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We’re all a lot of where we come from, just as much as we are the people who raised us and who we’ve met along the way.
Charlie twists the gold ring on his finger. A Faust Academy crest of a falcon and crown rest in the center. He never had to tell me, but I know that’s his father’s high school ring.
“If people think that I’m betraying my family, they’re dumber than I thought,” he says. “Which is saying something because I think the human race has a chronic case of idiocy.”
It’s in this moment that it hits me… I’m about to be around Jack Highland a hell of a lot more. There’s no avoiding him. No ignoring him. In fact, I have to schedule a meeting with him. A one-on-one.
My life has always had structure. I’ve known how it’d start, where I’d go, and where I’d end up. That is, until Oscar… My life has never been more jumbled. Confusing. Messy.
I’ve inherited their work ethic, the kind that drives me every day to reach higher. Do more. Be more. But it has consequences.
It’s beginning to be clear that diving into Charlie’s life means I’ve just put myself in the passenger seat to Oscar Oliveira’s.
Then again, Highland loves to wear my clothes. And I’d be a Liar with a capital L if I said I didn’t like him in them.
“Do you ask all your co-workers for a kiss?” he shoots back. I smile, trying not to disintegrate in my seat from this conversation. “Only the cute ones,” I say, popping a chip in my mouth. As smooth as that was, I regret it. Oliveira, stop flirting with the straight boy. Holy fucking shit, I’m hopeless.
She said, you live down the hall from the most obnoxious Cobalt boy. I’ll pass. I thought she meant Charlie, but then she told me, Beckett.
Why am I shipping these 2 together?? Joana and Beckett!
I’m not straight. I can’t be straight with how drawn to him I’ve been. With how aroused I become, and the attraction is too clear to deny or question. Those clouds are gone.
My current office is The Louvre. I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve been here, but I try my best not to take these things for granted.
No matter how many times Charlie comes back to see the Winged Victory of Samothrace, a gorgeous eight-foot marble sculpture of a winged goddess, he still has that same awed reverence in his eyes as the first time I saw him here. It’s a gift not to become jaded by beauty.
I love this apartment for that reason alone. I know what it means to Charlie, and I’m probably the only person outside his family that he’s let use it. He’s told me multiple times, Anytime you want to stay here, Oscar, it’s yours. We don’t have a buddy-guard relationship, but there is a level of respect and kindness that exists between us.
No one really knows Charlie but Charlie, and probably his twin brother and father. But I have one of the best windows into his life. He’s enigmatic and alluring to the world, but what they don’t realize is that he’s just as destructive as his brothers.
“Then I made the right decision with this show. Aunt Lily always says she can predict love, but she has nothing on me.”
“L’enfer est vide et tous les diables sont ici.” Hell is empty and all the devils are here. I recognize the Shakespeare quote. The Tempest.
“Estou morrendo de saudade.” I’m dying of saudade.
I love that they didn't translate saudade <3
There is no direct translation of “saudade” into English. To me, it’s always been a nostalgic longing for a love that’s missed and gone. When I left for college and missed my brother and sister, sometimes I’d call them and groan out, Quero que você mate minha saudade.
“Why 0502? Don’t you usually go for 1118 in passwords?” 11/18 is my birthday. November 18th. May 2nd is Oscar’s birthday.
“I like you so fucking much that the idea of losing what we have makes me sick. I don’t want to shut the door on possibly the greatest opportunity of my life, and it’s right here—it’s you.”
I never considered being in love, falling in love, finding love a sky-high opportunity that I should chase. But I guess I just never found someone worth chasing.
Bad timing—I have a feeling Oscar and I might be magnetically attached to it.
His smile is going to ruin me. Frat bro.
The motto of São Paulo is inscribed in Latin across my collarbone. I am not led, I lead.
“And if anyone gives you hell for it in your lifetime or invalidates your feelings because they knew their sexuality for longer—don’t listen to them. They can’t tell you who you are. The fact that they’re trying to says more about them than about you.”
“You’re killing me, Os.” Os? I sit up off Jack in a jolt. He has another hand on his head, face frozen in too many emotions. “I, uh…sorry.” He straightens up too, breath knotted. “It just came out.” He tries to smile. “You don’t like nicknames?” I love them. I’d give him a hundred corny, sappy nicknames if I could. But I listen to the signs that read: Danger! Warning! Going too fucking far, Oliveira!
Jack holds my gaze. “When I talk to people, I love making them feel good, but with you…I never wanted it to stop. I wanted to come back for more, even when my work said, focus on your subject. I just wished that my subject was you.”
“I’m not planning out my future anymore. I’m just going to see where the ride takes me.” He makes a wave motion with his hand. I laugh weakly. “How California of you.” He smiles. “It is my favorite place on Earth.” “The longer you’re with me, the more likely that’ll change to Philly.”
Effortless beauty and grace with the ferocity of a lion. Charlie read that review to me after Beckett’s first season as a principal dancer. He smiled at his twin brother’s success, and no matter how many hundred times I’m here seeing Beckett jump and twirl, I think of that quote.
“Basta ikaw,” I say in Tagalog and translate casually, “as long as I’m with you, because it’s you.” I swig my beer. “Baseball isn’t so bad in your company.”
“I promise. It’s Oscar and Jack take on Philly, New York, California, the world—you and me, Long Beach.”
“You kissed me back,” he says in a smile, as if that’d even be a doubt. “So we can officially say that we’re dating, right?” I’m so fucking happy. “Come on, dude,” he breathes, his eyes sparkling with the light that I feel illuminate inside me. “Oh yeah, I’m dating the hell out of you.”
“I’m trained for this. I’m going to protect you the absolute best I can.” I’m in for the long-haul, Highland.
I’m dating Jack Highland. I’m with Jack Highland. Every phrase in every dictionary that means, he’s it for me.
“The brightest light shining during the darkest hour,” I smile. “That’s pretty good.” “I’m only doing my best work with you, Long Beach.” I smile, but my lips fall gradually. “What happens when the light dims? You’ll still be interested then?” “Oh yeah.” Oscar nods. “I’m every star circling around you. You need a spark, I’m there.” He says it like a promise.
I hope in time Charlie can find someone who won’t manipulate their way into his life. But today is not that day.
A Secret about Charlie Cobalt: He told me that he’s the one who introduced Beckett to cocaine, and he’s regretted it ever since.
“Tell me a secret that you’ve never told anyone else.” We have a short window of time. Joana is at the door, but I take advantage of every single second. Holding his waist, I lean in and whisper, “Estou apaixonado por voçê.” I translate, “I’m in love with you.”
Tom raises a hand. “Question, Kinney-witchy-boo.”
fucking cute nickname
Do I regret this? I’m a smart guy. Even drunk, I’m not going to do something I don’t want. Deep down, I love Jack, and I can’t imagine running to the courthouse to get it annulled. The thought causes my stomach to twist in tight, unthreadable knots.
“I want this!” Quinn points at the ground. “I want to defend people. Protect people. To be a force of good. You know why I go off comms like Farrow? Why I replicate his style of bodyguarding? Because he needs no one. Not any of the team. He can rely on himself, and that’s all I’ve ever fucking wanted.”
Working on the pilot to Born into Fame gave me the biggest opportunity of my life. I found love. Not just momentary love that passes like the seasons. I found love that lasts even when the screen fades to black.
In the garden, I watch Charlie study the chess board. It’s those soft moments people don’t see. The ones I cherish from Charlie. It’s why I trust he’ll find his way.
I’m not even that mad about it. Honestly, I love playing chess against Charlie. He’s the only person who’s ever been able to beat me.
The young ballerina quickly rises to her feet. We’re close enough to see embarrassment shade her face. Hurrying, she continues the dance like nothing happened. She looks shorter than the girls next to her. Charlie careens back to whisper to us, “Who is that?” To free my hands, I bite onto the cookie I’m eating and flip through the program. Oscar is checking NDAs for her name on his cellphone. Since Beckett works here, the dancers have had background security checks. Oscar finds her first. He leans forward and whispers, “Roxanne Ruiz. She’s eighteen.”
