The Last Black Unicorn

by Tiffany Haddish

It’s a big thing to have good hair as a black woman.

especially if it is natural! -wink-

I’d try to sleep pretty.

Dirty Ass Unicorn.

kids are cruel man...

wart

It’s easy to game school, once you realize that the rules are bullshit and you can get around them.

this is one reason why i would do it over. i know how the system works now, and how to get around it.

You know what it was? I just didn’t believe I could. I thought I was stupid.

competitive monologue.

“energy producer”

Energy producer is what white suburban people call a “hype man.”

Jehovah’s Witness is a religion. Your people is Jewish.”

My father’s from Eritrea, which is right next to Ethiopia. There are actually a lot of Jews in the Horn of Africa, and even though he was black, he was still Jewish.

She called that man and she drove me all the way to this man’s office, at his house.

grammar error

Rookie of the Year.

I was getting in trouble in school, that’s what got me into it.

but I didn’t think I was being racist. I thought I was being funny.

punctuation error

I didn’t want no drugs, I had seen how those fuck people up. So I went to the comedy camp.

amazing choice!

Dane Cook

Chris Spencer.

Harland W...

Quincy ...

Charles Fleischer

he does the voice of Roger Rabbit.

yay!

Richard Pryor.

That’s why I think my life turned out as good as it has. Because all the time, I’m just trying to have fun.

Wow, just like my real parents, my state parents don’t care either.

5150,

Crooklyn

Dad: “Because, you think you’re better than me!” Tiffany: “When did I ever say I was better than you?” Dad: “You walk around like you’re better than me.”

i know this song all too well. no, you just either BELIEVE i am better than you or that is what YOU think I think. but usually it is true. you are usually better than those people who have the nerve to call you out like that.

Your goodness holds up a mirror to his ugliness, and that is too painful for him, so he has to project this onto you, by saying you make him feel less about himself. It’s nothing you did. It’s guilt.”

Freaknik

I remember in that first conversation, all the red flags were there. The dude lived with his mama, even though he was twenty-one and had a job! I should have run, but I was twenty and dumb.

me too tha is basically when i met scotty. i shoulda known looolll

Suga Free.

I still had all these dreams and goals for myself that I wanted to accomplish, and here I was knocked up by this broke-ass loser.

i am glad that i never gave scotty the chance to do this to me. i gave him a whole lot of other things i should not have given him, but this was alwas hyperly in the back of my head. i may not have known wat the fuck i was doing at the time, but at least i was not that stupid. he would be a terrible father, especially if it was a girl!!

I can’t have no baby by this man. I can’t even be with him. I don’t even like him anymore.

This man was betraying me so much right now. A feeling of disgust for him came over me. I was disgusted by him, and I felt disgusted for myself for being so blind. You know?

“You destroying him. He loves you so much. He’s so depressed. He can’t function without you.”

NOT AN EXCUSE!

To be honest, though, I didn’t have no place calling her a dumb bitch. I let that motherfucker lie to me too, just about different shit.

It’s just not a lucrative business, selling dick. Dick ain’t really all that hard to come by.

wow tell it honey!!

I always think if someone’s handicapped, then they’re automatically some innocent angel. That’s totally ridiculous of course, but I still thought it.

He was one of the first people I told when I decided to start doing comedy.

Michael.

“Why are you even in my shit like that, we’ve only been dating five months, it’s not that serious.

but you gave him the damn password...

Dada

I know I’ve got to stop it, though. I’m single now. I am just going to kick back and see what comes to me. I’m not going to keep repeating these patterns with men. They are not working.

let us both do it and see what happens... cuz i do not think i can keep this up. want different results? do different shit.

goddam

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“Please send me a man that love me.

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That day, he drove me up to Virginia to meet my dad.

I kept telling myself that he did this because he cared about me. But really, he was controlling me. That’s what it was about. Not love, not caring, it was about control.

if a man cares about you, he gives you money. He works hard for his money, so if he gives it to you, he cares.

hmmmmm...

Basically, he was trying to shrink my world down, until it was nothing but him and his needs.

fuck you motherfucker!!!