How to Stop Losing Your Shit with Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent

by Carla Naumburg

you don’t need to be a perfect parent to be a great parent.

your children will push your buttons. They are genetically, evolutionarily, physiologically, developmentally, relationally, psychologically, and emotionally wired to jam their sticky little fingers into your buttons every chance they get. Some kids push harder and faster than other kids, but they all push. It doesn’t mean they secretly despise you. It just means they’re your kids.

The secret to staying calm is self-awareness; it’s about noticing you’re about to explode and giving yourself a chance to calm down. Noticing is your Power Play; it’s what makes all those “shoulda coulda woulda” suggestions possible. The ability to realize that your shoulders are getting tight and your chest is getting hot (and for the love of God will the damn kid just get her shoes on already) is the key to not freaking out. If you never notice you’re on the verge, you can’t choose to take a few steps back and calm down instead.

noticing is a skill, which means you can get better at it,

Self-compassion isn’t just useful for recovering from meltdowns; it’s also an excellent strategy for preventing them in the first place.

What you need to remember is that (a) losing your shit is an emotional reaction, not a rational one, and (b) we don’t have nearly as much control over our feelings as we’d like to think. We can’t force ourselves to feel a particular way; all we can do is notice that we’re actually having a feeling so we can choose how to respond.

Your explosions are a predictable outcome of developmental, neurological, and biological processes, rather than logical decisions.

Although there are many ways to lose your shit with your kids, some are worse than others. Insults and threats are particularly damaging, as is physical aggression or violence of any kind, including hitting, slapping, spanking, or throwing things. Perhaps this is part of the culture you were raised in or are parenting in, or maybe it’s a new experience for you. Either way, if any of this is happening in your home, it needs to stop. First, do what you can to stop blaming and shaming yourself. Yes, the situation is serious, but the sooner you can find a little forgiveness and kindness for yourself, the sooner you’ll be able to get some help and make some important changes. You’re not the only parent to ever hit your child, but that doesn’t mean it’s OK. You can do better. I promise. You may not be able to do it alone, and that doesn’t mean you’ve failed at parenting. It just means you’re in over your head. Talking to someone you trust is the first step: It can be a friend or family member, your doctor or pediatrician, a therapist, counselor, minister, rabbi, priest, or imam. It’s not going to be an easy conversation or an enjoyable one, but it needs to happen. You can do this.

In addition, frequent tension and stress mess with the brain and nervous systems, increasing the likelihood you’ll be triggered in the future.

most of us resort to a few habitual behaviors (snapping, screaming, slamming, etc.) when we lose it, and it’s super important that you get clear on exactly what you do when you freak out because that behavior is the only thing you can control.

Even if you have absolutely no clue how to respond to your kid’s offensive or obnoxious or only-slightly-irritating-but-you-just-can’t-handle-it-today behavior, I promise that anything you come up with from a place of relative calm will be more effective and empathic than whatever knee-jerk reaction you bust out with when you’re freaking out.

Every time you blow up, your nervous system gets all jacked up and your stress hormones go through the roof, which negatively impacts virtually every part of your body. Eventually, chronic stress can increase your blood pressure, weaken your immune system, cause migraines, and screw up your sleep. Frequent explosions and the related stress lead to long-term health issues. But it’s not just about the impact on your body. Over time, your explosions will literally rewire your brain, and not in a good way. The more you lose it with your kids, the stronger and more connected your “lose it” neuronal pathways will become, allowing your brain to freak out more quickly and easily in the future.

Our tantrums can leave our kids feeling anxious, ashamed, scared, and disconnected, which makes it harder for them to learn and integrate new information, tolerate new experiences (whether it’s a new food on their plate or the first day at a new school), and generally function well in daily life. The strong, unpleasant feelings they have in response to our explosions can also trigger kids and make it more likely that they’ll act out and have meltdowns of their own.

Calmer parents make for calmer kids. Our temperament and energy levels help set the tone for the house. Every time we freak out, we raise the level of tension in our homes, which is exhausting and can create painful rifts in family connections. Alternately, the calmer we are, the calmer our kids might be. I’m not saying that you’re 100 percent responsible for your children’s behavior and energy level, and your Jedi mind tricks won’t work all the time. However, to the extent that we can avoid adding fuel to their psychotic little fires, there will be a significant and noticeable difference for the entire family.

Having said all of that, I kind of get the appeal of losing your shit. It’s quick, easy, and requires relatively little thought, and can we all ’fess up and admit that sometimes it feels good to stick it to the kid? What’s more, it can be effective. Sort of. For a few minutes. It’s certainly possible that if you scare the crap out of your children often enough, they’ll do whatever you want just to keep you from losing it again. But walking on eggshells around someone is not the same as respecting them, and as soon as your kids are old enough to take some control over their time and space, they’re going to react to you the same way you did the last time you worked for an explosive, unpredictable boss: AVOID. AVOID. AVOID. Once they disconnect from you in that way, parenting becomes a lot harder and less fun. While it’s always possible to rebuild a relationship, that’s a challenge you don’t need.

You’re doing an incredibly hard job, and you’re doing it without the right information, support, resources, and rest. When we do something really hard every single day without those things, we lose it. It’s the human way. We are literally wired to freak out when our buttons are repeatedly pushed. And I think we can all agree that parenting is nothing if not an exercise in repeated button pushing.

You’re not a bad parent, and while your shit losses are absolutely your responsibility, they’re not your fault. This is a crucial distinction that bears repeating: There’s no reason to blame yourself for your temper, but it’s time to step up and make some changes. Remember, you’re a mere human, trying to raise another mere human, which may be the hardest thing any of us ever do. It’s hard at different times and in different ways for different parents, but it’s hard for everyone.

The painful truth that no one wants to talk about is that some kids are just harder to parent.

This is so validating!

Too many parents move through their days running on fumes, exhausted, stressed-out, overcaffeinated, and poorly fed, and yet still hold themselves to the same high standards and berate themselves for their “bad parenting” when they don’t measure up.

The calmer we can get (and stay), the calmer our kids will be as well. Basically, our PFCs are functioning for theirs.

Your brain (and thus, your nervous system) is not self-sustaining. It requires sleep, nutrition, exercise, stimulation, fun, and downtime to function well. It’s like one of those little digital pets that used to be so popular; as long as you tend to it, it will beep and smile when it should and generally behave well most of the time. And when you don’t tend to your brain, things like parenting become harder and you become much more likely to lose your shit.

More commonly, we’re exposed to smaller triggers over time, and our buttons slowly get bigger, brighter, more sensitive, and easier for our kids to push. Our baseline functioning gets elevated, bringing us closer in general to losing it. The more triggered we are, the more our limbic system amps up, ready to send us into reactive mode, until we get to the point where it just takes one thrown toy or smart-ass comment to send us over the edge. The limbic system takes control, the prefrontal cortex goes off-line, and shit is lost. Fortunately for the sanity of everyone involved, the opposite is also true. Each time we get enough sleep, move our bodies, stretch, breathe, spend time with friends, do a crossword puzzle, read a book, and take care of ourselves in basic ways, we’re calming those buttons down. We’re activating our parasympathetic nervous system (the relaxation and connection part of our nervous system), strengthening our prefrontal cortexes, and lowering our overall baseline, bringing us closer to a place of chill. Basically, we’re creating more space between our current state and freaking out. But if we don’t take care of ourselves properly, our buttons never really power down.

Let me repeat that: Screwing up and being awesome are not mutually exclusive.

I expected motherhood to be challenging; I didn’t expect it to turn everything upside down.

Through it all, I tried to remember how lucky we were, lucky that most of the injuries and illnesses were relatively minor and that we had health insurance and access to high-quality medical care. What I didn’t stop to consider was how triggered I was by all of it.

remember that it’s not your job to keep your kids happy. Big emotions don’t need to be fixed, they need to be felt. Children need to learn that there’s nothing wrong with feeling sad or mad or embarrassed or confused and that eventually those feelings will pass. If you can’t tolerate their meltdowns, they won’t be able to either.

think of stress as the thought, belief, or perception that you can’t handle what’s going on, whatever that may be. Whether or not your perception is accurate, stress is a significant trigger for pretty much everyone.

Getting some space from your phone is one of the most powerful changes you can make in your life and parenting. So put it down. Actually, get it out of the room. (Research has found that just having the thing nearby—even if it’s turned off—distracts us.) As long as they’re anywhere near us, smartphones are the enemies of single-tasking and sanity, and the source of all kinds of stress.

You can be kind and say no and hold your boundaries at the same time. Being kind isn’t the same thing as being nice or always saying yes or throwing yourself under the bus. It just means not being a jerk about whatever is going on.

Simplify, Stretch, Seek Silence, Slow Down, Space from Your Kids, Say Thank You, and Breathe.

Not only is chronic busyness not good for your overall functioning and happiness, but it’s not so great for your kids either. They need rest and downtime as much as you do, and they’re likely to react to the stress the same way you do—with a massive meltdown.

My daughters recently asked me what the F-word is. I said I would tell them, but that once the word was in their brain, they wouldn’t ever forget it and they might accidentally say it—and if they said it at school, they’d end up in the principal’s office even if they didn’t mean it. After a fair amount of bickering, the girls decided they didn’t want to know. I share this story because the same is true for adults as well. Don’t read and watch stuff you don’t want in your brain.

To top it all off: More exercise will make you less anxious and depressed, more fit, and generally healthier.

Think big and small. Getting your heart rate up and sweating through your shirt will not only calm your buttons down big-time, but you can also feel all awesome and self-righteous about it, which is cool. But don’t underestimate the importance of smaller movements that you can do throughout the day, such as lifting and lowering your shoulders, stretching out your calves on the porch step, and walking up and down the driveway or stairs. Any physical movement can be helpful in both preventing parental explosions and calming yourself both mid-meltdown and after the storm has passed.

Rushing sends a message to our brains and nervous systems that we need to kick into flight mode, whether or not we actually do. Sometimes we hurry when we’re triggered, but sometimes we trigger ourselves by racing through the moment.

gratitude can make almost every difficult parenting experience easier.

Each time you breathe intentionally, you’re hacking your nervous system and telling your buttons that everything is OK and they can chill already.

Noticing is crucial; if you’re not aware of what’s happening, you can’t make the choice to do something differently.

A strong, flexible connection isn’t about constant togetherness.

Don’t give a happy child ice cream. This is one of my favorite pieces of parenting advice, and it comes from the actor Jack Black. If your child is happy, leave well enough alone. Don’t get involved in their game or homework or sandcastle or whatever they’re doing. Resist the urge to praise, ask questions, or offer them help. Enjoy the opportunity for a little downtime; they’ll need you soon enough.

It is not your job to make your child happy. It is your job to keep them as safe as possible, and to help them mature and grow into reasonably functional adults. A big part of that is learning how to experience and deal with a variety of emotions, including the shitty ones. Letting your kids feel their feelings without getting caught up in them or needing to fix them is an effective way to get a little headspace from their chaos. Stay with your children and offer comfort if they need you, but remember that there’s nothing wrong with feeling bad, and it will pass.

when you find yourself losing your shit with your kids: Notice, Pause, and Do Literally Anything Else.

Ideally, you’ll realize you’re about to lose it before you actually do, but the truth is you can stop yourself at any point in a meltdown, even mid-freak-out. Most explosions actually happen in stages; neuroscientist and author Dan Siegel describes them as Trigger, Transition, Immersion, and Recovery.

You’re overwhelmed by Big Feelings, you’re reacting automatically, and your behavior is toxic. Even though you know that screaming and slamming and throwing remote controls is making things worse, once you get going, it’s hard to stop. This is because your adulting brain (PFC) has gone offline, and the toddler (limbic system) is running the show. And as we all know, toddlers make poor life choices.

This is the beginning of the recovery phase, which, under the best of circumstances, is when you pull your shit together and reconnect with your kiddo. This is a tricky time, as your buttons will still be very vulnerable, meaning you might pull it together or you might explode all over again.

Noticing is always an option. Sometimes you notice something significant, like the angry words flying out of your mouth, but it’s worth noticing seemingly minor moments as well. If you often walk around with a tense jaw, try to notice when that happens, and loosen it. Adding up enough of those small shifts in your awareness and behavior can make your day significantly easier.

When you’re not exhausted or immersed in your phone, you’ll be more likely to be aware of what you’re doing. And the first step toward practicing gratitude is realizing just how pissy and ungrateful you currently feel. You can’t choose to slow down if you don’t notice how fast you’re moving.

Notice your breath. If you’re so worked up that you can’t remember what you’re supposed to notice, just breathe. Breathing, and noticing your breathing, is an easy and effective way to get a little space from the chaos. Slow down your breath or count your inhales and exhales or take three deep breaths. Just breathe.

If noticing is a shift in your awareness, then pausing is a shift in your behavior.

The pause isn’t about a plan; it’s about activating your parasympathetic nervous system (which calms down your buttons) and giving yourself a little time and space to calm those buttons down. Walk to the other side of the room, take a deep breath, put your hands flat on the kitchen counter and trace your fingers. Do whatever it takes to stay in the pause, because that’s where you’re going to find the answer to the eternal parenting question: What the hell do I do now? The answer is simple: Literally Anything Else.