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I become the bad guy to protect the good guys. I signed up for it.”
“Turns out I needed you then…and I still need you now, even after you broke my heart.”
“And I’m terrified that’s never going to stop.”
She’s in my bed, and whether or not we’re supposed to be, we’re deep inside the other in a way we can’t seem to break. It’s more than love, it’s a friendship, a connection that’s so profound it’s infinite. She’s here. It’s the only thing that helps me drift to sleep.
He shakes his head, and I see the emotion building in his eyes and immediately understand. He’s there, recalling every look, every word, every promise we made. And this is the one we’re keeping, together, because it’s what saved us.
was entranced the minute I set foot on his property—the moment I laid eyes on him. I’ve been burning images of him to memory all day.
“What are you thinking?” I don’t hesitate. “I want you to be happy. I want it more for you than for myself.” My answer surprises him. “The feeling’s mutual, Scottie.” “I have to know you, Chris. I don’t ever want to not know you.” It’s the absolute truth. He tugs his full bottom lip through his teeth before he speaks. “I don’t see how that can be.” I nod. “I know. But it doesn’t make it any less true.”
“Katy,” he whispers, “let’s go for a run.”
We’re running. We’re running far and fast, just as I’d imagined, without any boundaries, while the sun and the breeze spur us on. We’re claiming our freedom, and greedily we’re taking it, because we earned it, together. He’s with me, pointing it out, urging me to steal this moment with him as his warmth spreads from the tip of my head to my toes. Tightening my hold, I press myself as close as I can get as the words fall easily from my lips. “I love you,” I murmur to his back. “I love you.”
She shuts her eyes tightly as her hips start to sway a little. She bursts out with nervous laughter, and I know in this moment I will never love another human being the way I love her.
“Dance for me,” I beckon as she opens her eyes, her smile dying as she reads my plea. “Lord, you could talk a nun into joining a sex club. You’re too damn pretty for your own good.”
Her subtle smile is still there, but it’s in her eyes that I see the shift from rolling waves to tide, and I get swept away. In them, for the first time since I kissed her in that hotel room months ago, is what I’ve been searching for—permission.
“I’m in love with you,” I declare. “Damn me to hell for it, but I’m in love with you, Christopher Briggs, and I’m tired of not being able to say it.” He flinches visibly as if he wasn’t expecting to hear it, while I stand there uncovered between us.
“Say it again.” It’s a demand—one that I oblige with every beat of my selfish heart. “I’m in love with you. I love you.”
“You, I want you,” I whisper, as I dip in and hold his thick length in my hand. My mouth waters as I pump his cock between us, using my free hand to caress the bare skin of his rock-hard ass.
“Who’s touching you?” His voice is pained, and I know he’s remembering a time I want so desperately to forget. “You,” I answer without hesitation. “Who’s inside you?” “You, Chris,” I whimper.
And it’s there, on that blanket under a glittering moon, that we collide.
Ocean blue meets amber sunset. And it’s beautiful. It’s healing. It’s life-altering. It’s inevitable.
“Gavin was the only one, before…” she says softly, “and you’re my only after.”
Scottie was never mine to take, but I’d taken her anyway because I didn’t know how to stop myself.
I still can’t hear the eerie swing of the pendulum that normally haunts me, so I dive.
It’s only when she’s lax in my arms, her breathing deep, that the swing comes back, and it’s all I can hear.
“He doesn’t want you anymore, so you came to me for what you needed.” His fist connects violently, making the bag jump on the chain. “Did you get it?” He doesn’t wait for me to speak; he just starts throwing harder. “Or was fucking me supposed to be enough to pacify me? I’m not supposed to want more, right? I’m not allowed to.”
“I think I hate you a little,” he says with a sigh, “because at least before I didn’t know what the other side felt like. I had no fucking clue,” he chokes and hugs the bag as I take a step forward. “Get away from me, Katy!”
“You hadn’t been in my life, in my bed, and now you’re everywhere. This is our place now, isn’t it? You made sure of it.”
“So, thanks for stopping by,” he says with a sarcastic laugh, “good times, right?”
“Tell me what to say,” I sob as he crouches down on his knees, trying to regain his composure.
“Say goodbye and mean it. I don’t want to see you again, Katy. I’m sorry, but it has to be this way. At least…” He shakes his head.
“At least,...
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“At least in that bunker, I knew you were mine. I’m jealous, and I hate myself for it. I’ve fallen so far that there’s no going back, onl...
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“Please tell me what to say.” He rises to his feet with something that resembles hate in his eyes. “You really need me to give you the words? How about you state the fucking obvious, Scottie. Say you’re mine. Say this life with me is what you want.” “I spent two blissful days with you. I’ve been married for six years! Stop making it seem so simple.” “Then stop being so goddamn selfish and release me from this!”
“Can’t you see, Katy? I’m still fucking fighting for you.”
“Even when you’ve given me every reason not to.”
“I love you, Briggs, heart, and soul. But I can’t give you definitive answers because I don’t have them right now. I’m sorry it’s not enough, but this love we share is yours, and it’s only yours.”
“What does it matter?” he asks, his face revealing every ounce of defeat, “if he’s got you?”
“Please! Please don’t walk away from me! Not like this, please, these can’t be the last words we say. If you’re done with me, be done with me, but don’t walk away.”
“I’m not watching you do it again. I can survive being a soldier, I can survive another war, but it seems I can’t survive loving you. If I have to let you go, you have to let me go too.” He leans in on a whisper. “I love you, Katy, let me go.”
Maybe time will give back what it took away, and I’ll be the wiser for it. Maybe…eventually. For now, my heart is the reckless navigator, and I, a reluctant passenger, unable to escape the way I love him.
It’s here on these steps, I let the rest of me suffocate under the heavy. It’s here that I know I lost the other half of my heart. It’s here that I accept my fate.
“What did you do, baby? What did you do?”
“You ran to him, didn’t you?” Endless evidence of my deceit trickles down his cheeks before pooling at his lips. “You didn’t even give me a chance to win your heart back.”
“What did you fucking do?”
“I meant every word of that letter when I wrote it. I meant forever when I said it. I meant I love you the day you left me, and every day since.”
“We both made promises, Katy, but I kept mine. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and you can both fucking go to hell,”
“I—we—aren’t together.”
“Yeah, he’s going back, isn’t he? Looks like he’s got dif...
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“Forever.”
“Sammy?” “Yeah, babe?” “Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?” “Which one?” “Exactly.” She tosses me a look over her shoulder, and I see her threatening tears. “I think the better question is—can you forgive yourself before the bomb drops?”
I’ll get them all for you, Scottie. I’ll make them fucking pay.
Of all the things loving her has taught me, I know this much to be the truth: even when love is convoluted, it’s real.
