Reinventing Your Life

by Jeffrey E. Young

THE ORIGINS OF EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION 1. Mother is cold and unaffectionate. She does not hold and rock the child enough. 2. The child does not have a sense of being loved and valued—of being someone who is precious and special. 3. Mother does not give the child enough time and attention. 4. The mother is not really tuned into the child’s needs. She has difficulty empathizing with the child’s world. She does not really connect with the child. 5. Mother does not soothe the child adequately. The child, then, may not learn to soothe him/herself or to accept soothing from others. 6. The parents do not adequately guide the child or provide a sense of direction. There is no one solid for the child to rely upon.

We often hear phrases like these from patients with Emotional Deprivation: “I don’t know why she had me,” or “They never should have had me.”

The love Dustin’s father gave him partly healed the damage done by his mother, so that the lifetrap developed in a more limited way.

Similarly, children who have a depriving father but a mother who is not depriving, may reenact their emotional deprivation as adults in certain relationships but not in others. For example, girls with depriving fathers may reenact this lifetrap in love affairs with men, but not so much in other types of relationships.

Unlike most of the other lifetraps, where the parent does something active that damages the child, emotional deprivation results from the absence of certain mothering behaviors.

Behaviors of the parent such as the criticalness that gives rise to the Defectiveness lifetrap, or the domination that gives rise to Subjugation, are highly visible. The parent commits actions the child can remember. But emotional deprivation is not always like this. Emotional deprivation is something missing, something the child never knew.

You might recognize the lifetrap in yourself only after you have asked yourself specific questions: “Did I feel close to my mother, did I feel she understood me, did I feel loved, did I love her, was she warm and affectionate, could I tell her what I felt, could she give me what I needed?”

Although Emotional Deprivation is one of the most common lifetraps, it is often one of the hardest to detect.

some people who have the Emotional Deprivation lifetrap avoid romantic relationships altogether, or only get into them for a short time. This is typical of the Escape coping style.

Perhaps you, like Jed, have a history of breaking off relationships when the person starts to get too close. You conveniently find reasons to end the relationship. Or, like Dustin, you protect yourself from closeness by choosing partners who are unavailable. Or, like Elizabeth, you choose someone who is there, but is cold and ungiving. No matter what path you take, the final outcome is the same. You wind up in a situation that is emotionally depriving, thus replicating your childhood deprivation.

DANGER SIGNALS IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DATING 1. He/She doesn’t listen to me. 2. He/She does all the talking. 3. He/She is not comfortable touching or kissing me. 4. He/She is only sporadically available. 5. He/She is cold and aloof. 6. You are much more interested in getting close than he/she is. 7. The person is not there for you when you feel vulnerable. 8. The less available he/she is, the more obsessed you become. 9. He/She does not understand your feelings. 10. You are giving much more than you are getting.

When several of these signals are occurring at once, run—particularly if the chemistry is very strong. Your lifetrap has been triggered full force.

EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION LIFETRAPS IN A RELATIONSHIP 1. You don’t tell your partner what you need, then feel disappointed when your needs are not met. 2. You don’t tell your partner how you feel, and then feel disappointed when you are not understood. 3. You don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable, so that your partner can protect or guide you. 4. You feel deprived, but you don’t say anything. You harbor resentment. 5. You become angry and demanding. 6. You constantly accuse your partner of not caring enough about you. 7. You become distant and unreachable.

You might reinforce your deprivation by sabotaging the relationship. You might become hypersensitive to signs of neglect. You might expect your lover to read your mind and almost magically to fill your needs.

Some people with the Emotional Deprivation lifetrap counterattack; they compensate for their feelings of deprivation by becoming hostile and demanding. These people are narcissistic. They act as if they are entitled to get all their needs met.

Jed and Elizabeth illustrate two different styles of coping with Emotional Deprivation: Jed’s anger and demandingness are typical of the Counterattack coping style, while Elizabeth’s silence is characteristic of Surrender as a way of coping.

Although Dustin’s mother was cold, she was excellent at filling other types of needs. She was lavish with material gifts, so Dustin developed a sense of entitlement about material things. Unlike Dustin, some children are neglected in both domains, emotionally and materially. No matter where they turn, they encounter deprivation. These children usually just give up and learn to expect nothing (the Surrender coping style).

CHANGING EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION 1. Understand your childhood deprivation. Feel the deprived child inside of you. 2. Monitor your feelings of deprivation in your current relationships. Get in touch with your needs for nurturance, empathy, and guidance. 3. Review past relationships, and clarify the patterns that recur. List the pitfalls to avoid from now on. 4. Avoid cold partners who generate high chemistry. 5. When you find a partner who is emotionally generous, give the relationship a chance to work. Ask for what you want. Share your vulnerability with your partner. 6. Stop blaming your partner and demanding that your needs be met.

Jed could easily access his anger about the deprivation, but he had difficulty accessing the pain (typical of Counterattackers). Elizabeth, on the other hand, was in touch with the pain, with how lonely she felt as a child (typical of Surrenderers). It was harder for her to access the anger. You have both anger and grief about your deprivation. As we shall see, it is important to try to feel both.

THREE KINDS OF EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION 1. Deprivation of Nurturance 2. Deprivation of Empathy 3. Deprivation of Protection

Nurturance refers to warmth, attention, and physical affection. Did your parents hold and rock you? Did they comfort and soothe you? Did they spend time with you? Do they hug and kiss you when you see them now?

Empathy refers to having someone who understands your world and validates your feelings. Did your parents understand you? Were they in sync with your feelings? Could you confide in them when you had problems? Were they interested in listening to what you had to say? Would they discuss their own feelings with you if you asked them to? Could they communicate with you?

Finally, Protection refers to providing strength, direction, and guidance. Did you have someone you could go to as a child when you needed advice, and who was a source of refuge and strength? Was there ...

Jed experienced severe deprivation in all three areas. He was so damaged that, as an adult, he could neither give nor receive any of the three—nurturance, empathy, or protection. For El...

Any strong feeling of deprivation can serve as a cue that your lifetrap is triggered and that you should pay attention to what is going on.

If you meet someone for whom you feel a high degree of chemistry, rate how much chemistry on a 0 to 10 scale. If you rate the person a 9 or 10, then think twice about becoming involved with this person. Occasionally, such relationships work out, after a great deal of turmoil. But, more often, the strong chemistry you feel will be based on lifetraps that they trigger in you, rather than positive qualities that will make the relationship last.

We are not saying that you have to settle for spending the rest of your life with a partner who only generates a response of 0–5 in you. We feel that there has to be some chemistry for the relationship to work. But, if there is only romantic chemistry, it almost certainly will not work in the long run. There are plenty of 6’s, 7’s, and 8’s out there. One of them might bring you the deep fulfillment of an intimate, loving relationship, perhaps for the first time in your life.

Many times people with this lifetrap feel bored and dissatisfied in healthy relationships, and they want to walk away. Do not walk away so fast, even if the relationship seems unexciting. Maybe you just need to get used to the strange sensation of having your emotional needs met.

Despite Dustin’s feelings that he might want to end the relationship, we thought it was possible that it still might work out.

It is worth trying to address your problems in the relationship in the hope that you can get some of the chemistry back. It may be more a matter of allowing yourself to connect with the person, of your making yourself vulnerable and asking for what you want.

Keeping your needs secret is a way of surrendering to your lifetrap. You make sure that even though your partner is a warm person, your needs still will not get met.

Once divorced, Elizabeth immediately repeated the pattern twice more, with two other cold, ungiving men. “It’s almost as though I had to live the pattern again in order to recognize it,”

If you have the Dependence lifetrap, life itself seems overwhelming. You feel that you cannot cope. You believe that you are incapable of taking care of yourself in the world, and that therefore you have to turn to other people for help. It is only with such help that you can possibly survive.

An image that captures the essence of dependence is that of a small child who feels that suddenly the world is too much and starts crying for mommy.

Your typical thoughts reflect your sense of incompetence: “This is too much for me,” “I can’t handle this,” “I’m going to fall apart,” “I’m not going to be able to handle my responsibilities.”

Other typical thoughts reflect your fear of abandonment—your fear that you will lose the people upon whom you are most dependent: “What would I do without this person?,” “How will I get by on my own?” These thoughts are usually accompanied by a sense of desperation and panic.

Difficulty trusting your judgment is a core feature of dependence. You are indecisive.

When you have a decision to make, you solicit the opinions of others. In fact, you probably rush from person to person seeking advice. You change your mind a hundred times. The whole process just leaves you confused and exhausted.

Dependent people do not like change. They like everything to stay the same.

Your confidence is low in new situations, because you have to rely on your own judgment. In situations that are familiar to you, you have already gotten the judgments of other people and you have already established some knowledge of the best approach to take.

We would like to say that your sense of incompetence is more imagined than real, but unfortunately this is often not the case. Often dependent people lack competence exactly because they have so successfully avoided the tasks of adulthood.

However, most dependent patients exaggerate their incompetence. They doubt themselves more than the situation warrants.

When you consistently act in ways designed to keep people doing things for you, you are surrendering to your lifetrap. Having people do things for you reinforces the idea that you are not capable of doing these things on your own and keeps you from developing a sense of competence.

You have never found out that you actually can function alone.

Escape is another way of reinforcing your lifetrap. You avoid the tasks you believe are too difficult for you. There are certain tasks dependent people commonly avoid. These include driving, attending to financial matters, making decisions, taking on new responsibilities, and learning new areas of expertise.

You avoid breaking apart from a parent or partner. You rarely live alone or travel alone. You rarely go to a movie alone or out to eat alone. By continually running away from these tasks, you confirm y...

Although you find change frightening and resist it, you often feel trapped even as you feel secure. This is the negative side of the Dependence lifetrap. This is the price you pay.

Dependent people often allow themselves to be abused, subjugated, or deprived in order to maintain the dependence. They will do almost anything to keep the person with them.

You like the security of these relationships, but you feel angry toward the people who provide it. And usually you do not dare express your anger openly. That might drive people away, and you need them too much. The dark side of this lifetrap is that you feel trapped in your dependent role.

Many of Margaret’s panic attacks occur when she is angry at Anthony and trying to keep it inside.