Landon & Shay: Part One (L&S Duet, #1)

by Brittainy C. Cherry

But I loved her. I knew I did. How could I not? Maybe I always had, even when I hated her. Loving Shay came as easy as the wind. It pushed through my system and left me completely breathless. I was making love to her, and she didn’t even know it…she didn’t know my feelings for her, she didn’t know how she woke up the sleeping parts of me. She hadn’t known how her existence made me better. So, I made sure she felt it. With every thrust, kiss, and moan, I fed her my love. I filled her up inside, hoping she knew, hoping she’d feel it, hoping she’d feel my feelings for her.

I think she felt it, too. I think she felt the love.

Two movies for me, two movies for her. We laughed, too, which was something I thought I’d never be able to do on my birthday, but Shay had a way about her. She was able to make me laugh even when I thought it was impossible. Somehow, she managed to return my wild heart to a calmness only she’d ever been able to provoke. She made the darkest days feel like the sun.

“Shay?” “Yes?” “Stay with me tonight?” I choked on the words yet still got them out of my soul. I wasn’t above begging her to stay with me. I wasn’t above falling to my knees and requesting she stay by my side. All I knew was, whenever she was near me, I felt a little bit better. I felt a little less alone.

But when we reached my bedroom, I pulled her into a kiss. I pressed my lips against hers and whispered a lie. “I hate you.” She smiled against my lips. “I hate you, too.”

I went to shut off the lights, and she placed a hand on my hand, shaking her head. “No, Landon…please…” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed my lips as she whispered, “I want to see you. I want to see all of you. Love me with the lights on.”

She now knew the parts of me I’d kept hidden for so long, and still… She stayed. That night, I fell asleep with her in my arms, and I knew there was no part of me that deserved her. But still. She stayed.

On the refrigerator was a note: Open me. I pulled the fridge open, and there was the big box Shay had brought, sitting on the middle shelf. I pulled it out and opened it to find eight perfectly frosted cupcakes, each one with a letter written on it. I H A T E Y O U A note was next to that, and I read it over and over again. Happy Birthday, ya filthy animal. -Chick P.S. Don’t worry, I still hate you, but every birthday boy deserves a cupcake. I picked up a cupcake and took a big bite. Damn. It tasted absolutely amazing. Fuck, Chick. I hate you, too.

“You’re really going to do it, aren’t you?” Monica asked. “You’re really going to choose Shay?” “I’ll choose her if she chooses me.”

Do you care about this girl?” “I love her,” I said with confidence. “Love.” Mom breathed out, placing her hand over her heart. “My baby boy is in love.”

“You’re amazing,” I said somberly, feeling completely guilty for what I was about to tell her. “Do you know that? Do you know that you’re an amazing person?” Her cheeks reddened a bit. “Don’t do that.” “Do what?” “Make it so easy to fall for you.

“Landon,” she said sternly, placing her hand against my chest, “how’s your heart?” Chills raced through me. “Still beating.” “Good,” she muttered, nodding slowly, “good.”

“It’s okay, Landon, because I love you,” she repeated. “I love you, I love you, I love you. And I know this means I’ve lost the bet. I know this means you win, and I don’t even care because I love you, and loving you makes me feel like a winner. I just wanted to tell you that, because I couldn’t keep it in much longer. You don’t even have to say it back. I don’t care. Because I don’t think you tell people you love them just so you can hear it back. I think you tell people you love them because it feels like a rocket in your soul. The love becomes so powerful that it shoots through you until you’re finally forced to express it through words. So yeah,” She laughed nervously and shrugged her shoulders. “This is awkward, but I love you, Landon Harrison. I love you in the light and in the dark. I love you like a whisper and like a shout. I love your good days and your bad days, and I…love…you. All of you. Every single piece…” She began fiddling with her fingers, and her T-shirt collar moved between her lips, “And every single scar.” I moved in closer to her and placed my forehead against hers. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, breathing her in. “Why would you love someone like me?” I asked. “Because it’s impossible not to.”

Landon: How’s your heart? I smiled at his words. Me: Still beating.

“I can be her future.” “No.” She shook her head. “You have to be her past. She deserves a fresh start. A new beginning. Please,” she pleaded, “I’m begging you to leave her alone. In the future, you’ll thank yourself for not placing your heavy bags against her shoulders.”

The list was long, detailed, and damn accurate. What could Shay give me if we were together? Happiness. Joy. So much fucking laughter. A feeling of home. A safe place to fall. Hope. Love. Her mind, body, and soul. Her light. And what could I give her if we were together? My scars. My panic attacks. My heaviness. My mood swings. My pain. My depression. My darkness.

She was being that perfect person that I’d fallen in love with. She was standing there with care and concern. Her brown eyes were wide with love. She didn’t even have to tell me about her love. I saw it in the way that she looked at me. Shay Gable looked my way as if I was a prize. As if she saw something in me that I’d yet to discover. I fucking loved how she looked at me. I hated that I’d never be able to live up to those expectations.

I hated myself for being so cold toward her. I hated how my mind was all messed up. I hated…myself. Shit. I hated myself.

“What did I do wrong?” What did she do wrong? She was blaming herself, even though there was nothing she could’ve ever done wrong— besides falling for a guy like me. I was watching as it happened, as my coldness began to break her heart. She might’ve been able to read me from day one, but over the past few months, I’d learned how to read her right back. I was hurting her, cutting into her heart and leaving her there to bleed.

“Look, I didn’t want to tell you right away because of all the personal shit you’re going through, but since you’re being so dramatic about it, I’ll tell you now. I won.” “Won? Won what?” “The bet.” I gave her an asshole smirk, and my heart died while I did it. “Don’t tell me you actually thought I was falling in love with you? Come on, Chick. This was never real. It was a game—nothing more, nothing less.” She went to take a step backward from shock but bumped into my car. “What are you talking about?” “This thing between us, it wasn’t real. It was never real. I was bored, and the bet was a good way to pass some time. But it’s over now, and I don’t want anything to do with you. After this show’s over, we don’t ever have to cross paths again.”

“No,” she whispered, shaking her head. “No. We were real. This is real. I don’t know what happened to you, Landon. I don’t know why you’re talking like this, but I know you. I know your heart and how it beats. I know your truths. Remember? Only truths. No lies.” My damaged heart was shattering second by second. “It’s all been lies. Nothing was real about this.” “You...” She shut her eyes. “You showed me your scars, though. You showed me everything.”

Shay: I don’t know what today was about. I don’t know why you shut me out, or why you’re pushing me away, but I just want to let you know that I’m thinking about you. I want you to know that you are good, and worthy, and loved. I won’t stop telling you that, Landon. Even if you push me away, I’ll still keep telling you that this world needs you here. When you’re ready to talk, I’m here. Fuck, Chick. It baffled me how someone so good could exist and want me. I didn’t reply back. Even though every part of me wanted to tell her I loved her in hopes of hearing she loved me, too.

She didn’t stop writing me each morning and night. During the school day and rehearsals, she’d still walk up to me and check to make sure I was okay. She’d ask me how my heart was, even though I refused to answer her. She was determined to make me not feel alone, and dammit, it was working. But I couldn’t have her, and she couldn’t have me—not in the way she wanted, at least. She deserved a full type of love, and mine was broken into pieces.

I had to break her heart completely to keep her from loving me anymore.

I noticed Shay the moment she walked in with Raine and Tracey. It blew my mind how quickly I could spot her in a crowded room. It was as if I was drawn to her energy, her light. Her. She chatted with people, giving them her grand smile and bubbly personality. She shined in groups of people, being able to talk to anyone about anything. It was one of the very things I had learned to love about her. Her charm. Her wit. Her everything. She was such a light in the world, and I was about to break her.

I gave her an accidental half smile. It was hard not to smile when you looked her way. Hello, brown eyes.

“I know I won, Sunshine. That was the whole point of the bet.” “Don’t call me Sunshine,” she hissed. Then stop being so bright.

I took it from her hands. “Hey, Raine? How is she?” She grew somber. “Heartbroken. Confused. Devastated. How are you?” Heartbroken. Confused. Devastated. I shrugged. “I’m okay.” She smiled a sad grin. “Liar.”

I didn’t really care much either way. My mind wasn’t on college. I couldn’t think of what major I wanted to go into, what classes I wanted to take, because the only thing crossing my mind was Shay. I missed her. I missed her so much, and I hated myself every time I thought about what I did and how I pushed her away.

The alcohol burned my throat as it went down, and I hated every second of it, but I kept drinking it because I thought it’d help drown out the memories of Shay. Unfortunately, it didn’t. The thoughts of her only intensified.

Who knew the hardest war would end up being me against my mind? I was losing, too. I was completely slipping away from reality, day by day.

When love arrived, you couldn’t shut it off like a faucet. It kept pouring out of you, uncontrollably, even when you wanted the pressure of it to stop. I loved Landon, even though I knew I shouldn’t have. I loved his light and his shadows. I loved the way he wore a crooked grin. I loved his frowns. I loved his highs. I loved his lows. I loved him. Even when he didn’t deserve it. Even when he broke my spirit. My heart? My soul? My love? Still his.

“I told you. You don’t deserve to be alone. I know for some reason you think you do, but you don’t, Landon. No matter what.” Devastation sat in his eyes as he looked up to me. “I miss you,” he whispered. “I miss you so fucking much it hurts every single day.”

“Why did you lie?” “Because you deserve more than me. I did it so you wouldn’t love me anymore.” “Well,” I gently laughed and tried to keep my emotions in check. “It didn’t work.”

“Chick,” he muttered. “Satan,” I replied. “Tell me you don’t love me.” “I can’t do that.” “Yes, you can. Tell me you don’t love me. Please,” he begged. His lips brushed against mine as shivers raced through me. “No.” “Then tell me a lie,” he pleaded. “I hate you.” I breathed the words against his lips, and he swallowed them whole, as if they were the way to his existence. “I hate you, too,” he lied back to me, making a tear roll down my cheek. “But I hate you the most,” I swore. “I love you,” he told me, gently kissing my lips. It was so gentle that it almost felt like fiction. Like something I’d written about in my stories. Like a dream that finally came true. “I love you, too.” “But I love you the most,” he promised, and I felt it. I felt his love all throughout me. In my heart, in my soul, in my spirit. I also knew how hard it was for him to admit that. I knew Landon was sad. So, so sad, and so, so broken. And still, he loved me. That probably terrified the hell out of him.

“You’re all wrong about him. He’s not a monster; he’s not damaged…he’s good. He’s so good, kind, and gentle. Yet you all are so wrapped up in your fictional stories of who he is that you won’t even open your eyes to the truth.”

He turned around slowly with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m coming with you.” “No, Shay. You can’t. Didn’t you hear them? I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone.” “Stop it. Don’t let that crap get in your head, Landon. They are wrong. They are beyond wrong. Don’t let them allow your mind to start spiraling. Let me come with you. Let me stay by your side.” He cringed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I can’t, Shay. But can you do one thing for me?”

“I will for you. I’ll do anything for you.” He smiled, and I thought it was a real one. I moved in without permission and wrapped my arms around Landon’s body. I held on tighter than ever, needing him to feel me. To feel close. To feel wanted. “I love you,” I whispered against his neck as he pulled me in closer. I loved how we fit together. As if we were two puzzle pieces who finally found their way home. “I love you,” he replied, his voice so low and drawn out.

“Do you know why, though?” “No…” She looked at me with tears still streaming down her face. “Because you make him better. I see it when he looks at you. There’s a light I could’ve never pulled out of him. You’re fixing him. You’re turning him back on after he’s been shut down for so long, and I hate you for that. I hate you for being able to do what I never could.” “Monica—” “I love you for that, too,” she cut in. “I love you for giving him that light. His life has been dark for so long. Both of ours have. We’ve had some pretty shitty days together. But you’re making it easier for him. At least one of us deserves that.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Landon. I’m here. I’m always here.”

“You think I’m all these good things?” he asked, his voice shaky as he placed the notebooks down on the coffee table. “No. I think you’re more.” I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around his body. He put his hands on my lower back, holding me in place. “I’m sorry you’re so sad, Landon.” “Too sad. It’s too much for you.” “You’re never too much. I love your happy, and I love your sad. I love your light, and I love your dark. I love you. Every script, every page, every revision, every draft.”

He brushed his lips against mine and closed his eyes. “I needed you today, and you were there. I cannot thank you for being there for me, for being here for me. For being…you. You make the darkest nights feel like the sun. I love you,” he breathed out, “I love you. I…love…you…” We were just two kids who made a stupid bet a few months ago. Two kids who pushed one another. Two kids who pissed each other off, who made rude remarks, who battled each other tooth and nail. And then, somewhere in the midst of our hate, we accidentally fell in love.

“Can I have you tonight, Shay? Can I take you to my room and taste every single inch of you?” he muttered as his lips slowly nibbled at mine. “Can I be yours ton...

The second time, I asked him to show me his scars, and he did exactly that. It was a messy kind of love.

And that heartbroken boy? He was mine. Damaged. Broken. Disheveled. And mine.

“Thank you for staying.” “I’ll always stay.” He gave me a lopsided smile. “You’re everything good in this world. Do you know that?” “Ditto.”

All I knew was that I was tired. Each day felt more like a burden, and I was being weighed down.

I wished it were that easy. I wished depression was like a car, and I could simply push the brakes to slow down my mind whenever I needed a rest. I wished I could shut off the engine and be still for a small amount of time. But depression, for me, was the complete opposite of that. When my mind started driving, it hit the accelerator and took off at full speed toward a brick wall. Any day now, I was going to crash. Any day now, I was going to fall completely apart.

She smiled, and dammit her grin looked like Shay’s, and dammit, dammit, dammit, I missed Shay’s smile the most. And her laugh. And her eyes. And her small nibbling of candy.

“I’ve been working my whole life to make peace with my depression. It was a long battle of finding the right medication for my system and talking to the right people. I still see my therapist once a week. There seems to be this idea that if you have depression, you don’t deserve certain things in this world, and Landon Scott, that is a lie. You deserve more. More than your thoughts that lie to you. More than your doubts that you keep feeding yourself. More than your fears that you’ll never have a normal life. You deserve more.”