Reinventing Your Life

by Jeffrey E. Young

She exaggerates the meaning of fights just as Abby exaggerates the meaning of separations from her husband during his business trips.

Lindsay and Abby constantly say such things to their partners as: “You don’t really love me,” “I know you are going to leave me,” “You don’t miss me,” “You are glad that we have to be apart.”

You usually do not feel good when you are alone: you probably feel anxious, depressed, or detached. You need the feeling of connection to your partner. As soon as your partner leaves, you feel disconnected.

The better you are at distraction, the longer you can be alone. The worse you are at distraction, the quicker you experience the wanting, the sense of loss, and the need to reconnect.

anger mixed in with your detachment, and it is partly punitive. You punish your partner for withdrawing from you, for not giving you what you need.

CHANGING ABANDONMENT 1. Understand your childhood abandonment. 2. Monitor your feelings of abandonment. Identify your hypersensitivity to losing close people; your desperate fears of being alone; your need to cling to people. 3. Review past relationships, and clarify the patterns that recur. List the pitfalls of abandonment. 4. Avoid uncommitted, unstable, or ambivalent partners even though they generate high chemistry. 5. When you find a partner who is stable and committed, trust him/her. Believe that he/she is there for you forever, and will not leave. 6. Do not cling, become jealous, or overreact to the normal separations of a healthy relationship.

It is important for you to start spending time alone if you are not doing so. Choose to spend time alone instead of running away.

Avoid people who are going to take you on a roller coaster ride, even though these are the exact people to whom you are most attracted. Remember that we are not saying that you should go out with people you find unattractive, but an intense sexual attraction may be a sign that your partner is triggering your Abandonment lifetrap. If this is so, the relationship means trouble, and you should probably think twice about pursuing it.

Emotional people and calm, rational people often form relationships with one another.

When Lindsay began the relationship with Richard, she only felt moderately attracted to him, but her attraction grew. Unlike most of her other relationships with men, Lindsay stayed friends with Richard for several months before they became lovers. This had the effect of stabilizing the relationship as well. Lindsay felt less vulnerable, and she did not cling as much nor make her usual accusations of infidelity.

AN ABANDONMENT FLASHCARD Right now I feel devastated because Richard is withdrawing from me, and I am about to become angry and needy. However, I know that this is my Abandonment lifetrap, and that my lifetrap is triggered by just the slightest evidence of withdrawal. I need to remember that people in good relationships withdraw, and that withdrawal is part of the natural rhythm of good relationships. If I start behaving in an angry and clingy way, I will push Richard even further away. Richard has a right to pull away at times. What I should do instead is work with my thoughts to try to take a longer view of the relationship as a whole. My feelings are way out of proportion to reality. I can tolerate my feelings and remember that in the big picture Richard and I are still connected, and the relationship is good. To best help myself, I should turn my attention to my own life, and ways of developing myself. The better able I am to be on my own, the better I will be in relationships.

The way you remember your childhood abuse is important. You may remember everything, and your memories may haunt you. Things remind you of the abuse.

On the other hand, you may have no clear memories of the abuse. There may be whole patches of your childhood that seem vague and foggy.

You may not remember anything directly. But you remember in other ways—dreams or nightmares, violent fantasies, intrusive images, suddenly feeling upset when something reminds you of the abuse. Your body can remember, even when you yourself do not.

ORIGINS OF THE MISTRUST AND ABUSE LIFETRAP 1. Someone in your family physically abused you as a child. 2. Someone in your family sexually abused you as a child, or repeatedly touched you in a sexually provocative way. 3. Someone in your family repeatedly humiliated you, teased you, or put you down (verbal abuse). 4. People in your family could not be trusted. (They betrayed confidences, exploited your weaknesses to their advantage, manipulated you, made promises they had no intention of keeping, or lied to you.) 5. Someone in your family seemed to get pleasure from seeing you suffer. 6. You were made to do things as a child by the threat of severe punishment or retaliation. 7. One of your parents repeatedly warned you not to trust people outside of the family. 8. The people in your family were against you. 9. One of your parents turned to you for physical affection as a child, in a way that was inappropriate or made you uncomfortable. 10. People used to call you names that really hurt.

All forms of abuse are violations of your boundaries. Your physical, sexual, or psychological boundaries were not respected. Someone in your family who was supposed to protect you willfully started to hurt you.

The most important point is how you felt about it. If you felt very uncomfortable about the touching, then it was almost certainly sexual abuse.

Another source of guilt later is that the child believes that he or she allowed, encouraged, or even enjoyed the abuse.

The feeling of not being protected is part of most forms of abuse. One parent abused you, and the other failed to prevent or stop it.

To most children, some connection, even an abusive one, is better than no connection at all.

It is hard to convey how chaotic and dangerous the world seems when you are a child and someone close to you can invade you and hurt you. A basic sense of security that most people take for granted is simply not there.

Depending upon the severity of your abuse, you may have spent portions of your childhood in a dissociated state. Particularly while the abuse was happening, you may have learned to dissociate. This was an adaptive response, as a child.

Dissociating may have been a way for you to remove yourself from the situation emotionally and just get through it. Dissociating also gives an air of separateness to an event—it seems to be happening separately from the rest of your life. Thus you may have been able to relate to your abuser relatively normally in other situations.

Frank’s outbursts of anger are Counterattacks to cope with his expectations of abuse. Sometimes he becomes like his father. The child imitates the behavior of the abuser. This is a way for the child to feel more powerful.

The abused sometimes become the abusers. In fact, most child abusers were abused themselves as children.

Most victims of child abuse do not grow up to become child abusers. Although he has outbursts of anger, Frank himself is not a child abuser. He has broken the chain.

DANGER SIGNALS IN PARTNERS 1. He/She has an explosive temper that scares you. 2. He/She loses control when he/she drinks too much. 3. He/She puts you down in front of your friends and family. 4. He/She repeatedly demeans you, criticizes you, and makes you feel worthless. 5. He/She has no respect for your needs. 6. He/She will do anything—lie or manipulate—to get his/her way. 7. He/She is somewhat of a con artist in business dealings. 8. He/She is sadistic or cruel—seems to get pleasure when you or other people suffer. 9. He/She hits you or threatens you when you do not do as he/she wants. 10. He/She forces you to have sex, even when you do not want to. 11. He/She exploits your weaknesses to his/her advantage. 12. He/She cheats on you (has other lovers behind your back). 13. He/She is very unreliable, and takes advantage of your generosity.

we seem to keep repeating the same self-destructive patterns over and over. This is what Freud called the repetition compulsion. Why would someone who was abused as a child willingly become involved in another abusive relationship? It does not make sense. Yet that is what happens.

You may find that you are most attracted to abusive partners. People who use, hit, rape, or insult and demean you—are the lovers who generate the most chemistry.

LIFETRAPS IN RELATIONSHIPS 1. You often feel people are taking advantage of you, even when there is little concrete proof. 2. You allow other people to mistreat you because you are afraid of them or because you feel it is all you deserve. 3. You are quick to attack other people because you expect them to hurt you or put you down. 4. You have a very hard time enjoying sex—it feels like an obligation or you cannot derive pleasure. 5. You are reluctant to reveal personal information because you worry that people will use it against you. 6. You are reluctant to show your weaknesses because you expect people to take advantage of them. 7. You feel nervous around people because you worry that they will humiliate you. 8. You give in too easily to other people because you are afraid of them. 9. You feel that other people seem to enjoy your suffering. 10. You have a definite sadistic or cruel side, even though you may not show it. 11. You allow other people to take advantage of you because “it is better than being alone.” 12. You feel that men/women cannot be trusted. 13. You do not remember large portions of your childhood. 14. When you are frightened of someone, you “tune out,” as if part of you is not really there. 15. You often feel people have hidden motives or bad intentions, even when you have little proof. 16. You often have sado-masochistic fantasies. 17. You avoid getting close to men/women because you cannot trust them. 18. You feel frightened around men/women and you do ...

You may become the abuser or the abused. Either way you reenact your childhood abuse.

If you were sexually abused, the damage to your sexuality is bound to be an issue in romantic relationships. You are prone to feeling angry or emotionally dead during sex.

Madeline also had sado-masochistic sexual fantasies that disturbed her. The whole issue of sex was fraught with negative emotions.

CHANGING YOUR MISTRUST AND ABUSE LIFETRAP 1. If at all possible, see a therapist to help you with this lifetrap, particularly if you have been sexually or physically abused. 2. Find a friend you trust (or your therapist). Do imagery. Try to recall memories of abuse. Relive each incident in detail. 3. While doing imagery, vent your anger at your abuser(s). Stop feeling helpless in the image. 4. Stop blaming yourself. You did not deserve the abuse. 5. Consider reducing or stopping contact with your abuser(s) while you work on this lifetrap. 6. If it is possible, when you are ready, confront your abuser face-to-face, or send a letter. 7. Stop tolerating abuse in your current relationships. 8. Try to trust and get closer to people who deserve it. 9. Try to become involved with a partner who respects your rights and does not want to hurt you. 10. Do not abuse the people close to you.

Mistrust and Abuse is one of the most powerful lifetraps. It leads to extreme symptoms and problems in relationships. It is also one of the most difficult to change. An attempt to change through a self-help book will probably not be enough.

Another reason you do not want to remember is that the feelings are so painful. You may have gone to enormous lengths to tune out and numb yourself to your memories. It was emotional protection to keep yourself sane. To let that go is very scary.

At first Frank could not believe all his memories. “Maybe I made it up,” he would say, or “Maybe they’re just fantasies.” It was a battle to get him to accept that his memories were true.

You will find that, once you feel safe, the images will come. You will remember it all, and experience that pain. And in experiencing the pain, you will start to heal.

Strike back at your abuser. Imagine yourself stronger, older, or well-armed, so you can express your anger. Stop being that helpless child. Bang on a pillow or telephone books while you do this.

Get angry at the parent who did not protect you. This is part of the picture too. Direct the anger away from yourself. Stop dealing with your anger in self-destructive ways—by eating, or becoming addicted, or by feeling depressed and empty. Use your anger to make you stronger.

Until you confront your abuser, some part of you will remain a helpless child—unable to protect yourself in a world of malevolent adults. Part of you will still be afraid. But you are not a helpless child anymore. You can stand up to your abuser.

Emotional Deprivation lifetrap. If you have this lifetrap, you have a deep and fixed belief that your needs for love will never be met.

the original deprivation began so early, before you had the words to describe it. Your experience of emotional deprivation is much more the sense that you are going to be lonely forever, that certain things are never going to be fulfilled for you, that you will never be heard, never be understood.

Emotional deprivation feels like something is missing. It is a feeling of emptiness. Perhaps the image that most captures its meaning is that of a neglected child. Emotional deprivation is what a neglected child feels. It is a feeling of aloneness, of nobody there.

Some people with this lifetrap show a tendency to be demanding in relationships. There is an insatiable quality to the lifetrap. No matter how much people give you, it never feels like enough. Ask yourself, “Do people keep telling me that I am too needy, or that I ask for too much?”

Giving nurturance to others may be a way for you to compensate for your own feelings of unmet emotional needs. Similarly, you might exert great effort toward meeting the needs of your friends.

Finally, it is a sign of the Emotional Deprivation lifetrap to feel chronically disappointed in other people. People let you down. We are not speaking about a single case of disappointment, but rather a pattern of experiences over a long period of time. If your conclusion as a result of all your relationships is that you cannot count on people to be there for you emotionally—that is a sign that you have the lifetrap.

The origins of emotional deprivation lie in the person who serves as the maternal figure for the child—the person who is chiefly responsible for giving the child emotional nurturance. In some families this figure is a man, but in our culture it is usually a woman.

father figure is important also, but in the first years of life, it is usually the mother who forms the center of the child’s world. That first relationship becomes the prototype for those that follow. For the rest of the individual’s life, most close relationships will bear the stamp of that first experience with mother.

With emotional deprivation, the child received a less than average amount of maternal nurturance. The term nurtur...