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She kicked her leg forward,
"As Hans' mouth gaped in disbelief, she kicked..."
scratch her armor but failed
Comma
“Too strong of armor,
"armor too strong? Fine!" "Too strong of armor" just sounds weird.
several feet away, ready to block, but Dani had crossed her blades and was several paces away.
Mix up your phrasing so you don't have "several ___ away" twice
“No joke! Higher education?” Rose responded, finally allowing herself to see the humor in the situation. “They take an arm and a leg.”
Rolling my eyes SO HARD. Everyone saw that coming
We are just trying to mask our pain,
UCOD. And I think it's less "mask our pain" than "blow off some stress," personally.
pickaxe-density
Funny, but maybe iron or steel-hard rather than "pickaxe density." People don't use pickaxe interchangeably with "hard" the way they do iron/steel.
Hans and another voice
Voices don't breathe
Dale groaned at these words from Brakker. “I am a humble Bard, seeking my fortune in these frozen wastes. More pressingly, I am looking for a place to survive the winter. I am told you two may hold some sway over the proprietor of this fine dining establishment?”
Groaned at these words from Brakker? We know they were words, and we know Brakker said them. Seriously unnecessary verbosity. Also, formatting it this way makes it seem like Dale is speaking.
<Right, wait, so a meteor is a chunk of stone or metal that drops out of the sky really fast, correct?>
Obviously he knows what a meteor is, so why is he asking?
Unless they come in bound and gagged?” Dani remembered a situation Dale had been in recently.
Reverse the order of these sentences
That way there would be a better chance of them going to harder levels right away, which means a higher chance of them failing to survive?>
Conversely, attrition is a much more reliable killer
He heard Madam Chandra talking about an unrelated topic as they walked away, proving that they were treating this far too lightly. Chandra was discussing with Frank, “But if I buy enough of them, I can change the name to the Chantom Mountains!” “People would always spell or pronounce them wrong! They’d write it with an ‘S’ as the Shantom…” Frank’s voice faded into the distance.
Dale's conclusion about them taking things too lightly should FOLLOW their dialogue, not proceed it. His conclusion follows from their words.
feeling relief
Technically true, but usually you'd say relieved, not relief.
but simply walls that blocked the paths needed for travel.
Might want to say "guarded" rather than "blocked," as blocked makes them sound badly designed
A section of stone was rising slowly from the ground, doubling in height by the time he arrived.
This sounds like the stone is literally moving. "A sloped section projected from the ground, starting at waist level and doubling in height by the time he arrived."
feeling better after the exercise he had gotten from his short jog to the wall.
Redundant
The Goblins ambushed us and took you, cutting off your arm as they tried to get your warhammer.”
Break this up into multiple sentences and it would sound more like trying to calm someone down instead of rushing exposition.
Tom calmed down as Dale talked, a reaction to having to listen to orders on a daily basis.
You don't need to be so damn explicit about everything! He can react without you telling us it's a reaction! "Tom, conditioned to focus on Dale's voice from weeks in the Dungeon, calmed down as Dale continued his litany of soothing words."
“I cannot fight as I am. I am sitting, and my balance is off, nearly toppling me. The joy I felt at achieving my breakthrough has fled, and all I feel is shame.”
Notice that I never complain about Tom not using contractions? That's because he CONSISTENTLY does not use them, and thus that becomes part of his character. With everyone else it's like they're constantly changing the way they talk, and it breaks my immersion.
At the end of it you are still
UCOD
Hans suddenly laughed. “Look! Tom, you’re in the statues!” I had replaced the statue of the crazy Elf and bunnies with one of dozens of small Goblin arms holding up a single, larger arm.
Ok, THAT is funny!
“Ninety-five percent,” Dale responded agreeably. “Does that mean ‘yes’?” Hans raised his eyebrow. Dale had forgotten that Dwarven mathematics was not common knowledge. “Err. Yeah, it means I am almost positive.”
Really? Common numerical knowledge for a 75 year old rank C ex-thief guild member from a big city doesn't include PROBABILITY? Does no one play dice!?
Fight for your greed, your self-serving desires!”
That didn't help, Dale. People don't like being called greedy and self-serving, even if it's true
“That mass of infected represents nearly a sixth of our rural population.”
That seems like a very small rural population for an entire kingdom.
but without appearing to be violent.
but without apparent violence
For now, the towering defense held.
You said the walls weren't that tall
<Don’t judge me like that. You do the same thing!> My words almost made Dale stumble. “I do not!”
Dale, it's literally your profession. Dumb objection. Skip this and make Cal's next words the reply to "I dont like to help you."
“Dammit. I shoulda let that healer fix my ears.”
Ok, that got a laugh
he began to be drug
Dragged. Drug is not a word.
“You are such an ass.”
That got a giggle
a pound of powdered aluminum,
Isnt that worth a small castle?
“I never want to leave this room again,” he muttered under his breath.
LMAO. Well done.
<That could be arranged,> I muttered in a completely non-threatening way. Dale still glared around the room.
This isn't bad, but i feel like the last line was better on its own.
Hans got nothing.
Nice
except the last, whose feet burst through the stairs and tripped him.
...what? His feet tripped him as he burst THROUGH stairs while running DOWN them? Paint a clearer picture, I have no idea what is happening here.
The leader of The Collective looked to the side to see Dale pounding on infected with his—apparently—only cloth covered hands, leaving behind craters in the flesh. An arrow from Rose ripped through everything from her to the wall in a straight line, tearing through bodies and armor like paper. Hans was jauntily strolling along, poking enemies with casual grace and disregard for his own safety. “They’re all insane!” affirmed Adam. Nick looked his way to see him ignoring several infected that appeared to be stabbing him with daggers.
Good shit here. Getting me into it.
The words that left his lips caused the fight to return to its previous intensity. “Father Richard… no…”
His words are what caused the fight to rejoin? Not the sudden presence of more enemies? You really need to stop talking about people's words. "The words" "his words" "her words" ... you're doing too much telling and not enough showing.
“Are you in there, old man?” Dale called at the slightly glowing priest.
No, the zombie parasite knows your name and told you to run
“Where’s the Nick guy?”
That Nick guy
