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March 15 - March 24, 2022
This is why EIPs can share tender moments at times, yet be unable to tolerate sustained closeness.
As you read about parental emotional immaturity, you might wonder whether you’ve been an EI parent to your child at times. That would be understandable because all of us have felt uninterested, overly busy, envious, agitated, or inconsistent at times. The difference is that for emotionally connected people, these are passing states that don’t interfere with their relationship capacity.
The fact that you would even worry about affecting your children puts you at low risk for emotional immaturity. Concern about being emotionally immature suggests you can self-reflect, feel empathy for others, and have a desire for psychological self-improvement, qualities rarely found in EIPs.
We all make mistakes or hurt others at times, but if you are interested in what goes on inside other people and sense their feelings, if you are careful to nurture your relationships and take responsibility for your role in a problem, you are by definition adequately emotionally mature.
All you have to do is notice how your child is feeling, listen to them with empathy, and let them know that they are securely held in your heart. Apologize when you’re wrong, take them completely seriously, forego sarcasm and mockery, and treat them with respect. When a child knows you are present, respectful, empathetic, and fair, they won’t feel the emotional loneliness you may have felt.
As part of your recovery from emotional takeovers by EI parents, you may have to reeducate yourself that bonding is not the same thing as a close relationship. As an adult, you might be better off investing in a deeper relationship with yourself, while lowering your expectations for the kind of relationship you can have with an emotionally unresponsive parent.
They magnify their parent’s good qualities so it seems they do have a connection, even if that parent might be emotionally destructive or distant toward them.
I’ve seen this with psychotherapy clients who initially describe their childhood and parents in glowing terms, only to realize later how little they received emotionally.
Many EI parents have such low self-worth that they can’t imagine that their presence and interest would matter so much to their children. It is nearly impossible for these parents to believe how much they have to offer just by being there for their children.
When you stop hoping that your EI parent might one day change, you can finally face how hurt, alone, and frightened you felt as a child. Awareness of the cost of these emotional injuries probably had to be suppressed in childhood so you could complete the business of growing up.
This suffering self (Forbes 2018; Perkins 1995) adapts to a dominating parent by staying powerless in life and passive in relationships.
The suffering self convinces you that self-sacrifice makes you a good person or at least more likely to be loved by others. But now this suffering self should be retired as the model for your relationships. Being active on your own behalf is much better than passivity and helplessness as a way of dealing with overbearing parents. As an adult, you can now take action toward what is best for your optimal energy and self-care.
You can’t change them, and you can’t make them happy. Even if you knock yourself out, the best you will do is briefly lessen their discontent.
Your heart will feel lighter once you accept that you can’t make them happy, fix their lives, or make them proud of you. It’s usually beyond them to think about your feelings, and they can’t sustain reciprocal emotional intimacies. They won’t listen to you for long, and nothing you do may ever be enough. They’ll continue to see you in the role as their child, not a full capable adult. They’ll exert dominance and demand to be the most important person in the relationship. Their interests will always come first, and even if you are a model adult, they may still be critical, demeaning, or
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If you learned in childhood that other people were more important than you, you might carry that over to adult relationships.
You’ll see how EIPs achieve emotional takeovers by making their needs seem compelling, and you’ll learn how to handle this without dissociating from yourself.
“I’m not going to be dictated by their urgency. I’m not going to allow them to come into my space and tell me how I have to be.”
By questioning their assumptions, you’ll actively protect your boundaries and independence. You no longer agree that it’s up to you to repair their self-esteem or stabilize their emotions.
If you grew up as the child of an EI parent, it probably seemed to you that some people really were more important than anyone else. For instance, in many homes, all eyes go to the EIP as soon as they walk in the door. They are the center of attention, and everyone instinctively watches them because no one can concentrate on anything else if the EIP is in a mood. The family mythology is that this EIP is extra special and family members try hard not to upset them.
You and that EIP are existential equals; no one is more important than anyone else. You’re neither their possession nor their servant.
Whatever it takes, you do it because you dread the fallout of their emotional destabilization.
From inside their distortion field, they act like you are the only solution to their pressing problems. But once their distorted self-importance no longer mesmerizes you, you will realize that, in the big scheme of things, they don’t have the right to take you over, nor do they matter more than you. There are two human lives to be considered, not just one. It’s not true that their needs make them more important or entitled than other human beings.
EIPs often use flattery to coax you into going along with whatever they want. They may act like you have all the answers or are uniquely strong and capable of fixing their problems. They tell you they don’t know what they would do without you. (My guess is that they would soon find someone else more willing.)
You are either wonderful or useless to them—with nothing in between.
It’s up to you to clarify the reality of things. Otherwise, you will be swept up in one drama after another, all seemingly urgent and desperate.
For self-protection, it pays to assess the reality of the situation and put their distorted views into perspective.
Given their emotional distortions, should you be taking their word for the true magnitude of their problem?
Don’t forget that in any crisis, there is much that EIPs haven’t considered because of their many distortions and fears. When faced with a serious problem, they panic. In their mind, the only answer is that someone must save them. They want you to jump in and join them in their black hole of desperation, followed by miraculously making it all better.
It’s up to you to decide what level of response from you makes sense, independent of the EIP’s pressure and wildfire emotions. What’s the level of actual need, if any? You have to be the one who examines this because they won’t. The proper response to any of their emergencies is not to jump in, but to step back and assess realities first.
Some EIPs will get huffy if you want to analyze things instead of immediately acquiescing. They are especially likely to feel betrayed if you suggest that their reactions might be causing some of their problems. They make it an issue of lack of love if you don’t agree straightaway to give them what they want. But you still can tell them you’re not sure their impulsive solution is the best answer, and because they’re asking for your help, you want to take time to think out other possible solutions with them.
If they refuse this, they are promoting the greatest distortion of all: that you don’t matter as much as they do. Fortunately, you don’t have to accept this offer of a skewed, one-sided relationship. You are under no obligation to put another adult’s needs ahead of your own. Explain that you don’t proceed with anything without thinking about it, and let them know you’d be happy to talk later if they’d be willing to take your needs into consideration too.
When EIPs have a crisis, they make you feel obligated to help.
No one but you has the right to define your obligation and duty in a relationship. The EIP’s urgency implies that you have no choice.
But of course you do. You are not a bad person for wanting to think it over or to look for ways to help without sacrificing your own well-being.
When EIPs are caught up in their distortion
fields, they panic and may not be able to see alternatives. This isn’t because the alternatives aren’t there; it’s because they don’t give themselves enough time to see them. Because EIPs rush through everything, you’ll feel pressured to jump in immediately.
But when you intervene too quickly, it confirms their belief that someone else needs to figure it out for them. This reinforces th...
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Just remember, you have the right to take your time and consider whether you really want to help or not. You don’t have to let yourself be coerced into helping against your better judgment.
However, you can correct their distortions by saying something nonthreatening like, “I’m not intending to be mean. Do you think it’s unloving to have a different viewpoint from yours?” Or you could say, “You and I see this differently, and that’s because we each have responsibility for our own lives.”
With volatile EIPs, it’s always a good idea to set limits with them under safe circumstances, such as speaking on the phone instead of in person or talking in places where other people are nearby for support or protection. When you talk to them, set your limits without being critical, judgmental, or getting in their face. You can try saying something like, “I know, I wish I could give you what you want, but I’m not going to be able to do that this time,” or “Yeah, I don’t blame you for being mad. It’s just more than I can do right now.”
When you incur an EIP’s judgment, it’s sometimes hard to figure out exactly what was so bad about what you did. They act appalled, but you don’t see how what you did was so horrible. Remember that EIPs think in emotional absolutes, which means that if you aren’t completely on their side, they may see you as the enemy.
Many adult children of EI parents suffer from intense, irrational fears about being judged and punished. These fears of punitive judgment can come from EI parents, older siblings, teachers, or any authority figure. When this childhood fear resurfaces, it feels terrifying, as if there were no hope and your downfall were imminent.
She lived in constant fear that someone in authority, perhaps a boss, was watching her like a hawk and waiting for her to fail. In her childhood, her moralistic parents had been so scrupulously judgmental and punitive that she never felt safe at home. They frequently punished her for things she didn’t even know she had done wrong. Betsy remembered as a little girl she only felt truly safe when she could hear her mother vacuuming or talking on the phone because then she knew she wasn’t about to be punished.
The good thing about judgment is that you have to agree with it in order to feel bad. They may judge you, but you alone determine whether you feel guilty or not. You can step out of any EIP’s distorted judgments as soon as you feel free to disagree with their opinions. You can decline to accept their criticism and make a distinction between what they’re saying about you and what you know to be true about yourself. Remember, just because an EIP feels something is true, doesn’t necessarily mean it is. You get to define yourself, not them. Decline their judgment if you don’t think it’s fair.
One of the most self-preserving things you can say to an EIP is “I need some time to think about that.” EIPs hate that phrase because, in their mind, there’s no need to waste time thinking. They don’t see why they can’t speed things along by telling you what to think.
EIPs like to tell you what you should do, even when the decision is clearly yours.
You don’t argue because you don’t accept the premise that your preference is anything to debate. You have made your decision. Arguing implies a legitimate contest of wills, and that, I hope, is not your goal.
Both Vicki’s mother and Jamal’s father were asserting their “right” to judge their adult children’s decisions.
They accepted their parent’s right to feel the way they did, but they didn’t agree to their demands.
Vicki and Jamal wisely didn’t argue with their parent’s feelings because how their parents felt wasn’t the issue. The only issue was their adult right to make their own choices.
