Dungeon Madness (The Divine Dungeon, #2)

by Dakota Krout

He went in for a hug, acting like he hadn’t been about to start slapping the man. “I’m… good?” Dale licked his lips nervously. Hans shoved him away, spitting. “Gah! I know I was standing close, but you didn’t need to lick my lips! What the heck?!” Hans spit to the side. “You need to brush your teeth.”

What the FUCK? Is this an ambiguous pronoun joke? If so, it makes no sense in-universe. Dale would not actually lick Hans' lips.

They exchanged pleasantries as they made a bee-line for the food; that is, they took many unnecessary turns and side routes in order to avoid the early morning traffic.

Unnecessary and poorly phrased detail. If you're trying to say that the most direct route to the food was a tortuous one, then you need to be more clear about that, rather than contradicting yourself within a single sentence. As it is this is a confusing detail. "They exchanged pleasantries as they headed to straight to breakfast, though the maze of tents, vendor stalls, midden heaps, and mud pits forced them to take a circuitous route that almost doubled back on itself in places."

Hans slapped him lightly across the face.

And then Tom crushed his neck, because you DON'T SLAP A BARBARIAN IN THE FACE UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE

Dale was disturbed by how easily their murder was accepted,

I don't really think of killing thieves who attacked me with deadly weapons as murder

he also realized that the benefits of opening all his meridians were beginning to show.

I wouldn't have phrased this as two consecutive, separate realizations, but rather as a deduction based on his first realization

In the mountains, the average lifespan was forty years.

I assume this is analogous to the low life expectancy in the middle ages, but that low average was mostly due to the high infant mortality rate, not adults dying young.

How about a tunnel for that, which groups will have to go through?

Awkward phrasing

she shot down another attempt at a nickname.

Please stop using whole sentences as an alternative to "said." It always reads like a run-on sentence. Get your point across with just dialog or just prose, but stop trying to do both. It's redundant and doesn't read well. If nothing else, just break things up into more than one sentence.

creating pathways and memories in his brain that may as well have been there from birth since they melded with his own so well.

Weird sentence structure. Rearranging a bit sounds better: "...creating new memories and pathways that melded with his own so well that they might as well have been there since birth."

Her newfound realization that professionalism was the only thing allowing her to keep her job

What!? How? Why the HELL did Frank even let her stay on considering everything he said!? And I don't understand why professionalism (which she obviously doesn't have) is allowing her to keep her job?

Dale ignored the offer of death for some unknown reason.

Really stilted. "Dale ignored the offer of death. Oh well, it was worth a shot!"

I was always happy to learn new things.

Rather than explaining why he said something, put his thought FIRST and then the dialog follows naturally. "I was always happy to learn something. <What kind...>"

“At the different cultivation levels, Cores gain different properties. There are flawed, weak, standard, strong, beastly, immaculate, luminous, and radiant Beast Cores.

Was highlighting this for future reference, but then he just calls himself radiant on the next page, so I guess I didn't need to do that?

This statement shocked the others so much that they paused a moment too long,

Really? It was THAT shocking to hear a barbarian make a macho comment?

taking a light blow to the edge of his breastplate, heavily denting it as he was thrown aside.

Light blows don't heavily dent enchanted full plate. Perhaps you meant a glancing blow?

but he braced himself and dodged almost entirely out of the way,

Why did he brace himself as if for impact if he was going to dodge?

Can you tie them to the room so that they spawn when plants are killed off?” she exasperatedly pushed the conversation forward.

You don't need to describe the dialog she JUST SAID. Also, this still reads like a run-on sentence. Stop using whole phrases like a "said" verb!

I got thoroughly enthusiastic

I was getting. And I don't think "thoroughly" works very well as an intensifier for "enthusiastic," personally.

I will go ahead of you to inform her of your impending meeting.”

impending arrival

“That would be fine. Dismissed,” Dale gave a ritualistic order, and the Elf vanished.

Again, don't have dialog and then IMMEDIATELY describe the dialog. If what they're doing isn't clear from their dialog, you need to write better dialog. Like, "dismissed" is hardly a ritualistic command, so maybe have Dale remember something from the memory stone and decide to try saying "dismissed" in Elvish.

<It isn’t personal, but I’m also not going to turn down a free snack. It’s been a pleasure matching wits with you, Dale.>

I really don't think this fits Cal's character. He's been all about fairness up until now, and seen Dale as a challenge. I don't think he'd be satisfied with having Dale just served up to him on a platter.

<Oh, how noble. It is all the same to me, Dale. All life ends, righteous or vindictive. Everything eventually ends.

Wow, you weren't so cavalier about your own life when he saved you from that distortion cat, dick. And if you're gonna keep this, maybe put an exclamation point after "Noble" just to make Cal's sarcasm really obvious.

I assured her

End of sentence

“If you are what you eat, I am an innocent man!

Ok, so now the corrupt clerk is a friggin' PSYCHOTIC CANNIBAL!? WAY too over-the-top, and further demonstrates Frank's bad judgment. Regardless, this is so abrupt that it kills my immersion. It sounds like you came up with a line you liked and just shoehorned it in wherever you could. This is the kind of thing you need to lay a little groundwork for beforehand. Maybe have some unexplained murders or disappearances happen before this.

“You survived?!”

Why is this a question?

so surprised

Try "amazed"

Anyone who tries to save my life while not standing a snowflake’s chance could be nothing less,”

Awkward. "What else would I call someone who's willing to face those odds for me?"

“Anytime you’d like, my treat! Forever.”

This is one sentence. Replace the exclamation point with a comma and put the exclamation point at the end

The woman ignored them, dancing around and gathering flowers while humming and singing nonsensically.

Look, no one cracks that far, that fast, especially from the abject horror of being caught! You can tell by the fact that PEOPLE FREQUENTLY GET ARRESTED WITHOUT GOING INSANE.

Forgetting that they had no way to start one, they built a small fire pit and gathered plants to burn.

They had no way to start a fire pit? Because that's what the word "one" is referring to with this sentence structure.

“Someone shut that crazy broad up!”

And now we're in a 30s gangster movie.

I noticed her starting to panic—Dani that is—

JUST REPLACE "HER" WITH "DANI." What is the point of including the pronoun confusion?

I’ll want to take action.”

Dani all of a sudden sounding very different, and back to contractions. How about, "I want to know what happens to her!" She can still take action later without announcing it beforehand.

“Oh, whine more. Pff. At least you entertain us by varying what you complain about,”

In two sentences you went from "Shut up, Hans" to "Eh, guess you're not so bad"

“Verily, I have heard that the events of this early morning provide sufficient cause for Dale to receive lenient treatment from us.”

Why is the friggin BARBARIAN the one who talks like Shakespeare ? Even the other princes talk normally compared to him.

thought they were just unprepared?” Rose contritely confessed. “Just let me finish!” Hans ordered.

That's not how you respond to someone contritely admitting a mistake... especially someone you're constantly hitting on. Also, you ended a statement with a question mark. I know you do that when someone is saying something uncertainly, but you should note that most writers will add that uncertainty via description, not punctuation. "...Rose confessed uncertainly."

“There is that much of a difference?” Dale was unconvinced.

Again, reverse the order dialog and the thought, so one springs naturally from the other. "Dale was unconvinced. 'Surely there isn't that big a difference?'"

agreed

"had to concede", maybe? I feel like that lines up better with Dale's next line of dialog

Look, I need to get going, but we will talk later?” Dale started marching out of the room.

Why is this a question? And what is Dale, some weird drill sgt? "Dale turned to leave, but..."

“Hold a moment?

Why are they both suddenly question talking at each other?

“Nah, it is a terrible idea. I’m doing it anyway. I’ll see you later.”

UCOD (Use Contractions Or Don't) unless you're putting emphasis on the verb, but obviously you know how to use italics, so obviously not the case here.

The history of Wisps and how they came to be was one of their race’s greatest sought-after secrets. This information was a huge leap forward to her knowledge, and she felt like she could be the first of her kind to learn why they existed and how they came to be.

I really feel like you should have set this up at least a BIT before now. As it is it feels like something you just thought up and decided to run with.

dichotomy

You don't need to lead me by the nose, plus the whole phrase sounds so... stodgy

the statement got a chuckle from the group. A knock at the door cut their merriment short.

A chuckle qualifies as merriment?

Hello, my niece.

Why MY niece? I haven't seen any nuncles, so I'd have to assume you'd say "Hello, niece!" over "my niece."

“Job board?” Adam politely wondered.

You can easily convey politeness through dialog, so try that instead of weird phrases like "politely wondered." Wondering is a mental process. Thats why the phrase "wonder aloud" exists. Try "inquired" instead.

“I haven’t heard of this?”

Also, we know he's asking via statements, you dont have to end them with question marks

“Shut your food-hole!

Really?

This is about

This is about where? You can do better.

I bet the salt would hurt in the cut, too.>

This is just cruel