When I Was You

by Minka Kent

I could easily draw a line, and on the other side of that line would be the woman I was before the attack. That woman, that version of me exists no more. Is that not the very definition of death?

Life outside goes on. It never fails to amaze me all the things people do when they think no one’s watching, the things they think they can get away with.

For the first nearly thirty years of my life, I gave people the benefit of the doubt. I saw the good in them.

Now I know with absolute certainty that people are selfish. They lie. Cheat. Steal. Hurt. Manipulate. Keep secrets. Wear proverbial masks.

Some of us can’t help but be self-serving, letting our egos and ids drive the car as we sit powerless in the passenger seat.

But once the body’s fight-or-flight response is engaged, there’s no shutting it off until the threat to safety has been removed—

There’s an unspoken understanding I have with him that I’ve never had with anyone else, and while our friendship might be young and born of convenience, in a lot of ways I feel as though I’ve known him my entire life.

I’m convinced somewhere, deep down, that version of me is still in there. I’m still working on digging her out from beneath the pile of psychological rubble and emotional ash. I haven’t given up—it’s just taking longer than I expected.

That seems to be a theme in my life . . . people leaving without explanation.

People get too comfortable living with their own assumptions. I’m convinced most of us prefer to shun the truth for reasons of our own.

“Sometimes things happen in life that are beyond our control. We can only do so much.”

I’ve never been good at just letting things go. They tend to eat away at me and become unhealthy obsessions until they’re addressed properly.

I had my head smashed in once. I don’t need my heart shattered, too. I’ve already lost all my friends . . . I can’t lose him, too.

I just want to go inside. Be alone with my thoughts.

I squeeze past him and leave the kitchen, heading to my room and locking the door behind me. Not that I need to. It feels more like a metaphor than anything else. I need to guard my heart right now. I need that separation and distance.

At the end of the day, if Niall wants to be with her, he’ll be with her. Wasting my time comparing the two of us won’t change the fact that he kissed me when he clearly isn’t ready to move on from his marriage. The fact that Kate hasn’t signed the papers yet is an indication that there’s still hope for them, that it isn’t necessarily over.

That’s the thing about some people—they’re opportunists. They’ll take advantage of you if you’re not careful.

People end friendships over trivial things every single day. In the end, it’s not worth dwelling on if you can’t do anything about it.”

Everything you need to know about people can be found in the things they don’t talk about.

I’ll take her anyway I can. Dolled up. Dressed down. She’s the love of my life, and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world . . . which is why I’m about to give her the world.

No one’s interested in the truth. Most of us just think we are.

At the end of the day, we just want to believe whatever makes us feel good inside. Whatever makes us feel safe. Whatever lets us sleep at night.

It doesn’t matter what you say; if people believe you’re a doctor, most of the time they won’t argue with you when you make sweeping generalizations that sound like they’re rooted in intelligence.

What we have is deep, permanent, unspoken, and everlasting,

Lie. Cheat. Steal. Beg. Borrow. It’s the way it’s always been for me, the way it has to be for people like us, and we have to be smart about it, or we die with needles in our arms or bars on our windows.

Life dealt her a bad hand, too, but she always seemed to land on her feet no matter how hard she was thrown.

Everyone should get to see what the world looks like from an airplane window at least once in their life.

Some things aren’t worth the risk.

I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to be used like a pawn by someone you loved, someone who loved you.

All the horrible things she said and did, it was because she was hurting, and hurt people hurt other people.

She’s the only thing I’ve ever had and the only thing I ever want. She’s my constant. My everything.