How to Stop Losing Your Shit with Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent

by Carla Naumburg

And your children will push your buttons. They are genetically, evolutionarily, physiologically, developmentally, relationally, psychologically, and emotionally wired to jam their sticky little fingers into your buttons every chance they get. Some kids push harder and faster than other kids, but they all push. It doesn’t mean they secretly despise you. It just means they’re your kids.

it is not your job to get them to stop pushing. Your job is to teach them, again and again, to notice and respond skillfully to their triggers

What you need to remember is that (a) losing your shit is an emotional reaction, not a rational one, and (b) we don’t have nearly as much control over our feelings as we’d like to think. We can’t force ourselves to feel a particular way; all we can do is notice that we’re actually having a feeling so we can choose how to respond.

Your explosions are a predictable outcome of developmental, neurological, and biological processes, rather than logical decisions.

Over time, your explosions will literally rewire your brain, and not in a good way. The more you lose it with your kids, the stronger and more connected your “lose it” neuronal pathways will become, allowing your brain to freak out more quickly and easily in the future.

We’re demonstrating the very behaviors we’re trying to decrease and we’re modeling a relationship style we surely don’t want them to repeat later in life.

But walking on eggshells around someone is not the same as respecting them, and as soon as your kids are old enough to take some control over their time and space, they’re going to react to you the same way you did the last time you worked for an explosive, unpredictable boss: AVOID. AVOID. AVOID.

You’re doing an incredibly hard job, and you’re doing it without the right information, support, resources, and rest.

You’re not a bad parent, and while your shit losses are absolutely your responsibility, they’re not your fault. This is a crucial distinction that bears repeating: There’s no reason to blame yourself for your temper, but it’s time to step up and make some changes.

The painful truth that no one wants to talk about is that some kids are just harder to parent.

It’s not developmentally appropriate to expect children to behave well all the time.

Alternately, you may find that the constant physical contact of parenting means that touch is now a trigger for you, even if it wasn’t before.

What you do every day is more important than what you do every once in a while.

Trying to do more than one thing at a time is inherently triggering. Multitasking tricks us into thinking we’re being all productive and adulty and awesome when we’re actually hurling ourselves headlong into a meltdown.

This is because your adulting brain (PFC) has gone offline, and the toddler (limbic system) is running the show. And as we all know, toddlers make poor life choices.

Far too many people spend their entire lives at the mercy of whatever happens to grab their attention, never realizing that they have the ability to not take the bait. Each time we notice that we’ve been distracted, stuck in a repetitive thought cycle, or flooded by emotions, we can choose to step back and watch the show, rather than stepping into the lead role.

Notice, Pause, and Do Literally Anything Else. That’s all it takes to not lose your shit with your kids. It’s simple, but not easy.