The Passion Paradox: A Guide to Going All In, Finding Success, and Discovering the Benefits of an Unbalanced Life

by Brad Stulberg

Passion Practices Everyone tells us to find our passion but no one tells us how to find it, let alone how to live with it. While most passions start off as positive endeavors, they often take turns for the worse. If you don’t proactively manage your passion, you put yourself at risk for: − Becoming a slave to external validation and results. − Burnout. − Regret. − Loss of joy. If you do proactively manage your passion, however, living with passion leads to improved health, happiness, and overall life-satisfaction. In other words, there is both good passion and bad passion. And what direction your passion takes is largely up to you.

Passion Practices Passion is fueled by a neurochemical called dopamine. Dopamine doesn’t make us feel good or content once we’ve achieved something; it makes us crave the chase. Some of us are born with an insensitivity to dopamine, thus predisposing us to feelings of passion and obsession. We are all, however, affected by the biology of passion. The more we pursue an activity that offers meaningful rewards, the more dopamine is released, leading us to build up a resistance over time. There is a biological reason why the wonderful feeling of passion cannot coexist with the wonderful feeling of contentment. Passion builds on itself: the more we push, the more we get hooked on the feeling of pushing.

Passion Practices Passion has not only biological roots, but psychological ones, too. The subjective feeling of struggle or “trauma” can be channeled into productive passions. Passionate pursuits often become psychological refuges, allowing you to hide from areas of your life that may be lacking: this can be both productive (keeps you from turning to destructive behaviors) and at the same time damaging (keeps you from confronting underlying issues). The same fundamental biology and psychology that give rise to passion also give rise to addiction; that’s why it is so important to proactively channel these drives in yourself and those you nurture.

Take a moment to reflect on your mind-set around passion. Do you hold a “fit mind-set”? If so, you’re not alone: Research shows that over 78 percent of people believe happiness comes from finding a hobby or job that they are passionate about from the outset. It’s important to beware of the pitfalls of a fit mind-set for passion: − You’re more likely to give up on new pursuits at the first sign of challenge or discomfort. − You’re more likely to sacrifice opportunities for long-term growth and development in favor of fleeting short-term pleasures. − You’re more likely to succumb to “midlife crises” as the activities you engage in evolve over time. − You’re less likely to find a lasting passion because you bounce from one not-quite-perfect endeavor to the next. Especially when first exploring new ideas and activities, don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Select “interesting” over “perfect.” Having an open mind and playfully exploring your interests is better than trying to find something that immediately feels perfect.

Passion Practices When an idea or activity interests you, give yourself permission to pursue it. Don’t be constrained by the story you tell yourself about yourself, or by your past experiences. Overcome the resistance that is “I couldn’t possibly do this” syndrome and allow moments of intrigue to capture your attention, even if they seem divergent from your current path. Remember that nearly all grand passions began as someone merely following their interests.

enduring motivation comes from satisfying three basic needs: competency, autonomy, and relatedness.6

Passion Practices Finding your passion can feel like a long and winding path, but there is a road map to make the process easier: − Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good: Resist the urge to assign too much importance to the initial excitement that comes with starting a new job, activity, or hobby. If you expect a perfect match from the outset, odds are, you’ll be let down. − Pay special attention to activities that meet your three basic needs: competence, autonomy, and relatedness. Meeting these needs is critical to sustaining the motivation required to turn an interest into a passion.

Passion Practices The best way to make an emerging passion a bigger part of your life is to pursue it incrementally. Following the barbell strategy—that is, sticking to something safe on one hand while you increasingly take risks to pursue your passion on the other—increases the chances you’ll succeed at making your passion a bigger part of your life. − You are more likely to take bigger and higher payoff risks when you know that failure won’t ruin you. − Even if you initially come up short, you’ll still be OK and thus can continue using different strategies to invest in your passion. Over time, gradually shift the equation, spending more time and energy pursuing your passion and less time on the “safer” stuff. At a certain point, you’ll reach a position to decide whether it’s time to go all in on your passion, to make some big changes so you can devote more of your life to it. This requires making a leap of faith. Remember: This kind of “faith” is not based on a premonition or gut feeling. It is based on confidence born out of realizing the fruits of practice. If you create a body of evidence that you’ll be successful for yourself (see this page), your leap won’t seem like that much of a leap at all.

Passion Practices Beware of your passion becoming obsessive. This happens when you become less passionate about doing an activity than you are about achieving external results and the validation that comes from doing that activity. When you are obsessively passionate, your sense of self becomes fused with the external results of your work. No amount of success is enough. If you crave external validation, you’ll always want more: more money, more fame, more followers. Behavioral scientists call this cycle of endless desire hedonic adaptation. Long before that, the Buddha called this suffering. When people who embody obsessive passion fail, experience setbacks, or even just plateau, they often feel completely devastated. As a result, obsessive passion is linked to anxiety, depression, burnout, and unethical behavior.

Passion Practices Fear can be a powerful short-term motivator, but in the long term, being driven by fear is unsustainable. Passions that are fueled by fear quickly become toxic. When we shed fear, we go from playing “not to lose” to playing to win. When we play to win, we take constructive risks that often lead to breakthroughs. Everyone has fears. Working to overcome them is often the key to sustainable passion, performance, and happiness.

Those who focus most on success are least likely to achieve it. Those who focus least on success, and focus on the process of engaging in their craft instead, are most likely to achieve it.

Passion Practices Harmonious passion occurs when you become passionate about an activity for the joy you get out of doing the activity itself. Harmonious passion is linked to health, happiness, performance, and overall life satisfaction. Harmonious passion does not happen automatically. It must be cultivated with deliberate intention.

Passion Practices Work to maintain your inner drive, or motivation that comes predominantly from within. − Adhere to the twenty-four-hour rule. After failures and successes, give yourself twenty-four hours to feel either sad or happy, then return to your craft. Getting back to work helps put external drivers in their place, behind the importance of internal ones. − Internalize drive from within as a core value: When you start to feel yourself getting overly emotional about failures, successes, or external validation, pause and reflect on what you like most about your work. Remind yourself that drive that comes from within is healthier and more sustainable than drive that comes from external sources. If you are a parent, coach, manager, or teacher, encourage internal over external motivation in those you lead.

Passion Practices Focus on the process, not on results. Yes, set goals, but rather than focusing too much on the goal itself, focus on the steps that are within your control to accomplish the goal. Remember that goals should serve as a direction, not a specific all-or-nothing endpoint. Celebrate little victories along the way. Doing so will help you sustain motivation in the pursuit of far-off objectives. Understand that if you thoroughly embrace the journey, you are more likely to arrive at the destination feeling good, confident, and satisfied.

Passion Practices The ultimate goal is to get better. “Better” doesn’t just mean improved objective results. Focus on continuous improvement over specific point-in-time results; doing so promotes harmonious passion throughout the good times and the bad. Be most intent not on winning or losing, but on becoming better—stronger, kinder, and wiser—than your past self.

Passion Practices Adopt the mind-set of a super champion. − Don’t become overly discouraged or saddened by failure. − Rather, view failure productively, as something that serves as critical information, as a microscope into areas in which you can improve. Remember that what feels like failure in the short term is often essential to your ability to make long-term gains.

Passion Practices Patience is not just a virtue; it is a skill that must be developed over time. Patience is critical to mastery and harmonious passion. The ability to stay the course and ride out valleys and plateaus separates good from great and harmonious from obsessive passion. One of the best ways to remain patient is to reflect on your purpose, or the overarching “why” that underlies your activity. Doing so reminds you why you’re in this (whatever your respective “this” may be) in the first place, and also creates some space between impulse and action.

Passion Practices When you engage in your passion, be intentional about removing distractions so that you can pay full attention. Carve out time, space, and energy for periods of single-minded focus. Remember: What is important doesn’t necessarily get your attention; what gets your attention becomes important. Be intentional about where you direct yours.

In summary, the mastery mind-set contains six key principles: Driven from within. Focus on the process. Don’t worry about being the best; worry about being the best at getting better. Embrace acute failure for chronic gains. Be patient. Be here now.

Passion Practices Adopting the mastery mind-set gives rise to harmonious passion, the best kind of passion, and a special sort of Quality: when you become so wrapped up in your activity that you’re hard to separate from it—you become one with it. In the midst of living with harmonious passion, we often feel more alive than ever. Harmonious passion comes with many benefits, such as enhanced vitality, performance, and life satisfaction. And yet there is still a cost of living with harmonious passion: everything else that you leave behind when you give your all to something.

Passion Practices Regardless of what all the self-help books may say, living with passion and being “balanced” are antithetical. There are many benefits of living an unbalanced life. Just think about the times you’ve felt most alive in your own life and answer the question, were you balanced? It’s OK to be unbalanced, so long as you don’t let the inertia of a passionate experience push you forward on autopilot without ever evaluating what you’re giving up as a result. Don’t strive for balance. Instead, strive for the self-awareness that is necessary to evaluate the unique trade-offs that passion requires making in your own life.

Passion Practices The inertia of passion can become overpowering. The best way to counter this inertia is through keen self-awareness. Self-awareness helps to ensure that you are deliberately choosing if and how to pursue your passion; that you remain in control of your passion, and thus remain in control of your life. Though it seems like you’d know yourself better than anyone, that’s not the case. Becoming self-aware doesn’t happen automatically. Rather, it requires intention and proactive strategies.

Keltner’s research has found that there are a handful of easily accessible experiences that tend to elicit awe in most people.12 Immersing oneself in lush, natural environments.*1 Watching the sunset, stargazing, or observing a full moon. Viewing artistic works. Listening to music that moves you. Looking for examples of extraordinary human kindness (e.g., spending a day volunteering in a homeless shelter). Observing a craftsperson at work using their unbelievable skill (e.g., watching LeBron James playing basketball or Bette Midler acting on Broadway).

Passion Practices One of the best ways to gain the selfawareness required to productively live with passion is to step outside your “self.” − Pretend a friend is in the same situation you are and then give advice to him or her about what to do. − Journal about the big decisions in your life in the third person and then reflect on what you wrote and how you felt when you were writing it. Another way to gain selfawareness is to ensure you regularly take a greater perspective. − Expose yourself to aweevoking experiences as often as you can. › Immerse yourself in lush, natural environments. › Watch the sunset, stargaze, or observe a full moon. › View artistic works. › Listen to music that moves you. › Look for examples of extraordinary human kindness in daily life. › Bear witness to a craftsperson at work using their unbelievable skill. Meditate. Become a student of mortality: Every so often, reflect on your own mortality by practicing the Five Remembrances and/or reading about death and dying. Becoming more self-aware is so important because it affords you the ability to evaluate the tradeoffs inherent to living a passionate life, and allows you to choose how to channel your passion.

Passion Practices The way you craft your internal narrative, or the story you tell yourself about yourself, is critical to moving forward from a passion. When it’s time to move forward from a passion, you shouldn’t deny or suppress the fact that your passion was a big part of your life; rather, you should embrace that fact, and build upon the lessons learned and experiences gained from your past in whatever it is you do next. Rather than moving swiftly to the next thing, you should create some time and space to reflect upon your passion and the impact it had on your life. Although your activity or pursuit may change, the deep personality traits that fueled your passion don’t. Harness these traits in the next chapter of your life.