When I Was You

by Minka Kent

I could easily draw a line, and on the other side of that line would be the woman I was before the attack. That woman, that version of me exists no more. Is that not the very definition of death?

It never fails to amaze me all the things people do when they think no one’s watching, the things they think they can get away with.

Bad people don’t sit around thinking about all the ways that make them bad.

Now I know with absolute certainty that people are selfish. They lie. Cheat. Steal. Hurt. Manipulate. Keep secrets. Wear proverbial masks. Even kill. Some of us can’t help but be self-serving, letting our egos and ids drive the car as we sit powerless in the passenger seat.

But once the body’s fight-or-flight response is engaged, there’s no shutting it off until the threat to safety has been removed—something I’ve learned during my recovery.

If there’s anything I’ve learned these last six months, it’s that friendships—true friendships—are priceless.

People get too comfortable living with their own assumptions. I’m convinced most of us prefer to shun the truth for reasons of our own.

“Money talks, wealth whispers,” and it’s a motto I’ve always tried to live by.

I’ve practiced my speech a dozen times since I arrived, waffling back and forth between classy and civilized to screaming and confrontational. I’m sure I’ll handle myself with dignity when the time comes, though. While I’d love to give it to this woman, I know I won’t regret taking the high road.

It’s amazing how easy it is to get people to trust you when you’re dressed in hospital scrubs and offer a compassionate “good doctor” smile to anyone who so much as looks your way. Perception is everything. And at the end of the day, people believe what they want to believe, and no one wants to believe someone who looks so nice could be anything but.

No one’s interested in the truth. Most of us just think we are. Sonya taught me that. At the end of the day, we just want to believe whatever makes us feel good inside. Whatever makes us feel safe. Whatever lets us sleep at night.