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plenty of Essence so can you
Need a comma
“You have a beautiful soul, Cal.
You sociopath
“But, my Lord… there is more than one way to skin a Cat.”
Groan
‘tips’ is an acronym for ‘to insure proper service’.
Not actually true
Also, please be aware that neither of us have slept since the rumors of war have begun, so our meeting must be a short one as we still need to find an area to sleep.”
So they haven't slept in... weeks? And they decide to break the streak NOW?
I am going
UCOD
I think that you are getting a bit too much of an ego, been bossing people around recently?>
This is two sentences
Why did I always set rules for myself?
Because it was a negotiation?
“He is fine,
UCOD
pushed off it to maintain momentum whilst changing direction.
Too much explicit detail. "used his powerful hind legs to rebound off the wall."
increasing his momentum
The only thing that can increase your momentum in midair (absent some kind of thruster) is gravity. Flipping wouldn't do anything unless Raile uncurled before impact and hit with a spinning extremity
The huge warhammer caught the blow just behind the head of the weapon, sending it flying across the room.
Having the Warhammer as the subject of the verb "caught" makes it sound like the Warhammer is hitting another weapon, rather than Raile hitting the hammer
Expecting that the warhammer was gone,
Expecting? Not the right word.
“So you are telling
UCOD
pleadingly informed
Plead = ask
inform = tell
they don't work well together
<Move over about a foot, there is a small hole there.
Two sentences
She dipped in a vial that she had hastily poured out, a potent stamina potion of some kind that decreased the feeling of tiredness.
You tried to cram too much into one sentence here
looking at ya
Since when does Cal say "ya?" You need to be more consistent with your characterization
Brick “Stonewall” Moonshadow.
Use single quotes inside double quotes
“Next, we left our ancestral home after the King tried to have us killed off. Put us in a fight against overwhelming odds against an Orc horde.”
It would seem wise for Dale to ask WHY their king/dad tried to have them killed before welcoming them, yeah? Also, Judy killed, not "killed off." You'd use "kill off" when talking about a population, not individuals.
“Yeah, Dad’s an asshat.”
You introduced this guy as if he was an idiot, and now he sounds right out of the 21st century. Consistent characters are important.
I am against violence,
She said immediately after breaking multiple bones
all you want to do is get money.
all you want is money. Or rewrite the whole line to sound less stilted. "I've sworn to protect the creatures that cannot protect themselves, and I will not stand aside so you can satisfy your greed!"
She turned and started away, moving in a joyful way that—to the experienced—told a story about freedom from pain.
-_-
and pray tell, what exactly set her movement apart from any other type of joyful movement? And she seems smart enough to get a meaningful hint across.
A misspoken promise or threat can kill you at that point.
At what point? Progressing cultivation? Or the HIGHER LEVELS of cultivation?
you are
UCOD
Yes, you should have met someone that would freak you out a lot.
Would have freaked. Dont change verb tenses in the middle of a sentence.
Also, thanks, I look forward to seeing what you bring me next!>
Exclamation point after thanks
Also, for some reason, I would think you would give Dwarves a discount…?”
Is "for some reason" really necessary here? Also, "I'd have thought you'd give" (or "would have given") sounds way more natural.
forced impregnation?”
Technically accurate, but still cringy. How about "involuntary relations?"
childhood. I just have a bit of a constant need
Desire/urge?
Orc women don’t have children any other way—they
Don't have children any other way than being raped by a dwarf?
Dale had hit the end of his funds, but he had good credit with Tyler, who agreed to let him pay it off in weekly installments.
Are you telling me that 15% of every diver's loot isn't enough to give Dale a HUGE profit, even after paying taxes to both kingdoms? Seems weird considering the fact that people were retiring off one run.
The night had quite a chill to it now.
"The night had taken on quite a chill." ?
Gnomes, Orcs, Elves, and humans.
Why did you capitalize all of the races except humans?
Her first words chilled Dale more than the morning mountain air.
This should have been at the end of the previous paragraph
“It’s his turn,” Dale muttered.
Ok, this made me laugh, but still, UCOD
“Oh look! It is snowing!”
UCOD
“Back to the request, it seems
Colon or hyphen here, not a comma
I almost never used a tone like that toward her, so the shock of it made her listen.
Just bad writing. "Dani, who usually treated my orders as suggestions at best, must have heard the urgency in my tone..."
They who had become reliant on our compliance.
Sentence fragment. Integrate this into the previous sentence
to the ceiling but about
need a comma in here
about four feet around
tell us the diameter! your average joe isn't going to be able to visualize a particular circumference as well as they can a diameter. If I told you a column was 10 feet around, and another column was 3 feet in diameter, which one is easier to picture accurately?
Then I had them restore their memories in a new stone.
Store, not restore
“Hey. It isn’t paranoia if they are actually out to get you. Nah, I guess the voices in my head just haven’t been bothering me this week.”
This is like two completely different responses to the same thing. It sounds like he's workshopping jokes
to the point that the wind had caught on him like a sail
caught him, not caught on him
His nipples were unpleasantly puckered though,
Puckered? Really?
The movement pushed the shaman from areas of low concentrations of Essence to areas of slightly higher concentrations.
Riiiiiiiiiiight
but the general consensus
Among?
“Die worm!”
Comma
