Reputation

by Sara Shepard

the term brutiful—a mash-up of brutal and beautiful, indicating an experience that was difficult but memorable and came with a certain amount of grace. That’s how I felt: both brutal and beautiful. Thrilled and devastated at the same time.

We loved each other, sure, but marital love is complicated, whereas love between parent and child is pure.

When I’m alone, I don’t need to be anyone I’m not. I don’t need to search for things to say. I don’t need to have to anticipate reactions—or, in the worst-case scenario, be caught off guard by total changes in character.

“People don’t have to run away far to escape their problems,” I say, a lump in my throat. “It’s more about changing who you are. More about inventing a new life.”

I hate how cruel memory can be, hanging on to the things you’d rather forget, dropping those you’re desperate to hold on to.

“People can grow. They can become better versions of themselves. You just have to be bold sometimes; you just have to get up and shake yourself off and be like, Okay, I’m going to do this even though it goes against every ounce of who I think I am. Because I want to try. Or because I think it’s right.”

We are perfection, Patrick and I. We are going to rule this town, be the envy of everyone who lives here. No one will see our cracks. No one would ever imagine what we’re hiding beneath.

respect, envy, a good reputation? It takes a little work—but it’s so, so worth it.

But the message to everyone is the very same thing that was ingrained in me: Do nothing. Say nothing. It doesn’t matter. It was affirming in the most terrible of ways. I don’t want to be part of this club, but here we all are. I admire the bravery of the women who’ve tweeted and Facebook-posted and personal-essayed the truth. And the outpouring of support and unity is staggering.

I grieve the idea of Patrick, but not the actual man—because that guy? I never met him.

Maybe the best reputation is no reputation. Maybe it’s best not to care whatsoever how people see you. Maybe the only thing that really matters is how you see yourself.