Landon & Shay: Part One (L&S Duet, #1)

by Brittainy C. Cherry

“Shay’s amazing. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But I don’t deserve her. I honestly wish I could be more for her, but I can’t. I’m just me.” “And that is enough,” Maria whispered, squeezing my hand.

“Any woman would be lucky to be loved by a heart like yours—including my granddaughter. You don’t see what a gift you are to this world, to the people around you. But we want you in our lives. We need you in our lives. So, please, stop running. Place your feet on the ground and make peace with your demons. Stop fighting them and hold them. You’re not broken; you’re just complex. And the most beautiful things in the world have the most complex heartbeats.”

“Promise me one thing. Promise me that when you are feeling at your lowest, like you have nothing left to give…like your mind is slipping and swallowing you whole…that you’ll reach out to someone. It doesn’t have to be me, but just someone you trust wholeheartedly. Don’t drown in your head, Landon. Reach out. Because this world? It needs you. We need you. I need you here. So, don’t you dare think that you’re not important. Don’t you dare let those thoughts drown you. Promise me this.”

I didn’t want to be like him. I didn’t want to let go. But I was so fucking sad that my heart felt as if it was trying to claw its way out of my damn chest. Still, I didn’t want to let go.

“I’m not him,” I told myself. “I’m not Lance. I’m not him. I’m not him…I’m…not…him…” I blinked my eyes shut and took a few deep inhalations.

“Now, just to be clear, I read the letter, because I am a nosy grandmother and I worry about the two of your hearts. You mean the world to me, sweetheart, and so does Landon. He’s a good boy. A little banged up around the edges, but still worth loving.” “He’s really broken, isn’t he, Mima?” “Oh, honey…we’re all a little broken. If you think anyone in this world doesn’t have cracks, scars, and a story, then you’re not looking close enough. We weren’t brought into this world to be perfect; we were brought here to be human. To live. To feel. To hurt. To love. To cry. To exist. And with that, comes a few broken parts. You don’t have to be perfect to love or be loved. You just have to be brave enough to show the world your scars and call them beautiful.” “I love him.” “Yes, and once you read that letter, I think it will be pretty clear that he loves you, too. I want to warn you. Some of those words are hard, but I beg you to keep reading. The ending will always be worth the hard middle.”

When we first began our bet, you told me that I was fake, and that’s the truest thing I’ve ever been called. I am fake. I fake being popular. I fake loving parties. I fake being content with life. I fake fitting in. I am fake through every fiber of my soul, except for a small corner that’s real solely for you. I love myself when I’m with you. Each day I wake up and think of you, and I know why I’m here. I know why I’m fighting each day when everything feels hopeless. I know what the point is and that scares me. It scares me how much I love myself when I’m with you, because what will happen when you’re gone? Will I struggle to get out of bed? Will I struggle to exist in a way that looks normal to others? Will I be okay without you around? It kills me, Shay. It kills me how I break down, how I crumble under the smallest ounce of pressure. It kills me that I snap so easily and have all this rage inside of me that I’m not sure how to control. It kills me that I hurt you. I hate me for hurting you. You are the realest thing in my life, and I had to push you away, because I don’t think I’m what you need. What you deserve.

I went cold turkey, and then came you. You threw me for a loop. You brought light into a world that I thought would always be encompassed with shadows. You made me wish and hope and dream of a future I never really thought about. I don’t want to die, Shay. For the first time in my life, I want to live. I want to find a way to feel alive on my own. The way I feel when I’m around you is how I want to feel when I am alone. I want to sit in the darkness and be okay with the sound of my own heartbeats. I want to not struggle to get out of bed. I want to be okay with being by myself. And then, I want to have you. I want all of you, Shay, but not like this. I want to get my mind right first, fix myself, so I can be yours. So, this is my formal letter to let you know that I’m working to never be fake again. I won’t fake being popular. I won’t fake loving parties. I won’t fake being content with life. I won’t fake fitting in. It will be real. I’ll be real first for me, and then for you.

I’m going to get help. I want to get better. I want this life more than I ever thought I could, and that’s because of you. You awakened my spirit after so many nightmares, and for that, I owe you the world. I love you. -Landon. P.S. I love you. I said it once so you’d hear me. Twice to leave an imprint.

I pulled out my phone and sent him a message. Me: How’s your heart tonight? It took him a few hours to answer, but relief swept through me as my phone dinged later that night. Landon: Still beating.

I was almost certain I’d spend the rest of my life smiling whenever I was near her. She had a way of pulling them out of me.

“A few years ago, I was on one of those stupid field trips to a farm. I was probably high as a kite, and my mind wasn’t the most stable in the world, but I remember seeing this chicken with a bunch of baby chicks running around with her. They were so little. Pure and beautiful. There was something about them that stood out to me. Something that reminded me of you. The next day at school, I called you Chick, and you hated every second of it, but I loved it, because whenever I called you that nickname, I knew a part of me was calling you pure and beautiful.”

“She has a friend who said we could stay with them out there, but we can look here if need be. We can find doctors out this way. I can figure out a way to get better and still be near you, Shay. Just tell me to stay, and I’ll stay.” Her lips parted, and she shook her head. “I want to say those words. I want to be selfish and tell you to stay here with me so we can be an us, but I can’t do that. Truth is, if you stay, I’ll love you. If you go, I’ll love you even more. Because that would be you doing something for yourself. Your healing is of the utmost importance here, Landon. And if the best doctors are out there in California, then that’s where you should go. And also, you’ll be able to be with your mom more often.”

Shay raised my hands to her mouth and kissed my palms. “This is a good thing, even though it feels a little sad.” “I didn’t know good things could be sad.” “Yes…” She gave me a halfway grin. “But I always knew that sad things could be good. You’re living proof of that. Let’s make a promise to each other. When you find you, come back here,” she said, placing her hand over her heart. “Come back to me. But please, by all means, take your time. I’ll be here, I swear. I want you to find me, but not at the chance of you losing yourself. Take your time. Heal. “Find yourself, lose yourself, then find yourself again. Do some soul searching, Landon. Go deep. Laugh, cry, discover. Do some digging, but don’t you dare rush this. Don’t you dare try to skip a few steps in your healing to just get back to me. I’m here. I’m here today, I’ll be here tomorrow. But, Landon, please…” she whispered, placing a hand on my cheek. Her forehead fell against mine, and my lips brushed against hers as she spoke the most important words into my soul. “Go slow.”

He kissed me and I loved it. I loved him.

We watched the show, we fell deeper in love, and when it was time for me to go, I held on a little longer. He walked me to my car and held the door open for me. “I don’t want to say goodbye,” I told him. “I never want to say goodbye.” “Then let’s just say goodnight.” A small smirk fell to his lips as he spoke to me. “Good night, good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow.” My smile grew, and the butterflies he’d always delivered me came back in full force. “That I shall say good night till it be tomorrow,” I finished the Romeo and Juliet line. He leaned in and kissed me. “No regrets?” he whispered against my lips. “No regrets,” I replied.

They were tears filled with hope for Landon. He was going to be okay. Then, he’d come back to me.

If the past few months had taught me anything about life, it was that it wasn’t always easy, but there was something beautiful to be seen in every situation. Every now and then, I’d receive a message from Landon, asking me about my heartbeats, and I’d shoot him my reply. Then, he’d do the same.

A part of me knew our story wasn’t over. A part of me knew we’d only tapped into the beginning of the Landon and Shay story.

Even though we didn’t carve our names into the willow trees, I knew his initials were forever imprinted against my heart. And whenever it beat, it was beating for him.