Heartbreak Warfare

by Heather M. Orgeron

“Katy,” I try again, and finally her eyes snap to mine. I swallow down a lump of emotion. “I’m here.” Her eyes dart away.

“I’m so fucking sorry.” She shakes her head. “Don’t. We’re leaving, Briggs. Tell me your plans.” “I don’t have any.” “Tell me,” she begs. “Please.” “I’m going to teach you how to ride a horse.” Tears surface as the ground quakes above us. “I’m counting on it.”

As I close my eyes, one thought runs through my head, felt with the deepest conviction. I’m going to love you, Katy Scott.

Fear flickers through my thoughts briefly as I watch her through the glass, wondering what I’ll feel when the day comes that I can’t lay eyes on her anymore.

“You’re still beautiful, full of life, and so strong. So fucking strong.” His voice cracks. “Even with me, especially with me, but you don’t have to be, Scottie—not with me. You don’t have to be strong. It’s not your fault.”

“I know that.” I duck away from his scrutiny. “I know exactly what it was.”

“It’s my fault. They saw it. They saw what…” He falters as he pulls his chair in closer and runs a hand down his face. “If...

“And I wasn’t? We needed each other,” I whisper before I let what I’m thinking pass through my lips...

“I don’t want to worry about what that means; I just want to be okay with needing you.” I hold out my hand, and he shakes his head.

“Scottie—”

“Please, p...

“Don’t. Please don’t.” “Jesus, Katy.” “Please, just stay.” He leans forward, burying his forehead on the side of the bed. “They’d have to throw me out.” “Don’t let them,” I murmur before I lay back, never letting go of his hand.

Maybe it was the idea, the strength of a soldier, that appealed to me. But without him, Briggs, I feel little. We’re finally free, capable of conversation without being in shackles, and where is he? Anger courses through my veins as I’m escorted to a hotel, in wait for the plane home.

Opening the door, I take a step back as he walks in, and my world stops turning. The air no longer moves. My heart actually skips a beat. I don’t blink…I can’t seem to formulate a coherent thought and judging by the look on his face he can’t either.

We stand inches apart, but with the way that I yearn for his touch, it may as well be oceans.

“I know you, Scottie…” His voice breaks as he shakes his head in disbelief. “I know you.”

“Please…” I whisper back, placing my hand over his racing heart, unsure of what I’m asking but positive he knows the answer.

“I need to—to touch you…” He balls his fingers into a tight fist. “Tell me no. God, Scottie, just…just tell me you don’t want this.”

Swallowing what little resolve I have left, I whisper softly, “I can’t.” My eyes lift to meet his—honey and wildfire.

“What exactly are you saying? I need to hear the words.” He takes a tentative step closer. “Tell me what you want.”

“Touch me.”

“I dreamed of this.” His big brown eyes convey so much sincerity. “So many nights I dreamed of what it would be like to be free from those chains and to hold you in my arms. God, Scottie, tell me this is real. Tell me I’m not dreaming.”

“It’s the truth.”

It feels like I’ve been holding my breath for weeks…months…and he’s filling my starving lungs with new life. Reviving all of my dead parts, all the broken parts, if only for the briefest of moments.

And as I do that, I feel like a fraud, an undeserving wife, because it wasn’t those thoughts that kept me alive. It wasn’t Gavin, and it wasn’t even Noah. As his voice cracks with his final plea, I know for certain I’m lost.

She’s going home to her family, and I’m going home with the memory of her.

As I approach, awareness spikes in her shoulders, and she turns her head, her eyes fixed on mine. In those ocean blues, I see an apology, and my heart plummets. She regrets it. We’ll never be more than what we were before that phone rang, before her life called her back.

“I have you until that plane lands, do you hear me, Scottie? You’re mine until those wheels touch the ground.”

“Jesus Christ, is it always this goddamn painful?” I say on a whisper. “What?” She straightens in her seat, her eyes alert. “What hurts?” I cover my chest. “This. What I feel. This. Fucking. Hurts.”

“I just…I can’t let you go without telling you how I feel, in case there’s even the slightest chance that maybe you feel the same way.”

“Don’t. Don’t stop me because then I may never finish, and I can’t live the rest of my life with that regret. This is purely selfish, and I realize that.”

“I’m not sure exactly when it happened, and I know that it’s wrong, but I’ve never been more certain of anything than I am about the way I feel for you. The timing is bad”—I cough out a sarcastic laugh—“it’s shit, and it won’t ever be right. You’re married…and you have a kid. Christ, I know his name. Noah. I know all of it—everything—because I asked. Because I had to know. And now I’ve become the asshole selfish enough to tell you how I feel, because even if you don’t feel the same and nothing ever comes of it…I need you to know that you are part of me now, the most precious thing in my life.”

“Don’t. It’s okay. I just had to know, had to be sure. Now I know.”

“I feel it too.”

“And I’m—I’m scared. I’m so scared to go home, feeling what I feel for you, but this has to end here. I do love my husband, and I love my son, more than life, and they don’t deserve this.”

“I may burn in hell for this, but I can’t help what I feel. We’re only given one shot at life, and no matter how much it hurts, I’m glad I took mine. There’s a reason we were thrown into that bunker together. I have to believe that. You were destined to be a part of my life. You’ve changed me. No matter where this journey takes us, when I close my eyes, it will be your face I see. When I breathe my last breath, your name will be on my lips. I need you to know that—for you to know how incredible you really are. In another lifetime, I know we’d have been perfect together, and I’m certain you feel that too. I see it in your eyes, and I felt it. I still feel it. And I have half a mind to beg life to repeat that hell, just to be with you. I’d do anything to keep you with me.”

“I wanted to know.” She brushes her tears away as she turns to me. “How you felt. I wanted to hear it from you. I’m selfish too. But I can’t say anything more that I can’t take back.”

“I’m not sure of anything. But I know this,” she whispers softly. “It only feels this way when it’s real. And there’s this whole other side, a side you deserve, a side I can’t give you.”

“Run far and fast, dance that sexy dance, have that second baby. Smile, Scottie. Lighten up, tell jokes, live a long and happy life, for me.” “Please don’t hate me.” “Not a fucking chance.”

“When you’re in pieces, I’m in pieces too, remember that.”

Noah pats her leg to get her attention, and she jerks at the touch. The whole table sounds with the shift of the plates as Noah jumps back, horrified. “Oh, baby, it’s okay, you just surprised me,” Katy says with regret. He frowns, a tell that he doesn’t believe her and doesn’t know what to make of it. His face falls, and hers follows suit. And that’s the moment I call hummingbird.

I grip the top of the headboard to keep myself idle. I want her back with everything inside me, and I’ll wait, for as long as it takes. I’ll wait.

She’s manic. I hate that it’s my first thought. My second is that she’s going to crash, and it’s going to be bad.

People use up all their sympathy and understanding in the first few days and weeks, and then they move on. They expect you to do the same. Suddenly your sadness makes everyone else uncomfortable, so you hide it. You hide it deep inside and let it eat away at you.

“I’ll be honest—at this point, I’d probably drown in grief if I didn’t go back. I need something else to focus on. Despite all that’s happened, I love my job; I’m still a soldier…this is all I’ve got.”

“Someday that’ll change.” She nods to herself. “You’ll meet a girl, and she’ll sweep you off your feet, and I hope you put her first. Before the job. Before the rush you boys love to chase.”

Too late, I think to myself, picturing S...

It’s then I realize that I’m only half the man she needs, because I can’t. I can’t help her. And her tears still won’t come.

I’m being faithful to a woman I have no future with. The notion is ridiculous. At this point, it’s either fight or fuck my way through it. I decide to try for option B. Breaking this hold I’ve put on myself is the only way to get over her. She’s not waiting for you. She never asked me for loyalty; she asked me to let her go. I’m the one who decided to love her from afar.

Just get it over with. That’s how I feel when I think about being intimate with him, and I know that’s anything but okay.