Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries & Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy

by Lindsay C. Gibson

As an adult, your job is to take care of your own emotional health, not try to win the approval of someone who may be thoughtlessly asking for more than you can comfortably give.

Unfortunately, worrying about others’ moods prevents you from focusing on how you feel and what you think. It would be much more productive to drop the worry and consider what it’s like to be interacting with them. You could ask yourself, How do I wish they’d treated me? How is this affecting me? Did I really deserve their behavior? You then would be thinking freely and considering yourself as important as they are.

Whenever you find yourself obsessing over whether someone is unhappy with you, shift into your own viewpoint and write about how their behavior makes you feel. Get back in your own shoes and come up with your own opinion about the situation instead of accepting their criticisms at face value.

Let’s say you are visiting your parents, and they react negatively to something you do. This could trigger a childlike reaction, making you feel helpless and immobilized by their criticism. But if you are ready for such predictable domination from them, you could stand there, look them in the face, and still think your thoughts. You wouldn’t be surprised by their behavior, nor would you renounce your adult mind and let them take over. You would just stay in touch with yourself and observe.

If others show disapproval, you could talk to

yourself and remind yourself that you have the right to your own thoughts and desires.

If they lay a guilt trip on you or criticize your values, you could remind yourself of your una...

EI parents feel justified in trying to brainwash you into their point of view. They first shut down your rationality by getting you upset and defensive. Under these conditions, you become more vulnerable and ultimately susceptible to what they tell you to think.

When you feel blamed for not doing enough, tell yourself: I haven’t done anything wrong. I can listen, but I won’t accept guilt. I’m not bad, and this isn’t all about me. It’s not my fault she’s disappointed. Her expectations were truly out of line. This will blow over, even if he’s acting like nothing will ever be right again. She expects more than I can give. I would never be able to do all that, nor would I want to. What she wants me to do would stress and debilitate me.

When someone loses emotional control, say to yourself: It’s not my fault that he can’t manage his emotions. She’s upset, but I’m still okay. The world is still turning. He’s doing his wrath-of-God act, but that doesn’t mean he’s right about this. Someone being upset doesn’t mean I have to let them dominate me. What’s she’s saying is an overwrought exaggeration. She’s trying to convince me this incident is the end of the world. It simply isn’t. When someone tries to dominate you and control your thinking, remind yourself: My needs are just as legitimate and important as his. As adults, we’re coequals. My life doesn’t belong to her. I can disagree. I choose my loyalties; he doesn’t get to claim my primary loyalty. My worth is not defined by how he feels toward me. These are just her opinions; she doesn’t own me.

When you accentuate and dwell on positive experiences, you become immune to EIPs who use fear, guilt, and shame to control your mind.

It is no longer up to everybody else whether you have a good day or feel like a worthwhile person.

EIPs’ emotional demands can make you feel guilty and ashamed for having your own thoughts, thus immobilizing your ability to think for yourself.

This understanding of yourself was impacted by how people treated you when you were growing up. Their behavior told you a story about who they thought you were. As a child, you had no choice but to learn about yourself through their eyes.

Establish your worth. Identify your values and life philosophy. Fill in the blanks in your self-concept. Define your own self-characteristics. Find role models and mentors.

The way out of a drama triangle is to see people as responsible for their own behavior and well-being.

“You and I have different opinions on that one,” “That’s not the choice I want to make,”

“While that would work for you, that’s not my style,” or “Thanks, but I can’t do that.” If

“I don’t have a reason. I’m just n...

Whenever you feel pressured to give in, take a breath and enjoy the fact that you are free to say no to anything you don’t like. You don’t have to explain; your preference is good enough. “I don’t care to,” “No thanks,” or “Not for me” can be the absolute end of the conversation.

EIPs see you as cold and uncaring if you don’t jump into their problems with both feet.

This kind of self-concept is your birthright as a human being.

As you put your self-connection first, you’ll be capable of a new kind of relationship with your parents—one in which you’re much more self-aware and self-protective. In many ways, this will be the relationship you’ve always wanted because it’s the relationship in which you can finally be yourself around them.

It hasn’t just been about how they treated you, it’s also about how you’ve overlooked yourself in order to get along with them.

It’s as if you unwittingly “signed” a relationship contract with them in childhood without realizing what it would cost you in your adult life.

See yourself as equal in importance to them. (“I am just as important as they are.”) Keep a conscious self-connection and accept yourself unconditionally. (“I have good stuff inside me.”)

You’ll explain what would be best for you without shame or apology because there’s nothing shameful about being on an equal footing.

Now they’re trying to emotionally coerce me and make me feel bad. Now they’re inviting me to spin up into their drama triangle. Now they’re on the “me” channel. Every topic goes back to them.

Now they’re dismissing and disrespecting my inner experience. Now they’re questioning my right to have my own feelings and thoughts. Now they’re challenging my duty to take care of myself first. Now they’re making me feel guilty so they can seem blameless.

Productive communication styles are honest, nonjudgmental, neutral in tone, and empathetic to the other person’s viewpoint.

The goal of these methods is to listen without becoming defensive while still knowing what matters to you.

In any relationship, refusals and boundaries are necessary to protect your well-being. You don’t have to make excuses or give explanations. You can just say, “No, I really can’t,” or “That won’t work.”

Unlike normally sensitive people, however, EIPs make it hard to refuse them. They may question your refusal by saying things like, “Why can’t you do it?” Or they might try to problem solve your decision, saying, “Well, couldn’t you do it if you…?” followed by a suggestion. No reasonably polite person would keep on like that, but EIPs act like your time belongs to them. If they still persist after you refuse, you can say: “Do you need me to give you more reasons? I’m afraid I can’t,” or just give them a helpless shrug.

EIPs and EI parents will often sulk or act wounded, prompting you to rescue them. If you jump in to pacify them, you are encouraging more regressive, guilt-inducing behaviors.

For instance, my client Sandy had a very emotional mother, Cora, who would withdraw in tears to her bedroom when something happened she didn’t like. Sandy usually felt bad and followed after her mother, asking her questions and trying to make her feel better. Sometimes Cora would prolong this attention by refusing to talk or accept comforting until Sandy had persisted for several minutes.

The important thing in these examples is that there was no blame, shame, or attempt to change the parent’s emotion.

The anger may be negative in tone, but as long as it is expressed logically, in words, on topic, without abusive language or behavior, and is directed only at the person or problem in question, it’s still at a pretty mature level.

Your EI parents may not have given you all the love you needed, but they played an essential role in your learning to love, and that is also an important thing.

just don’t forget to stay equally attached to yourself as well.

As long as you don’t give yourself up to keep a relationship with them,...

You can honor your deep family bonds with them, yet still protect your autonomy and freedom to be who you really are.

1. The Right to Set Limits I have the right to set limits on your hurtful or exploitative behavior. I have the right to break off any interaction in which I feel pressured or coerced. I have the right to stop anything long before I feel exhausted. I have the right to call a halt to any interaction I don’t find enjoyable. I have the right to say no without a good reason. 2. The Right Not to be Emotionally Coerced I have the right to not be your rescuer. I have the right to ask you to get help from someone else. I have the right to not fix your problems. I have the right to let you manage your own self-esteem without my input.

I have the right to let you handle your own distress. I have the right to refuse to feel guilty. 3. The Right to Emotional Autonomy and Mental Freedom I have the right to any and all of my feelings. I have the right to think anything I want. I have the right to not be ridiculed or mocked about my values, ideas, or interests. I have the right to be bothered by how I’m treated. I have the right to not like your behavior or attitude.

4. The Right to Choose Relationships I have the right to know whether I love you or not. I have the right to refuse what you want to give me. I have the right not to be disloyal to myself just to make things easier on you. I have the right to end our relationship, even if we’re related. I have the right not to be depended upon. I have the right to stay away from anyone who is unpleasant or draining. 5. The Right to Clear Communications I have the right to say anything as long as I do so in a nonviolent, nonharmful way. I have the right to ask to be listened to. I have the right to tell you my feelings are hurt. I have the right to speak up and tell you what I really prefer. I have the right to be told what you want from me without assuming I should know. 6. The Right to Choose What’s Best for Me I have the right not to do things if it’s not a good time for me. I have the right to leave whenever I want. I have the right to say no to activities or get-togethers I don’t find enjoyable. I have the right to make my own decisions, without self-doubt.

7. The Right to Live Life My Own Way I have the right to take action even if you don’t think it’s a good idea. I have the right to spend my energy and time on what I find important. I have the right to trust my inner experiences and take my aspirations seriously. I have the right to take all the time I need and not be rushed.

8. The Right to Equal Importance and Respect I have the right to be considered just as important as you. I have the right to live my life without ridicule from anyone. I have the right to be treated respectfully as an independent adult. I have the right to refuse to feel shame. 9. The Right to Put My Own Health and Well-Being First I have the right to thrive, not just survive. I have the right to take time for myself to do what I enjoy. I have the right to decide how much energy and attention I give to other people. I have the right to take time to think things over. I have the right to take care of myself regardless of what others think. I have the right to take the time and space necessary to nourish my inner world.

10. The Right to Love and Protect Myself I have the right to self-compassion when I make mistakes. I have the right to change my self-concept when it no longer fits. I have the right to love myself and treat myself nicely. I have the right to be free of self-criticism and to enjoy my individuality. I have the right to be me.

We discovered together how to move from the confusion of growing up with EI parents to the lightness of being that comes from deeply understanding what you’ve been up against and transforming constricting patterns into new strengths.