Becoming Bulletproof: Protect Yourself, Read People, Influence Situations, and Live Fearlessly

by Evy Poumpouras

Similarly, when you are in motion, you are often at your most vulnerable. Take, for example, walking to your car—from the moment you step out of your home or leave the store to the moment you get into your vehicle, you are exposed.

When you walk out of the store, pause and look in the direction of your vehicle. Did anyone happen to follow you out? Notice who is around you as well as in proximity to your car. Scan the area. If it appears safe, then walk to your vehicle. If not, then go back inside the store or mall. You can wait till the area clears if someone is lurking nearby and you feel uncomfortable. You can also ask security, if that’s an option (most malls have security), to walk you to your car.

As you get closer, look to see if anyone is hiding near your vehicle. Also look at the cars parked next to you. Is anyone sitting in those cars with the motor running? If so, that may be a red flag. Once you reach your car, get in and immediately lock the doors. Don’t sit in your car with the doors unlocked while organizing your things or checking your phone. Get in. Secure yourself. Then do what you want.

Whenever you arrive at any location, finding two ways out is the first thing you should do—and it’s the simplest. Just put your head on a swivel and have your plan in place in case you need to make a hasty exit for any reason. And remember that not every secondary exit needs to be a door—it can be a window as well.

1. Hard Rooms: These are mostly impermeable rooms where you can shelter out of sight. They are made of materials such as wood, steel, or tile that are more likely to stop a bullet. Bathrooms, pantries, or walk-in coolers make great hard rooms. 2. Stairwells: Walk your stairwells. They can be unpredictable in design, not go straight down to the ground floor, zigzag, or break off onto another floor, forcing you to regain entry elsewhere.

1. Restaurants: Whenever my husband and I go out to a restaurant, we usually argue about who gets to sit with their back to the wall. Neither of us wants to sit with our six o’clock unprotected. That’s also why we don’t like to sit in the middle of a restaurant. Having your back exposed and being unable to see behind you is a vulnerability, whereas having your back to the wall means that you can see everything coming toward you. Maybe this makes us slightly more high-maintenance customers, but usually we will do a walk-through of the place, assess the seating options available, and tell the hostess where we want to sit. Doing so means that we can more comfortably enjoy our meal, which makes it worth it.

I’m a huge proponent of treating people with dignity and respect, but when it comes to your safety, don’t be worried about whom you offend. Manners and politeness have zero to do with minimizing risk and vulnerability. Don’t let being nice get in the way of being smart. Start paying attention to that force inside you. Allow your instincts to lead you in life. You can start small to begin honing this ability. Pay attention to your feelings and sentiments around people. Who are you drawn to? Who are you repelled by? What does your gut tell you to do? Whatever feelings you notice, good or bad, believe yourself. Embrace this special gift of your sixth sense and listen to what it is telling you.

The world is full of people who will try to dismiss you, intimidate you, and violate you. And there are those moments in our lives where we must speak up, push back, and fight. These moments, however, should be few and far between. Yes, it takes great courage to fight. But it takes greater courage to know when to walk away. That said, during those times in your life when you decide to stand your ground, do so with conviction. You cannot waver or hold back out of fear. You must fully commit to it, both mentally and physically. Because if you lack conviction, the belief in what you are doing and why you’re doing it, you will lose before the first punch is ever thrown.

But doing so requires a change in your mental makeup. I want you not to fear conflict or confrontation, but to embrace it when you need to. I want you not to take on the role of the victim when a predator enters your life, but rather to become a counter-predator willing to defend yourself against anyone who tries to overpower you. To help you become someone who walks through life with a quiet sense of calm and inner strength.

But here’s the secret: Predators primarily seek out those they perceive as weak. The ones they think will go down easy, who won’t put up a fight. You know why? Because they don’t want a fair fight. They want someone they can conquer. They are looking for an easy target. Don’t give them one.

Predators will assess everything about you, both verbally and nonverbally. If they perceive you as strong and aware of your surroundings, aka a counter-predator, they will move on to someone less likely to fight back. Therefore, when you’re out in the world, present yourself with an air of vigilance and assurance. Walk with your shoulders back and head up. Don’t be afraid to make eye contact with people. Show awareness. And if something doesn’t feel right, don’t neglect it. You dictate what role you want to play in this world.

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to sign up for a martial arts or boxing class—a place where you can not only hit someone, but where someone can hit you back. There’s a huge difference between shadowboxing and boxing for real. Yes, you want to learn how to defend yourself—but you also want to know how you will react in an attack scenario. You want to know what you’re capable of and, more important, what your limitations are.

If you do not expect the unexpected, you will not recognize it when it arrives. —HERACLITUS

To help you get started, here is a list you can use and then customize to meet your individual needs: 1. Cash: In emergency situations, cash is king, especially if there is a power outage rendering your credit card and debit cards useless. Although money may be tight, try putting away what you think you’ll need for a few days. 2. Credit card: Set aside at least one credit card with a zero balance to be used solely for an emergency. This way you have plenty of credit available to use. Recommended Supplies: Flashlight with extra batteries Passports or a photocopy Change of clothing Non-perishable food, such as canned food, power bars, and nuts Bottled water and canteens to fill with water First aid kit Utility knife Cell phone charger Matches/lighter Extra clothes (warm for colder climates) For those things you may not be able to leave stored in your go-bag, such as medication, consider writing them down and pinning the list to the outside of your bag. This way, in an emergency, you don’t have to rely on your memory. Just grab the list, locate the items, and go.

Avoid posting your home:

Try not to advertise the make and model of your car, and never allow your license plates to be shown in photos.

Avoid posting your real date of birth:

Using real answers to security questions is an easy way for both strangers and our “friends” to gain access to our accounts. Consider choosing answers that aren’t easy to guess or verify to ensure you are the only person who has this information.

That’s right—I’d literally copy my textbooks in longhand twice. If that sounds crazy, there’s actually science that supports this method of memory retention. Research shows that the mental encoding process of writing out our notes during a lecture increases both retention and learning.

Most people are good people, and sometimes good people do bad things, or stupid things, or both. We like to put people into categories. Categories are simple and safe—black or white, virtuous or villainous. They save us the effort of looking beyond our own biases and become genuinely curious about someone else. But categories can sabotage our efforts to understand people, by reducing them to two-dimensional stereotypes.

We would rather judge people by who we believe them to be rather than by their actions. Conversely, we like to imagine that one bad action can determine a person’s overall character or humanity. It doesn’t.

Reading people means looking beyond categories and stereotypes. It means seeing people in all of their complexity and contradiction.

I gradually realized that the most effective way of understanding someone was to empathize with them, to learn not only what they had done but why they had done it.

Learn to be silent. Let your quiet mind listen and absorb. —PYTHAGORAS

So we’ve established that people will vary in their mannerisms and behaviors during stressful circumstances or conversations. In order to determine what a person’s stress tells might be, you first need to observe them when they’re calm and collected. You need to figure out who this person is when they’re on cruise control.

This is why casual conversation is important. Before you bring up a heavy topic that may destabilize someone, ask them about their favorite show. Bring up the weather. How their day has been going. Begin with safe topics to help them relax and then pay close attention. Observe how the person is holding themselves when they’re discussing something easy and straightforward. Do they sit up straight, cross their legs, scratch their head? What do they do with their eyes, their mouths, their hands? Track and remember each of their mannerisms before you delve into the more difficult topics, and then look for what changes.

When it comes to the truth, there’s usually much more than meets the eye. While a red flag is important to notice and pay attention to, it may not indicate guilt or dishonesty. It may simply mean that the truth is more complex than a yes or no answer can convey. Reading body language is about becoming an investigator of behavior. The body doesn’t lie. In fact, regardless of a person’s agenda, the body wants to tell the truth. Sometimes, no matter how much a person tries to remain composed and controlled, the body will signal when it’s lying. Professional interrogators call this bleeding information, because information will leak from the body almost like an open wound.

According to Paul Ekman, people often inadvertently display their true emotions through a series of micro-expressions, subtle facial signals lasting less than .5 seconds, which often occur without them even knowing.

But in fact, people tend to make eye contact only 60 percent of the time.

This holds true for adults as well, which is why it’s so important not to ask people to change their behavior when you’re trying to discern the truth. “Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth.” “Turn around and say that to my face.” Any of these sound familiar? If what you’re really after is the truth, the key is to notice the behavior, but not change it. If you’re trying to extract information, why would you want to alter someone’s tell? Plus, it’s a pretty major misconception that people can’t lie when they’re looking directly at you. Personally, I can look you in the eyes all day long and lie, if I need to. So let people be. When you’re reading people, don’t try to change how they’re acting, even if you don’t like it. By interrupting someone’s pattern of behavior, you’re simply teaching them to become a better liar by concealing their tells and making it more difficult for you to assess them accurately.

OH GOD: Some people may look up when exasperated. I call this the Oh God, help me look. Their eyes will roll straight up to the sky as if looking for divine intervention. People may do this when you pursue a topic they don’t want to discuss, particularly when they hit a point of hopelessness or exasperation.

DEER IN HEADLIGHTS: This is that thousand-yard stare you get when someone’s F3 kicks in. More specifically, it’s the Freeze response staring you in the face.

Typically we see only the whites of someone’s eyes to the left and right of the iris (the colored part of the eye). When someone’s F3 kicks in, however, you might see the whites of their eyes above or below the iris as well. There is a Japanese term for this, san pak ku, which means “three whites.” It is brief and can last for just a second but can be a good indicator that a person is under stress.

When we are angry or stressed, we may see a clenching of one’s jaw or the grinding of teeth. When we’re nervous or afraid, we may see the biting down of lips, tightening of the mouth, or twisting the lips to one side. Dry mouth is also a common symptom of nervousness, which can be tipped off by exaggerated swallowing. Another big tell is frequent sighs or yawns. Although the science as to why is not yet fully understood, it appears that we tend to yawn more when under heightened states of stress. This is partially due to the fact that stress causes our body to heat up and so, when our brains feel our internal temperature rise, yawning helps cool things off.

Have you ever had an argument with someone or asked them a serious question and they laughed? You might be quick to get offended and snap back with “Don’t laugh at me” or “This is no laughing matter.” When you do this, however, you’re letting your ego do the talking, which as you now know is not what you want when you’re trying to read people. In many of these instances, they’re not really laughing at you—it’s their F3 response kicking in, looking to release the tension they’re feeling.

Beyond fidgeting, you may see people grooming themselves when their F3 kicks in.

Take an on-screen kissing scene between two actors. If their upper and lower bodies are fully engaged—meaning there’s very little, if any, space between them—it’s likely that they’re both comfortable with the scene and each other. But if you see only their upper bodies pressed together while their feet are positioned much farther apart, perhaps they aren’t fully comfortable, either with the scene itself or the person they’re acting with.

Most people, in fact, will not take the trouble in finding out the truth, but are much more inclined to accept the first story they hear. —THUCYDIDES

You’re so dumb. “That’s a stupid question.” “I already told so-and-so about that.” “Do I have to answer that again?” “You already asked me that.” “You already know the answer.” These are the sorts of things people say to try to shut down a line of inquiry. The person is hoping that by making you feel dumb or criticized for asking a question, you’ll back off and let it go. Instead, you should recognize these avoidance tactics and press for answers.

You should know better. “As I assume you already know…” “You should already be aware…” “You’ve already been told this, but…”

I recently received an email from a producer in which each of her first two paragraphs began with the phrase “As I’m sure you are aware…” The producer then went on to explain several things that I had zero prior knowledge about. Oftentimes, when people begin a conversation with statements such as these, it’s an over-the-top effort to place the onus of having shared knowledge onto the recipient. Simply put, if you don’t already know what I’m telling you, then you’re either stupid or weren’t paying attention. If anyone ever starts communicating with you using these phrases, and what they’re telling you is not something y...

When someone answers a question with a question, it’s typically a stalling tactic while they figure out how to respond. They’re hoping that if they appear confused by the question or act like they didn’t hear it, you’ll ask it again or ask in a different way, giving them a few more precious seconds to think.

I have better things to do. “How long is this going to take?” “I have more important things to do.” “I don’t have time for this.” “Are we done yet?” I’d hear this a lot from guilty suspects who wanted to make me feel like I was wasting their time.

What’s the Big Deal? “Is this really that big a deal?” “I didn’t think it was that important.” “Let’s not make a big thing out of this.” “You’re making this into a bigger issue than it really is.”

Refusing to Commit “That’s pretty much all I know.” “That’s about it.” “I don’t think there’s anything else to say.” “Off the top of my head I can’t think of anything else.” “Nothing else is coming to mind right now.” “I’m pretty sure I told you everything.”

But by saying things such as “pretty sure,” “off the top of my head,” and “that’s about it,” they’re giving themselves an out in case more information comes up later. In that case, they can simply tell you, “Ah, yes, now I remember,” or “I forgot about that until you brought it up.” When someone answers your questions with such vagueness, probe further.

Lying by Omission “I don’t know.” “I can’t recall.” “I forgot.” “I have no idea.”

Divine Intervention “I swear to God.” “I swear on my children.” “I swear on my mother’s grave.” “As God is my witness.”

Catastrophic Event “Professor, I’m sorry I didn’t finish the assignment. My aunt died.” “My grandfather’s house burnt down.” “My dog was hit by a car.”

Don’t you know who I think I am? “I’m a married man. I would never cheat!” “I’m a doctor. I would never risk my profession.” “I’m a CEO. I don’t need to steal.” “I’m a man of faith. I would never betray anyone.”