Call It What You Want

by Brigid Kemmerer

Until last spring, I never knew there was a right way and a wrong way to kill yourself. If you put a gun to your temple and pull the trigger, it’s possible to survive.

I like her class because everyone shuts up and works. I don’t need to interact. And then I realize she’s saying, “… like you to find a partner for a group project that we’ll be working on over the next two weeks. Some work will be done outside the classroom, so you’ll need to be able to meet outside of school.”

insert rubbing hands and smirking emoji

I clear my throat. “I need a partner.” I might as well be saying, I need a colonoscopy.

“You knew she was asking for me. If you don’t want to be my partner, just say so.” “I don’t want to be your partner.”

I yank free An Ember in the Ashes, my latest fantasy read.

yessss

I don’t know if he thinks all her feminine supplies evaporated the instant her egg was fertilized, but whatever.

My life has collapsed to the point where a ninety-nine-cent cup of coffee with a stranger is meaningful.

I never really noticed before, but she’s very pretty. In an understated way.

“So, you know how people say the opposite of love is hate?” he says. I frown. This is the most surreal lunch period ever. “What?”

“People love finding the weak link that makes them feel superior. I see it in lacrosse all the time. Girl can’t keep up? Cut her down even more. If someone else is weak, it means you’ve got the advantage.”

“Get. In. The. Car.” My father’s voice could cut glass. “Not until you promise you aren’t going to interrogate me.” “I’m about to arrest you. Get in.” “YOU’RE GOING TO ARREST A PREGNANT TEENAGER?”

“When you’ve lost everything,” he says, “sometimes you don’t see anything wrong with taking a little back.”

My father used to say, “I don’t carry a grudge, but I have a functioning memory.”

“But now you don’t have money to buy lunch.” “And how is that different from any other day?”

“I have never before witnessed an existential crisis,” says Owen. “I feel like I should take your picture right now.”

People who ask want to know the answer. It’s different from people who judge without asking.”

Looking into his eyes, I know he would have answered my call after I found my father. No doubt about it.

We were from two different worlds once: popular boy and nerdy girl. We’re still from two different worlds: cop’s daughter and criminal’s son.

And my dad said, ‘A real man has no right to take what’s not offered.’ ”

To reconcile that the good memories didn’t vanish just because there were bad ones in there, too. All those memories are a part of who I am. The good ones and the bad ones.”

Behind her, my father sits silently. I’ve hated him for a long time. This is the first time I’ve hated her, too.

Other people don’t have the challenges we have, Owen. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have their own.”

“I’m not lost. I want to do the right thing.” “Most of us do,” she says ruefully. “The problem is that it doesn’t always look the same for all of us.”

Somehow, it’s different this time. Owen’s mother was right—doing the right thing really does mean different things to different people.

“Sometimes when we’re trying to protect the people closest to us, doing the right thing doesn’t always look so clear.”