you.” Sympathy, on the other hand, is sharing in the pain and suffering of another person: “Losing a mother is a really hard thing to go through.”
Because most people just want to feel understood, expressing empathy toward someone can have a cascading effect on that person’s emotions.
there are times when I feel the exact opposite and all I want to do is to point out someone’s flaws, or how distorted their way of thinking is—but I don’t. I hold my tongue, because in the end I know that this type of behavior will only sabotage my efforts to gain influence over them.
“When you show deep empathy towards others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That’s when you can get more creative in solving problems.”
Verbal mirroring is a strategy I use on a daily basis. If a person I’m speaking with tends to use the same word repeatedly, such as cool or awesome, I use those words to create more of a connection. The same is true when I send emails or texts. If I want to establish rapport in writing, I’ll pay attention to how the sender opens and ends their email. If they start with Dear, I’ll start with Dear. If they end with Sincerely or Kind regards, I’ll mirror their response. So much can be lost in written language, since you can’t see the person you’re communicating with, so mirroring small details
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When people monopolize the conversation without adding anything of substance, it’s a sign of insecurity. Don’t be that person. When people ask me how to make their voices heard, the best advice I can give is to have something relevant to say. Are you adding any value? Are you contributing any ideas or thoughts? More important, are you allowing others to speak and share their points of view? Or are you trying to dominate the conversation simply to show everyone how smart you think you are? Sometimes knowing when to shut up is just as important to knowing when to speak up.
That said, one of the most common ways for communication to fall apart is when we get wrapped up in our egos. We make everything about us and fail to look at a situation from another person’s perspective, not taking their values and feelings and circumstances into account. But if you want to communicate well and influence behavior, you need to tap into your humility. Because it’s not always about you. In fact, getting out of your own way is the only way you’re going to get what you want, which brings me to the next strategy…
When people feel that you’re listening to them and taking them seriously, when they feel that you’re empathetic to their struggles and willing to understand them—that is genuine likability. There is value in people liking you, both for them and for you.
One of the things you don’t want to do, however, is try to match a person’s accent. So when my brother-in-law’s midwestern drawl comes out, I wouldn’t want to start throwing in a few “Y’alls” for good measure. Research shows that when we try to match the accent of the person we’re talking to (British, Australian, etc.), it comes across as disingenuous and ruins whatever rapport was previously built.
Let us conduct ourselves so that all men wish to be our friends and all fear to be our enemies. —ALEXANDER THE GREAT
“Thank you for accepting our invitation and agreeing to meet with us. We feel there is a real opportunity here. If you’re open to working together and sharing ideas, I’m positive we can make this partnership extremely lucrative for both our team and yours.” Seems like a really good start to a conversation on top of an already good day, wouldn’t you think? Does Jim have your attention? He should, because his opening lines are packed with priming words. Before reading on for the answers, reread what he said and see if you can pick them out. There are nine.
Accepting, agreeing, opportunity, open, together, sharing, positive, partnership, and team. All these words focus the listener’s attention around three things: Positivity, openness, and a sense of collaboration. In a nutshell, you’re now more open to hearing what Jim has to say and liking the idea of working with him.
The deciding factor to why most people will or will not buy a book is the introduction. A lot of high-level negotiators I know will actually write out their opening lines and practice them with colleagues to make sure they contain enough priming words, ensuring that their delivery comes off naturally.
