Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life

by Nir Eyal

Kids need sleep. There is little justification for having a television or other potential distractions in a kid’s room overnight. Make sure nothing gets in the way of them getting good rest.

Don’t be the unwanted external trigger. Respect their time and don’t interrupt them when they have scheduled time to focus on something, be that work or play.

Chapter 33 Teach Them to Make Their Own Pacts

It’s only when kids can monitor their own behavior that they learn the skills they need to be indistractable—even when their parents aren’t around.

If there is one lesson to take away from this section, and perhaps this entire book, it’s that distraction is a problem like any other. Whether in a large corporation or in a small family, when we discuss our problems openly and in an environment where we feel safe and supported, we can resolve them together.

Don’t underestimate your child’s ability to precommit and follow through. Even young children can learn to use precommitments as long as they set the rules and know how to use a timer or some other binding system.

Consumer skepticism is healthy. Understanding that companies are motivated to keep kids spending time watching or playing is an important part of teaching media literacy.

Put the kids in charge. It’s only when kids practice monitoring their own behavior that they learn how to manage their own time and attention.

Part 7 How to Have Indistractable Relationships

Chapter 34 Spread Social Antibodies Among Friends

Distraction in social situations can keep us from being fully present with important people in our lives. Interruptions degrade our ability to form close social bonds.

Block the spread of unhealthy behaviors. “Social antibodies” are ways groups protect themselves from harmful behaviors by making them taboo.

Develop new social norms. We can tackle distraction among friends the same way we beat social smoking, by making it unacceptable to use devices in social situations. Prepare a few tactful phrases—like asking, “Is everything OK?”—to discourage phone usage among friends.

Chapter 35 Be an Indistractable Lover

“Being indistractable means striving to do what you say you will do.” To strive means “to struggle or fight vigorously.

Distraction can be an impediment in our most intimate relationships. Instant digital connectivity can come at the expense of being fully present with those beside us. • Indistractable partners reclaim time for togetherness. Following the four steps to becoming indistractable can ensure you make time for your partner. • Now it’s your turn to become indistractable.

Chapter Takeaways INTRODUCTION • Chapter 1: Living the life you want requires not only doing the right things but also avoiding doing the wrong things. • Chapter 2: Traction moves you toward what you really want while distraction moves you further away. Being indistractable means striving to do what you say you will do.

PART 1: MASTER INTERNAL TRIGGERS • Chapter 3: Motivation is a desire to escape discomfort. Find the root causes of distraction rather than proximate ones. • Chapter 4: Learn to deal with discomfort rather than attempting to escape it with distraction. • Chapter 5: Stop trying to actively suppress urges—this only makes them stronger. Instead, observe and allow them to dissolve. • Chapter 6: Reimagine the internal trigger. Look for the negative emotion preceding the distraction, write it down, and pay attention to the negative sensation with curiosity rather than contempt. • Chapter 7: Reimagine the task. Turn it into play by paying “foolish, even absurd” attention to it. Deliberately look for novelty. • Chapter 8: Reimagine your temperament. Self-talk matters. Your willpower runs out only if you believe it does. Avoid labeling yourself as “easily distracted” or having an “addictive personality.”

PART 2: MAKE TIME FOR TRACTION • Chapter 9: Turn your values into time. Timebox your day by creating a schedule template. • Chapter 10: Schedule time for yourself. Plan the inputs and the outcome will follow. • Chapter 11: Schedule time for important relationships. Include household responsibilities as well as time for people you love. Put regular time on your schedule for friends. • Chapter 12: Sync your schedule with stakeholders.

PART 3: HACK BACK EXTERNAL TRIGGERS • Chapter 13: Of each external trigger, ask: “Is this trigger serving me, or am I serving it?” Does it lead to traction or distraction? • Chapter 14: Defend your focus. Signal when you do not want to be interrupted. • Chapter 15: To get fewer emails, send fewer emails. When you check email, tag each message with when it needs a reply and respond at a scheduled time. • Chapter 16: When it comes to group chat, get in and out at scheduled times. Only involve who is necessary and don’t use it to think out loud.

Chapter 17: Make it harder to call meetings. No agenda, no meeting. Meetings are for consensus building rather than problem solving. Leave devices outside the conference room except for one laptop. • Chapter 18: Use distracting apps on your desktop rather than your phone. Organize apps and manage notifications. Turn on “Do Not Disturb.” • Chapter 19: Turn off desktop notifications. Remove potential distractions from your workspace. • Chapter 20: Save online articles in Pocket to read or listen to at a scheduled time. Use “multichannel multitasking.” • Chapter 21: Use browser extensions that give you the benefits of social media without all the distractions. Links to other tools are at: NirAndFar.com/Indistractable.

PART 4: PREVENT DISTRACTION WITH PACTS • Chapter 22: The antidote to impulsiveness is forethought. Plan ahead for when you’re likely to get distracted. • Chapter 23: Use effort pacts to make unwanted behaviors more difficult. • Chapter 24: Use a price pact to make getting distracted expensive. • Chapter 25: Use identity pacts as a precommitment to a self-image. Call yourself “indistractable.”

PART 5: HOW TO MAKE YOUR WORKPLACE INDISTRACTABLE • Chapter 26: An “always on” culture drives people crazy. • Chapter 27: Tech overuse at work is a symptom of dysfunctional company culture. The root cause is a culture lacking “psychological safety.” • Chapter 28: To create a culture that values doing focused work, start small and find ways to facilitate an open dialogue among colleagues about the problem.

PART 6: HOW TO RAISE INDISTRACTABLE CHILDREN (AND WHY WE ALL NEED PSYCHOLOGICAL NUTRIENTS) • Chapter 29: Find the root causes of why children get distracted. Teach them the four-part indistractable model. • Chapter 30: Make sure children’s psychological needs are met. All people need to feel a sense of autonomy, competence, and relatedness. If kids don’t get their needs met in the real world, they look to fulfill them online. • Chapter 31: Teach children to timebox their schedule. Let them make time for activities they enjoy, including time online. • Chapter 32: Work with your children to remove unhelpful external triggers. Make sure they know how to turn off distracting triggers, and don’t become a distracting external trigger yourself. • Chapter 33: Help your kids make pacts and make sure they know managing distraction is their responsibility. Teach them that distraction is a solvable problem and that becoming indistractable is a lifelong skill.

PART 7: HOW TO HAVE INDISTRACTABLE RELATIONSHIPS • Chapter 34: When someone uses a device in a social setting, ask, “I see you’re on your phone. Is everything OK?” • Chapter 35: Remove devices from your bedroom and have the internet automatically turn off at a specific time.