Yes, You Are Trans Enough: My Transition from Self-Loathing to Self-Love

by Mia Violet

you don’t know that being trans is even a concept, you’re unlikely to realise there’s a valid reason why you don’t fit in – you just assume the problem is you. All you

know is there’s a standard and you’re failing to hit it. Even if someone

Trans people are often impeccable actors. When we’re closeted, we learn how we’re supposed to move and talk, the difference between

the expectation of us and the reality. We then force ourselves to adopt an expected persona like a snug costume. Being the funny person is an easy part to play when you hate yourself, because it feels like your whole life is a joke written by somebody else. Some of the best laughs I got came from deadpan deliveries of the truth. Absurd self-deprecating punchlines are sometimes just a way to hide the fact you don’t know how to ask for help.

The reason to transition is to be yourself, to find happiness in the freedom to be open and honest. That can happen at any age, and it’s never too late.

A common effect of dysphoria is that it places a cap on your emotions and tricks you into confusing contentedness for happiness. It tells you that being numb and dissatisfied with everything is the normal way to be.

It’ll sit back and let you chase your new idea of who you are, but it won’t stop reminding you that something’s wrong. It knows what gender you are, even if you don’t.

When I was distracted or busy, they could be quiet but they would always creep back. Countless times I shuffled through the town centre and wondered what it would be like to wear the dresses I saw in shop windows or to dye my long hair a bright, attention-grabbing colour.

Despite how it may seem from an outside perspective, transition doesn’t drastically change people. Generally we become more of ourselves, more open, more honest, happier and calmer.

When we transition, we’re still the same person underneath; we just might shed or pick up some quirks on the way. Therefore, if you love your partner for who they are, chances are you’ll still love them when they transition.

By choosing to transition, you need to be prepared to ignore anybody who says you’re doing it wrong, or not going fast or slow enough. Each trans person is an authority on their own gender and transition but not anybody else’s.

That’s when it clicked: I shouldn’t care if strangers saw me as trans, a woman, or a man, either now or in the future. Trying to ‘pass’ had pointlessly complicated my life with little pay-off. By just being myself at the convention and knowing that my female gender was mine alone to define, I was truly and utterly happy.

We deserve to be us and to stop pretending, even if we shatter some formerly comfortable perceptions of ourselves when we do.